Ageism, Botox and the Pursuit of Youth

My daughter, Marina, asked me last week, “Why do you want to look younger than you are? You’ve earned your years, why hide them?”

What could I say? Our society worships youth. When we get older, especially as women, many of the messages we see in the media are that we become less valuable as we age. We’re surrounded by images and examples of women who seem perpetually young (e.g. Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Lopez and every other movie star or wealthy woman who has reached 40 and beyond).

There is a fear that the working world will see you as less viable as you age—man or woman. It’s harder to get a job after 50.

Marina’s question was prompted by her noticing that my face looked different. I reluctantly admitted I had gotten Botox and some face filler.

When I turned 50, I started to worry about looking “out of date.” My clients were getting younger, as were my doctors and everyone else around me! I wondered if some people thought, "How can you be cutting-edge and middle-aged?" (Of course, you can!)

I didn’t plan to tell my daughter that I had Botox injected into my face to relax the muscles and reduce wrinkles and also filler (for the first time) to plump up the skin in the right places. In fact, I had planned to be out of town for a couple days so no one would see the puffiness that appears for the first 48 hours or so.

But I didn’t end up going out of town, and the second Marina saw me she knew something had changed.

I certainly didn’t plan to tell all of you! It is close to a miracle that I am sharing it, but that is part of my path here, to be honest about the beautiful and the ridiculous in life. To bring to light things that sometimes live in the dark.

What convinced me to write about it was a beautiful poem my daughter wrote and texted me the day after she saw my “distorted” face:

Wisdom is held in the valleys that appear when you smile,

allowing for fountains, rivers of love to flow.

Collected from each moment you’ve seen a baby

or cracked up at your daughters’ jokes.

Each time you held the hand of a loved one

or escaped to the mountains where you so belong.

When skin stretches and comes back

and drapes itself across your strong flesh and bones

it is announcing to the world that you are royalty,

blessed with agile, beautiful robes.

Even if the magazines see you and don’t recognize their reflection;

tell them what you’ve seen,

what you’ve felt.

Tell them about love like you do in your blogs.

The most important love has always been self.

And your skin is not yet robes,

your wrinkles aren’t valleys,

but embrace them nonetheless.

And don’t downgrade those who bear them

because they know of their power

and what their skin holds.

It holds them and their smiles and their years.

                         -Marina Smith

Wow. Who is the wise woman in the room? It certainly didn’t feel like me. I am grateful for the lessons I get from my daughters, and this was a big one.

Fortunately, or not, the effects of the cosmetic dermatology wear off in 6-9 months. Right now, I can’t say that I will never do it again, but I have a new perspective, and I’m not willing to hide anymore. 

There is an enormous cosmetic dermatology industry that exists solely to help women, in particular, look younger. And I’m not even talking about plastic surgery, which is also booming for the same reason.

Cosmetic dermatology includes everything from laser procedures to Botox, collagen injections, fillers, chemical peels and body-fat reduction procedures. And it’s expensive. To maintain the youth that the movie stars seek it takes monthly and weekly practices and interventions and costs tens of thousands of dollars.

To get a sense of the time-consuming and expensive lengths people go to look young, check out Forever Young: The Real Cost of Celebrity Skincare. Even young people do these procedures in pursuit of the "ideal" look.

What’s the solution? Each of us can be more aware of the prejudices and judgments we make of each other and ourselves. We can catch ourselves in the act of ageism and youth glorification. We can also consciously honor the elders among us, including ourselves if that applies. We can look for the unique beauty in each and every person we see, including the person in the mirror.

Wishing us all acceptance for what is,

Barbara Fagan-Smith

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