With age comes understanding? Cut yourself some slack.

March 8th, 2019 was Women's Day. There were so many truly empowering posts. So many evolved, dynamic, self-aware women talked about and heralded. And all accolades, very well deserved.

And I wondered, after 55 years, where am I on the grand scale of things? Do I have time to attain anything near the stature of these amazing, prolific women?

My initial inner voice scoffed and laughed.

"Look at their accomplishments! Look at their confidence! Look at how they seemingly progress through life in an affirming, no-nonsense manner! When have you ever let your fear go like that, and gone for it!?"

Oh, shut up. I've had my moments.

"Moments?! Sure. You try, but you always seem to shoot yourself in the foot. You are the queen of second guessing."

I know. I know. I'm working on it. You know, you never stop learning and growing... you never stop evol....

"blah blah blah blah... yeah yeah, learning, growing, evolving. But have you conquered your fears? Have you learned to at least LIKE yourself?"

Yes, I have times that I like myself. There have been victories along the path.

"But what's keeping you from having more victories? You're scared. Scared that if you put yourself out there, they'll see you're a fraud. Which says to me, you don't think much of yourself. If you believe in yourself, being a fraud wouldn't even enter your mind."

How many times do I have to say, 'I know,' I'm working on it. Every day. I'm sure some of those women have moments of doubt, or questioning.

"Yes, I'm sure they do. But, why are you so damn hard on yourself? What are some of the moments in your life you're most proud of... where you got the most self-satisfaction or inner joy."

Wow, that's a really good question. I'm going to take out of the discussion any successes or failures having to do with motherhood. I'm a good mom who makes mistakes, but nothing that's hurt my son. And it all comes from a place of love, so I'm far more forgiving of myself.

"Yes, you seem to have a handle on that path of your life, and are far more self-understanding (is that even a word). But what about in your 'LIFE.'"

Ugh. I hate looking at this part. It's like walking the Rocky Mountains. Up. Down. Up. Down. Fall. Get up. And when I have a low day, I play back every negative experience from my past where I feel I failed. And the insecurity comes flooding back ... wrecking a car at 16 (twice), confronting my high school coach about my starting status in softball only to be brushed off, spending too much time on social acceptance in college (whole other story), countless times in my career where I didn't ask for a change in position, oversharing with a trusted friend, who turned out to be neither . But none of this is unique to me (ok, wrecking the car maybe).

"Ok, so you beat yourself up. You run every bad move you've ever made through your brain, and conclude you are unworthy. Is that about it?"

Well, it's been that way at times. I'm working to stop those thoughts, and concentrate on what's positive. While it may not be laudable, or recognized with an award, I think I've figured it out.

"Do tell."

I help others think more of themselves. I listen to them. I 'hear' them. And where I can't help myself, I can help them. Sure, I screw up sometimes, mainly when I get arrogant. But, for the most part, I help. I put myself in their shoes and walk around. I use my experiences and 'what I've learned' and try to guide them. Some of my greatest joys came when I managed others. Not because I was the 'boss' but because I could help them learn and hopefully, avoid some of the mistakes I made...but still learn the lesson.

"Ok... "

But it's more than that, I'm a connector. I have a very diverse group of friends and acquaintances, with so many different personalities and gifts. I've been lucky enough to align people who might never have met, so they can create for a greater good.

"Hey, I think you're on to something..."

And I'm a collaborator. I love a good brainstorm in a packed conference room, or discussion about marketing a friend's business over wine. Some of the most rewarding times I had were working at St. Benedict Prep and through research, ideation and brainstorming, coming up with their mission statement. Taking everything I ever learned, and focusing it on helping a worthwhile school find it's voice. Or the group of women in 2016, who came together (thank you, Sharon Mendelson Markham) to do something positive, and giving back to over so many charities with the help of 200+ volunteers.

"But there's still me, nagging at you, making you want some recognition, some sort of stature you can derive."

Yeah, why do you do that? When I'm in the moment. When I'm clearheaded and happy just doing the work, making the connections, bringing folks together, mentoring a young mind...why do you make me want to be recognized for it?

"Because you think that will prove that you're worth something. You are looking for your self-worth outside yourself. You have to give it to yourself. You have to believe you're a good person, who does good things, even when you mess up occasionally. No award, recognition, pat on the back will do that for you. It will be fleeting."

::sigh:: Well, that hammer hit the nail on the head. I got it. I still have some work to do.

"But that's ok."

Yup, it is. I'm just surprised to hear it from you (me).