After 20 years of codependency how do I stop enabling?

These are the types of questions I receive regularly and I wanted to share my responses in my Ask Candace Q&A Column. Watch for more Ask Candace coming soon!

Anonymous asks: Thank you in advance for answering my question. I am the wife of a working man and our three adult children. Through an evolving series of both some bad choices and unfortunate circumstances (not all our fault) our living situation is problematic. My son and daughters live with us and are in varying stages of difficulty. My son is in a methadone program. My daughters have social challenges. All three have ongoing physical wounds and a history of addiction. It is hard to kick them out as they truly need help. The rent in my area is one of the highest in America. The next county over has 17,000 homeless on the city streets. At some point my husband and I will no longer be able to help them. I attend a weekly zoom meeting for enabling, which gives me different perspectives. I have your book and intend to read it over again. After twenty years of codependency, I "know" it all, but how do I apply it to my life?

My response: In order to apply what you say you already ‘know' about codependency into your life so that you can make some positive changes in your family, what needs to happen first is to understand how continued enabling basically cripples addicts by keeping them stuck in addiction. If you’re going to do for them what they can – and should – be doing for themselves, why would they want to change anything? Learning how to set healthy boundaries – with consequences that will matter to your addicts – is actually the most loving thing you can do for them because this will encourage them to make the choice to come out of active addiction.

Please know that there are a variety of boundaries you can try first, before “kicking them out.” A lot of loved ones think that setting a boundary has to mean ejecting them from your home or even from your family. Yes, it’s possible that at some point this will be the option you choose, but you don’t have to start there.

I would need to know more about your situation – i.e., are your addicts just sleeping all day and staying up all night most of the time? What are they doing with their time – are they trying to work, be in school, or something like that? Many enabled addicts do virtually nothing with their lives, until boundaries are set for them and their loved ones raise that bar.

What if you said something like:

“You’re welcome to live here, but if you do there are some changes we’ll be making. In order to be here, you need to be either working, in school, or in a work-training program – and we expect you to attend regularly and do well."

"You will need to be up each morning by 8 a.m. and get yourself ready to be out of the house by 9 a.m. – and you will be either looking for work or going to your job or school. You will not be allowed back in until 4:30 p.m. We will be starting this in 1 week to give you some time to make a plan around what needs to happen – such as doing your laundry so that you have appropriate clothes to wear, and buying some groceries so you can pack your lunch each day. We also expect that you will be in counselling or in an addiction recovery program and we will be happy to help you pay for this."

“As of today, you are not to bring any drugs or paraphernalia into our house, and you’re not to be here if you choose to be high or drunk. If we find any paraphernalia, we will throw it away. If you choose to continue living here, then it will be important for you to understand that we will no longer support your addiction, but we will support your recovery, as best we can. This is not a punishment – this is because we love you so much and we no longer want to see you in a life of active addiction.”

How does that sound to you? You can amend any of this to better suit your situation. If you feel that you need some help in implementing these new boundaries – or in following through with the consequences – please feel free contact us for a FREE 30 minute consultation by clicking the image below.

All my best,

Candace

#enabling #codependency #lovinganaddict