The aftermath of a traumatic event and how it can help you evolve and find meaning in life

Previously I shared a post where I explored the meaning in life, this time I am led to focus on traumatic life changing experiences. It is more common to have negative experiences create the most disruption in our lives. It can either leave us numb to the bone for years on end or it can help us grow exponentially because of it. What contributing factors assists one to rise above the experience?

What defines a disruptive life changing event? It is different for different people. An experience that might seem superficial to one person might have the opposite effect for another. In my mind, a disruptive life changing event is an experience that drastically changes the way a person processes life thereafter because of that experience. It breaks the usual pattern of their life in an unforeseen, unexpected way.? Let’s explore.

An article exploring posttraumatic growth in holocaust survivors analyzed the autobiographies of Viktor Frankl and Elie Wiesel. The author studied their psychobiography’s and concluded that Viktor Frankl discovered meaning based on his experience in the concentration camps whereas Elie Wiesel only discovered it a while thereafter. Elie Wiesel was much younger when his family, including himself, were captured and taken to the concentration camps. The research concluded that newfound meaning was central to their Post Traumatic Growth (PTG) experiences. [1]

How does one find new meaning?? Viktor Frankl was a neurologist before he was captured and put into the concentration camp. He then discovered Logotherapy, which became known as the third Viennese school of psychology. Was this discovery a direct result of his experience in the concentration camp?? I believe so. It was only when he focused on finding meaning in life at a time when he experienced grave atrocities that he was motivated to keep going. Instead of surrendering to what was going on, he focused on assisting the prisoners and taking account of the experiences. ?

The article defines Posttraumatic growth as “the positive psychological changes that an individual experience as a result of his or her struggles in dealing with highly challenging life circumstances (Calhoun & Tedeschi, 2001).” [2]

It goes on to say that posttraumatic growth: “

1.??Must follow an experience that is perceived as very challenging and exceeds one’s ability to endure.

2.??This challenging circumstance not only induces negative feelings or stress but also threatens or even shatters the individual’s fundamental assumptions about life.

3.??The reaction that emerges from encountering the circumstances is not merely a coping mechanism or a return to the baseline condition; rather, the growth should go beyond the capacity that the individual possessed before the traumatic event. “[3]

Trauma affects people in different ways:

1.??It may instill fear that impacts how the person shows up in life from that day onwards

2.??It may numb the senses of a person who then feels nothing afterwards and lives for the sake of living.

3.??Or it can seriously impact a person in the moment and over time assist the person to drastically change his or her point of view or assumptions about life.

How is posttraumatic growth manifested?

It starts with a realization that ignites curiosity about the meaning in life, the purpose of existing. This further provokes the individual to react that goes beyond coping or returning to baseline. This could be influenced by the attributes, strengths and characteristics the individual already possesses.

The article shares 5 domains as explained by Tedeschi, Cann, Taku, Senol-Durak, & Calhoun (2017):

1.?????? Increased sense of personal strength,

2.?????? Closer and more meaningful relationships with others,

3.?????? Awareness of new possibilities,

4.?????? Greater appreciation of life, and

5.?????? Spiritual and existential change [4]

I can attest to all the above. A tragedy that befell my family in 2016, leaving every family member with a personal encounter to deal with and everyone dealt with it differently. At first for me - it was the disbelief, anger, confusion, resentment and the feeling of being cheated by life when one of my pillars of strength, my dad, was snatched from my life in a split of a second. Thereafter it was the need to take revenge but not knowing how and on whom. I became a hazard to myself as the anger within was fueled. It was only in the moment when I saw my life flash before my eyes a few months after the incident, which I didn’t understand until I literally experienced it, I realized how selfish I was being showing up the way I did when I had a beautiful daughter to care for who was at a tender age of 12 and who was also assaulted with a gun during the home invasion. She needed me more at the time as she was grappling with coping herself and, here I was, dealing with all my thoughts and emotions taking control over me. I also had my mum to assist as she also struggled with the flashbacks of the experience and dealing with life with her life partner no longer by her side. Before I knew it, I was desperately searching for peace within, direction and the meaning of life. Life had suddenly and drastically been changed and I needed to find ways of adjusting my perception of the way things used to be and the assumptions I made about life.

This is how my journey of finding meaning and purpose in life started.

Victor Frankl mentioned free decision in his book. [8] Free decision is deciding based on free will. In every moment we have a choice. What we choose decides the next steps. Each step leaves a trail behind and also builds the momentum for what’s next to come.? It’s not so easy to decide what is good when there is so much going on inside and the decisions taken sometimes are not in your best interest. The more I learnt, the more I wanted to learn. The more I felt the greatness from the positivity that I was cultivating, the more I wanted to dip myself into the ocean of greatness.?

