At the age of 30, I was told I was autistic.?

At the age of 30, I was told I was autistic.?

Almost 12 months later, I'm compelled to share my story. In sharing my story, I hope not for any sympathy. But for those going through similar experiences, it is important to break down some misconceptions or provide clarity and awareness to those who also might be struggling like I was.

THE REVELATION

"How does it feel?".?I'm Hunched over my kitchen table, and a psychiatrist is sitting across from me. She smiles warmly.?"How does it feel now, you know?".?Truth be told, at that time and moment, I was livid. I'd muddled through life. I knew I was different. Secretly, I loathed myself. I chalked it down to anxiety, shyness, laziness, clumsiness. I defined myself continuously with negative connotations for the last 25 years. Basically, why am I so shit??

The anger was building, yet my appearance was calm. I was hiding it well (something I'll come on to later). My brain was screaming at me. All of those years of self-loathing could've been avoided! In my mind, the crippling low self-esteem, which seemed irreversible, could've been slain with the simple phrase, "Because you're neurodivergent". The psychiatrist continued explaining how?"society isn't designed for a neurodivergent"?like myself.?"There are loads of cases similar to yours", and "what we thought 20 years. ago isn't the same as what we know now".

THE TRUTH

To put it simply. I'd fallen through the cracks. A 2023 study by University College London suggested the true number of autistic people in England may be more than double the number often cited in national health policy documents. The study explained how autism is still under-recognised in adults. Estimates suggest that about 180,000 people aged 20 plus had an autism diagnosis as of 2018, meaning that most autistic adults in England were undiagnosed. Estimates indicate that between 150,000 and 500,000 people aged 20 to 49 years old in England alone may be autistic but undiagnosed. It's similar for autistic people over 50, where between 250,000 and 600,000 may be undiagnosed, more than 9 in 10 of all autistic people in England.?

Over the next few weeks, once the anger had subsided. I began a retrospective journey. I read up on high-functioning autism, and I read others' stories on forums and Reddit. I immediately started to see patterns, and, most importantly, I was resonating strongly with these stories. Maintaining eye contact and obsessive interests in ridiculously niche subjects that would dominate my train of thought for months, basic social cues, clumsiness, sensory issues and forgetfulness. I was Flicking through my memories to connect their experiences with mine. I'd always struggled with routine and change. Both textbook examples.?

IT WAS THERE ALL ALONG

I say high-functioning. Because many were surprised by the diagnosis. Because, on paper, I look like a very functional, successful person. I own a house and maintain relationships with my partner, friends, family, etc. I've got a career that's developed. It turns out (like many other adults diagnosed late in life) that I'm excellent at hiding or using the correct term, masking, so good, in fact, I didn't realise I'd been doing it all my life.?

I've always been anxious, and I've always been open about my mental health issues. This is different, though. You have to constantly perform. You're an Oscar-worthy actor, the script is ever-changing, and your motive is trying to convey that you're a functional human in every public appearance. Pep talks include, "If I maintain eye contact for over 5 seconds, they won't think any different." or "How would X, who's a supremely confident person, converse in this situation?" and my favourite "No one can find out you've watched and researched 20 years worth of Emmerdale farm in a month because you saw it on TV at your local pub".??

The thing is. Suppose you don't have an autism diagnosis. In that case, you probably think you're some weird alien who can't seem to function correctly, limping around with no viable use. With that, your self-esteem and self-worth crumble.?

TO CONCLUDE

What I've realised is. If you think you're neurodivergent. You probably are. You might not need a diagnosis. A diagnosis has helped me get my life back on track and look at it with a fresh, more accepting pair of eyes. I'm now more relaxed when I work. I don't strive for perfection as much as previously. My anxieties are lessened. My new-found knowledge and self-compassion have yet to completely take over; there are still critical elements from my previous life, but they seldom ruminate and usually don't stick around. I'll always make mistakes, but it's a process now, not an excuse for punishment. I'm finding empowerment in my lack of perfection and my differences. It's been almost a year since my diagnosis.

I hope sharing this inspires others to acknowledge that they're not alone, and if it inspires someone to seek help or speak out, then this article has been well-spent.?

If you have read this, thanks for listening. Finally, thank you to all those who have supported me throughout my journey.