Advice to My 14 Year Old Self (and my middle son)

My middle son started high school this year which took me back to that time in my life. Kids are a wonderful time machine – both allowing me to travel back in time and visit myself in earlier days as well as project forward and see myself as I hope to become.

Seventh and eighth grade were the most traumatic educational years for me. It was the time when I had choose between being myself (many quirks and all) and conforming. I chose the first but it was a lonely choice. I can bring back those feeling of isolation and even shame. They are so vivid I can feel myself in the playground at recess counting down the minutes to the bell, praying no one would notice me. I wanted to be myself and have that be accepted and good enough. And at that time and place, it was not. Why was I so different? Why didn’t I fit in?

Fortunately for me, I had the chance to travel to Europe before my freshman year of high school. My parents both had family there so when I was growing up we would go back every 3-5 years when finances would permit. I had gone on trips like these a few times before but this one was different. This sojourn turned out to be truly life altering for me. Even now, looking back and having had plenty of years to reflect, I am not sure I have a complete answer as to why but I have a few solid ideas.

I think the foundation was laid in those middle school experiences which had laid me wide open and questioning everyone and everything. Who was I? What did I want to be? How much did I care if others accepted my true self? I also think I was at a critical age where I was on the cusp of young adulthood and was primed to take in any information that would help figure out some of many pieces of what it meant to grow up. My parents were clear, when I was 18, I was on my own which added some urgency.

During our time in the Netherlands and France, we mostly stayed with family or friends. I became happily aware people made different choices about the way they lived and interacted in each country and often within each family. People were curious about the United States and I felt appreciated and even liked for my genuine self. It was such a simple but power revelation and one my battered psyche desperately needed.

What I learned in that summer and since I would share with my fourteen year old self:

1. Celebrate surviving; it is an accomplishment to be proud of, in and of itself. At the time, I felt a sense of weakness. Why did I struggle so much and seem to find the path harder than my peers. Maybe it was something in me that was wrong or broken. I pretended not to care and put on a brave front – but inside the deepest corners of my being I wondered. I don’t think I gave myself credit for not changing in the face of incredible pressure to conform. And getting on the other side of those experiences with my identity and self-worth largely intact was an accomplishment worth acknowledging.

2. High school is a really important step but not in the ways you might think. There are many times in life where something seems more important than it was with the benefit of space and hindsight. High school is your gateway to adulthood. What you learn about yourself - -strengths, weaknesses, what motivates you or gives you joy will help you on your path. But it doesn’t define you, you need to do that yourself and it happens over the course of the decades that follow.

3. It is a fresh start; use it. You can leave behind whatever you need to from previous years. I approached my freshman year like the new person I felt. I no longer cared whether I fit in or at least cared a lot less. I don’t think I changed much except to own, more unapologetically and unabashedly, who I was; rather than try to be invisible. I wore what I wanted to school. Since I designed many of my own clothes, the outfits were often unique and set me even further apart from my peers. I went from a desire to be me but not gain any unwanted attention to just more joyfully being. I also found a diverse group of friends outside of my school who found my quirkiness charming and even endearing. They also shared their struggles on their journeys, many of whom did not have the support and opportunities I did, which was sobering and helped me gain additional perspective.

4. Try things; take risks; don’t let your fear of being embarrassed hold you back. In some respects, I did this well. I happily accepted being an assistant manager at KFC and taking on responsibility normally reserved for those older. But I avoided those risks I thought would lead to overt embarrassment which meant someone would laugh at me. I am generally a studious person and like to be taken seriously. I recall a disastrous ski trip where in my efforts to avoid making a fool of myself, I wound up finding many conspicuous ways to do just that. My friend who accompanied me can still recount the details but can’t finish telling them without cracking up laughing and losing the power of speech. I then never tried again until I was pushed to as an adult.

5. People are more focused on themselves than you. This one I still need to remind myself about still. People are focused on themselves; makes sense as that is also true for me; but it is easy to forget in the moment. My kids often provide helpful reminders. I had one of my sons ask me about a blemish on his face and how noticeable I thought it was. I asked him, “How often do you look at someone else’s face to notice their skin?” He paused and said, “Not very often.” So I said, “Your peers are not so different in their focus.” To which, he replied, “Good point. I never thought of that.” We all have our hang ups about ourselves but we shouldn’t expect others are focused on us, looking for our flaws. We are generally our own worst critic.

6. Confidence and non-conformance are threatening; don’t let the reactions of others make you change. There is safety and comfort in sameness. When someone chooses different, that simple act is a challenge to the status quo. Is the new better or just different? I found many people want you to make the same choices as they do so they can feel better theirs was a good one. I get it. I find someone who chooses a different path often threatens my security in my own choice too. I will talk to a stay at home friend and I will revisit my decision to be a working mom. But only you know what is right for you and you need to follow your heart rather than what others might be want you to do. And then own that choice without regret or guilt – both wasteful emotions.

7. Get to know and like yourself. And know that you are constantly changing and evolving and that is good. It took me a few decades to embrace this one but that summer started me on the path. I saw that there were parts of me that connected with my parents’ culture and parts that connected with the culture of my birth and still others I hadn’t quite figured out. Life is really one long journey of self-discovery and getting my eyes opened at this early stage gave me a big boost. My husband and each of my kids, as well as many dear friend and other family, have provided me a different view of myself. It is an amazing gift to get a multidimensional picture through those who know and love you best but connect to the various pieces of the endless myriad of who you are.

8. Find a diverse set of people who give you energy, challenge you and make you better. I went to a small rather homogeneous high school. My parents tried to surround my sisters and me with people that shared their culture. But I found I was always seeking out the different and unusual to me. I was drawn to the people I worked with after school – their experiences and perspectives were fascinating to me having lived a sheltered existence. Not all were good influences; some I thought I could change - -naively. Others were focused on taking rather than mutual giving. I found I developed a better antennae and listen to my gut and my energy more about people that come into my orbit. I can’t help everyone and not everyone is deserving of it. But engaging with those who differ from me on many dimensions remains a focus and source of joy and learning.

9. Reach out to others in pain. It is empowering and you will realize everyone struggles in some way. I see people struggling – it might be the quiet person in the back of the room who looks like they want to speak but can’t find the space or it might be a homeless person on the side of the street. They remind me of those times where I counted down seconds during lunch time before I could return to the safety of the classroom where I could excel. I found just a simple smile or looking someone in the eyes as you ask them how they are can make all the difference. I realize one of the gifts of my experience was to be able to genuinely reach out to another and know that just acknowledging I saw them as a person or I appreciate their struggle can be a priceless gift. I still remember those who gave that gift to me.

10. Learning empathy and applying it regularly in your everyday interactions is trans-formative, if you allow it to be. Learning to see something from another point of view, which I can now do more readily, allows you to change an outcome. And seeing through the eyes of another, can often point you in a new direction. Collaboration and synergy are so powerful; I think they are born out of empathy. The human experience is hard and we all have our burdens. Feeling that and carrying a bit of anothers burden allows us to express our humanity in a unique and priceless ways. Also looking from a different vantage point can make you see things you would have otherwise missed or misunderstood.

That summer before my freshman year was a catalyst for many revelations that followed. And now when I hit a rough patch, I consciously look for ways to see where I landed from another perspective, this can be taking a trip, talking to someone I know will look at the situation differently, getting my mind to be still, lending someone else a hand, and often a door or window, previously hidden from me, is opened.

A version of this post previously published at my Working Mother blog, Mom, Mayhem, Missions and More.