Was it the traumatic experiences that led to my personal growth? Yes, it was. It is a journey of discovering how best to live my life with authenticity, being myself in my moments, discovering my true essence identity, accepting my life journey, accepting me and living unapologetically because for the first time in my life I realized that I am dispensable and it can happen at any time, despite my health, lifestyle and everything about me. It’s almost like dusting a speck off your coat – whoosh and it’s all gone. I started asking myself important questions and delving into the unknown to discover more which became my GPS of life. Every breath holds a thousand possibilities but how do you harness the possibilities when there is so much pain within?

Transitioning from trauma-induced coping behaviour to growth?

1.??It’s not an easy journey but one that is most desired to evolve as a human –

o?? It is a journey that may be filled with tears, guilt, regret mostly of a life that wasn’t lived as best as it could be.

o?? Trauma is painful but it provides an opportunity to learn which enables evolution.

2.??Building a relationship with yourself again

o?? The most important relationship you can have, is the one with yourself. It informs how all the other relationships with co-exist.

3.??Reaching a point where painting on a clear canvas is possible.

o?? What I mean by this, is that you activate your creativity which is needed in all areas of life. Creativity informs how each moment unfolds.

o?? Imagine waking up each morning knowing that today the canvas is wiped clean and you are free to create any artwork your heart desires allowing the brush to gently caress the canvas without being fixated on the outcome, allowing it to manifest from deep within. It takes time and before you know it you are there after doing the necessary work within.

4.??Cultivating gratefulness in your day every day.

o?? It is so easy to forget what we have that helps us each day. For example, our fingers seem trivial but without it, it becomes challenging to do a lot of our daily tasks.

o?? Focusing on opportunities and appreciating the challenges helps one become more grateful for all that is.

5.??Seeing life as a gift

o?? Unwrapping it each morning with excitement and curiosity, just like an any other gift being unwrapped.

o?? Accepting the gift however it presents itself.

6.??Becoming aware of the possibilities in life.

o?? Having been a system developer and analyst back in my days, I was prone to over analyzing everything to ensure the system does not crash but sometimes I ended up in analysis paralysis. I stopped seeing possibilities and only focused on the risks.? It is wise to step out of the analysis paralysis and see it from a higher perspective. Being aware of the risks but also bringing in some adrenalin rushes to spice up the life.

7.??Challenges are part of the human experience.

o?? Accepting and acknowledging it assists greatly in moving forward.

o?? It’s possible for every human to experiences challenges at different stages in life and with different intensities. Its best to focus on what you can get out of the challenge instead of on the challenge itself.

o?? Turning challenges into possibilities and learning from it that assist with developing a growth mindset. Learning how to navigate it to receive maximum benefit turning surviving into thriving through the challenging moments.

8.?????? I discovered it’s all about awakening to yourself.

o?? Discovering the real reason for being here on Earth. We protect ourselves through wearing masks. Anything we don’t want others to know about us is hidden behind a mask. The challenge is that we might have so many masks on it prevents us from living a life of truth. We are not expressing ourselves as our truest self. We are living according to someone else’s terms and conditions, someone else’s agenda. Focusing on their goals because we are too afraid to create our own.?

9.??Set your dreams and goals in motion

o?? This is achieved effectively when the negative thoughts and emotions are managed.

o?? Once you discover your true self, you are able to rise above all else and set your dreams and goals in motion.

The beauty of life is discovered when you open your senses to hear beyond your ears, to see beyond your eyes, to feel beyond your heart, to taste beyond your tastebuds. It is experienced by only a handful, those who discovered their true essence identity, this I do believe. Journeying from trauma-induced coping behaviours to behaviours that elevate yourself and this life you have requires time, dedication and an understanding that there is more than meets the eye. It is a journey of healing the past wounds, releasing the past so that you are prepared for your next steps.

It is mentioned in the study that finding meaning is central to cognitive-emotional processing (Linley & Joseph, 2011) [6]. Humans experience thoughts and emotions in every day. It is the power we have been gifted with yet if not used effectively can work to our detriment.

Based on the 5 domains as explained by Tedeschi, Cann, Taku, Senol-Durak, & Calhoun (2017) [7], I have:

1. Increased my personal strength??

2. I understand relationships from a different perspective and give my all to all there is. I’ve discovered relationships in places I would never have delved before. My mind is open to the vastness of the world. In the past I would react to almost everything, now I choose where I will share my energy, how and how much of it.

3. I am aware of possibilities. When I see a limitation arising, I see how best to overcome it because limitations are manufactured in the mind and through conditioning. ?I see an opportunity to introduce a solution. This is my strength – I now understand it. Sometimes I get caught in the moment…sometimes…and this moment is my teacher because I take the lesson upon reflection. I am learning every day.?

