Advice for Over-Helpers

If this article isn't for you, it's probably for someone you know. Let me describe that person:

You are—or you know—a person who:

• Always goes the extra, exhausted mile. This is someone who is first to volunteer, and does it no matter how busy they already are. Behind the scenes, you see the sleep they skip or the money they spend for others, and they'd be mortified if you ever revealed it.
• Deflects praise for their kindness. They instead feel like they should have done more, and often apologize for it.
• In brief moments of honesty, utters the meekest of complaints at having too much to do for others, or at being taken for granted. But it's a thought they push away, because that sort of complaining isn't what a good person should do.
• Is relentless in their desire to help, despite the very obvious and painful limits on their time, energy, and resources. They spend most days straining at these limits.

In short, this person is an over-helper. And I have some reasonable advice for them, advice to make them better helpers.

(Full article posted at How-to-Help.com)

Ask for help more often

A first, common mistake I’ve noticed among over-helpers is that they are loath to ask for help themselves, even if it’s to recruit extra hands to assist someone else. Over-helpers are prone to feeling that if they themselves need help, then they’re falling short. Or that they’re burdening someone. Or that they’re obligated to return the favor. In any case, it feels more comfortable to go it alone, even if that’s ultimately overwhelming.

Over-helpers also hate to inconvenience others, so they’ll turn down assistance as a way to protect other people from themselves. This can deprive others of whole range of benefits that come from helping. People who help often get better physical and emotional health. They feel more gratitude, social connection, and feeling of purpose because they helped. And their helping behavior contagiously encourages others to be helpful. If you’re an over-helper, letting someone assist you offers all of these benefits to them.

And there's another reason, a hard one to admit. Sometimes we not only want someone’s problems fixed, but we want to be sure that we’re the ones to do it. A variety of reasons motivate this—self-affirmation, building a relationship, or avoiding guilt. But insisting that we alone are the solution sometimes leaves a person worse-off than if another person stepped in.

Focus on your gifts

Imagine the person who’s always volunteering, often for a task they’ve never done before. My wife has an old friend who did this often at her son’s school. The result was invariably late nights wrestling with a project that meant hours of research, conflicting schedules, wasted supplies, and regret at having volunteered.

It’s hard to say no to a request for help. We worry that it says something bad about us, or more accurately about our intentions. Over-helpers, in particular, often worry about the kind of person it makes them if they say no. Of course, our character isn’t defined by any one moment, and that includes a moment when someone asks for help.

There are plenty of moments where we ought to say no, and they have nothing to do with our character. People naturally ask for help, without enough information about the helpers. Does the helper have enough time? The needed skills? The right ideas about how to help? Asking for help is a reasonable way to find out. This means that it’s also reasonable to get a “no.”

If you’re looking for a reason to say no, let it be when you’re bad at something. Or when your important commitments are filling your time and energy. No person is a bottomless reservoir of ability and resources. Saying no is a way to leave room for requests that use your skills, and to make the most of your opportunities to help.

To read the other three ideas—Withold help on purpose, Enjoy it, and Be aware of disorders—click the link to the full article.