Advice From Uncle Monty

As someone who loves watching films, I enjoy quotes that mean something beyond the story. One particular favourite is from the 80s British classic Withnail and I, when Uncle Monty points out: ‘It is the most shattering experience of a young man’s life when one morning he awakes and quite reasonably says to himself: "I shall never play the Dane."‘

Monty is describing the moment when ambition and striving cease to matter and we settle into something less than we hoped for. In the case of the film, it’s an actor’s realisation that he will never play Hamlet on stage, but the beauty of the quote is that it reflects a tragic realisation that can be applied to any lost dream or idea of ourselves. For me, it’s the word ‘reasonable’ that sticks the boot in, the resignation of coming to this point and deciding that we will just learn to live with it. The fight has gone out of us, so we may as well take the ordinary path, a rudderless boat bumping around at the mercy of the elements because we no longer care where we end up.

If you feel as though this point is looming then take heart. Just as Withnail quoting Hamlet at the end of the film shows that he hasn’t quite given up, so our tips on developing a progress mindset should demonstrate that there is always room to make progress if you want to.

Reflect Honestly

Not all dreams come true and there is a world of difference between accepting a different situation and giving up the ghost. What we are talking about is when our desires no longer seem worthy of any effort, so we become resigned to failure and start going through the motions.

Start by asking yourself whether you have in fact simply found a different path. So you may not have become the bestselling author or rocket scientist of your childhood dreams, but is what you are doing now enough for you to consider yourself to be achieving something? By reflecting honestly on your personal journey, you may be able to appreciate the different priorities and outcomes that are worthy of celebration. Getting that perspective can help you to view your circumstances more positively, especially if you can see the work it took to get where you are.

Review Without Judgement

If you genuinely feel that there is nothing to be positive about, then your next step is to try to get to the bottom of what is not working. You can’t ‘fix’ the past, but you can make a conscious decision to address the consequences in the present that are acting as barriers to your personal progress.

It’s important not to apply blame at this point, you are being factual so the less emotionally you review your circumstances, the better. Of course this is not easy as our emotions are tied inextricably with our feelings, but find quiet time where you can be honest with yourself about where you are - see yourself as your most trusted confidant with which to share your truth:

I wanted to make a difference, but I’ve become a pen pusher

This company doesn’t share my values

I really wanted this relationship to work, but I feel suffocated

You don’t have to thrash out a long list of details, but try to give specific examples that make your dissatisfaction tangible, constantly checking yourself to ensure that you are telling the truth. Being totally honest is difficult and we can sometimes mask one dissatisfaction with something less painful, for example determining that our job is boring because that’s easier to say out loud than that we are jealous of someone else’s achievement.

Take Action

So you have the truth now, your own version of what it is to never ‘play the Dane.’ You have literally two options:

1?????????Do nothing

2?????????Do something

If you want positive change, start by taking responsibility for your next steps, however small, and determining to do something about it. If it helps, find a coach or trusted friend to talk through the options that are available to you. When you discover that there are options, you will start to see that progress is possible.?