4.? I have a greater appreciation of life. I understand that my trials and tribulations of my journey has helped me to be who I am, where I am today and has helped me to understand what life is all about. It allows me to have more intimate conversations with myself, not being afraid to face what I need to. Its allowed me to understand others too, to understand myself and to nurture the relationships I wish to nurture. I set boundaries without guilt, knowing that this is my life and I will do what makes me happy. Everyone else’s opinion, is just that – their opinion. My values do play up at times and I have to weigh it up and that is a beautiful place to be dancing with life. I understand what is important to me and I find ways of manifesting it.

5. Spiritual and existential change – My life journey introduced spiritualism many times to me but I wasn’t ready to understand it, I now am…a little bit more than before and I keep growing and discovering. Life is not a mere existence but a path of enlightenment.

I attest to all the above and it was what I was feeling that created the shift for me, but for me to take action I needed to send messages to my brain. It is a constant conversation within. It takes time and courage to change your reality.

I grow each day learning new things and discovering new ways but it wasn’t easy to create this path and I now show people how to do it as I’ve discovered, so that you can fast track it as best you can. Life is beautiful even with its catastrophes. It’s a journey. It should not be rushed. There is a lot to learn and it takes time and what is time but a perception born in our minds that creates havoc when we allow it to. Discovering how to harness time is an ability much needed in a world that is fast-paced and time dependent.

The study also shares that “The presence of the trauma does not directly result in growth, but rather serves as a catalyst for the growth (Calhoun & Tedeschi, 2001, 2006; Tedeschi & Calhoun, 2004)” [5].

Before knowing the 5 domains expressed above, I didn’t even acknowledge that what I was experiencing was trauma and this could be a result of life’s conditioning. I now understand what had happened at a deeper level, I am able to process it effectively and use it to create my next steps as I go along on my journey. ?Was it trauma that you experienced?

We do not know what we do not know but I always say when we do, it feels like magic. We are humans that experience emotions, when we do not discover how to work with our emotions, it will lead us astray. Holding onto the emotion creates more havoc within our system because emotions are energy and if not released effectively, will negatively impact us. Releasing thoughts and emotions allows for clearer mind, body and soul experiences. ?A trauma that happened in one’s childhood can still hold space within the body and trap the energy. What good is that energy if it doesn’t serve you? Let it go. It’s not easy and therefore it’s a good idea to seek the assistance of a coach that works with inner child healing, accepting yourself and accepting your journey, releasing the past which helps you discover your true self-worth and acknowledging your true essence identity. This is much needed on your journey to finding deeper meaning and purposeful living.

You might have a nagging feeling that something needs to change, however, the mind comes into play and talks you out of it by creating fear. You will find all sorts of reasons why you should not do something. I believe that trauma in later life is the Universe’s way of saying to you…now is the time. Some people will experience trauma and never have posttraumatic growth. It’s not that the signs are not there…I believe that it is fear of change and letting go that takes control.

Before the traumatic event, I had a sign of feeling stuck in my life. I did not know how to move forward. I knew something had to give but I did not know what and how. Imagine feeling like you fell into sinking sand and there is no way out. Any move might make the situation worse, unless there is someone or something that hands you a branch to pull you out. I believe that the Universe puts people or situations on our path to hand us the branch. However, sometimes people still prefer to stay in the sand. I see this as a protective mechanism and if that is their wish, so it is. For the people who wish to bring change to their life, to move in a different direction, to be pulled out of the sinking sand…My message to you, is take hold of the branch, the rest will unfold in time.

Trauma is like a storm. You hear the thunder. You feel its vibration. It is this big bang and a while later there is shock waves rippling through the sky sending lightning straight down to earth. The shock waves are what is experienced for a while after the trauma and the lightening is the awakening to a new meaning in life. ?

The study concluded that both men experienced positive development in every domain of post traumatic growth.

Every human can find meaning in life to continue their life journey, despite the gravity and intensity of a trauma and all the circumstances around it. Many people experience childhood traumas that they carry with them for many years never to share with others. In my practice I’ve come across many people that openly share for the first time and they immediately feel a sense of relief. Why carry the burdens of the past especially when you might not have been an active participant in the experience? These experiences hold you back, it affects your trust in others, yourself and life in general. Release the past, open yourself up to endless possibilities. The latter will not become a reality if you are holding onto past experiences.

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[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] Sri Wulandaria, Elizabeth K. Poerwandarib, Augustine A. Basric. ?The Journey of Finding Meaning in Life: Posttraumatic Growth Experience in Notable Holocaust Survivors

[8] Man’s Search For Meaning – Viktor E. Frankl