Adult Friendships Are Tough ??

Adult Friendship 101: How to Build Genuine Friendships as an Adult

Growing out of my high school, college and old friend circle made me realise how difficult it is to create meaningful friendships from scratch, how hard it is to find commonalities with people you grew up with and called them friends for 10+yrs. I've learnt how hard it is to lose friendships but even harder to maintain stronger bonds ??

As adults, we know that friendships don’t just happen ?? They take time and effort, and they are built on trust, honesty, and mutual values; trust that is usually established through getting to know another person over time or having that comfort zone around sharing emotional or platonic intimacy with someone you connected with over a short period of time.

But for many of us adults, our friendships have dwindled in recent years due to the pressures of adult life, distractions around us, other responsibilities and honestly, the different phases of lives we step into. Finding time for older friends can be difficult but so is making new friendships very challenging for us. When you’re working long hours or trying to balance your personal life with other responsibilities such as family obligations or volunteer work or passion projects, it really comes down to how and who you give your time to. And here, the emphasis lies on quality time i.e not just existing for the time being with your friend and checking that box once you've done your part, but actually Being there when you spend quality time with your friends and listening to them while feeling being heard too.

A little exercise for you before we go further:

• Go through your WhatsApp top 5 chats (I'm not even going to bother naming Facebook here, because I think we all know 40-50% of the people you have on your friend list there, you won't be talking to everyday or have your heart to heart moments with at any point in your life)
• ?Check the last time you spoke to them, what was the last conversation you had?
• Was it about them or you? If you haven't asked them about them in a while, or if you need someone to talk to about yourself too, then maybe just reach out and ask them how they're doing?
• Try answering the question: "How're you doing?" not just with a casual "good good, U?" But maybe genuinely ask them how they're doing and listen to them and when they ask you, tell them how you feel. Take a little pause from what you're doing and have a proper conversation.

?Connecting with new people is hard but so is connecting with older friends. I'm in a phase right now, where my friends circle has definitely grown smaller but I value it more than I did before. And yes, Covid definitely gave me a perspective of who are the people I'll be holding on to and yes that might change later, but that totally depends on you and the bond you want to have with the other person. It's good to set clear expectations which is tougher in friendships than in relationships I guess, as to understand yourself as well as to let the other person know what you need and listen to their needs in the friendship as well. I've been through that phase where we take friendships for granted, thinking: friendships are a given, they'll stay with you for the rest of your life, but that's not the case.

You change! People change and so does the environment and circumstances around you ?

However, that doesn’t mean it’s impossible to stay connected with friends as an adult — you just need a little help getting started again! This article might help you to look at your friendships in a deeper way and understand how to build genuine friendships as an adult, and find new pals who enrich your life & give you support when you need it most. ??

Ask yourself why you want to build new friendships or nurture old ones ??

This may seem like a weird question to ask, but it’s a necessary one! Before you can even think about how to approach new friendships, you need to ask yourself why you want to make new friends in the first place or nurture an old connection you have.

Do you feel like you don't connect with some of your closest old friends the same way anymore? Are you trying to replace the many friendships you made in school that have since fizzled out? Are you hoping to make new friends with people who share your new common interests? Or are you trying to make new friends who support you through a difficult time??

What you want from new friendships can help you figure out the best way to approach people and set positive, equal, and clear expectations in the friendship from the get go — that you want a genuine friendship built on trust and honesty. The foundation is relational, not transactional here, let's keep that in mind. (We'll cover more on that in the future)

Join groups or go to events where you can socialise ??

?One of the best ways to meet people who you might become friends with is to go to social events where people are likely to be friendly and also looking to meet new people. Joining a book club or a sports league, or taking an art or dance class at a community centre are all great ways to meet people who might become friends!?

With that said, if you’re introvert-ish or generally nervous about meeting new people, consider joining an event where you can partner up with someone who is also new to the group! This is usually how all new kids in schools become friends. ??

?Partnering up with a friend or acquaintance is a great way to ease into socialising with new people because you have a buddy with you who can help you feel more at ease. And having a friend with you also helps ensure that you won’t leave the event feeling like it was a waste of time. It’s difficult to start, but definitely worth it!

How to find events to socialize? ??♀?

This might seem like a simple question but I ask and get asked about this sooo many times!

While there are different apps you can try to meet new people, but for events, let's start off with what you're interested in!

• Dance: Look for different styles of dance classes available around you and maybe go for a trial and see if you like it!
• Expat meetups: If you're travelling solo or living abroad, don't want to niche it down it to specific interests, but meet different people in general? You can look at Expat Meetup events on apps and sites like Meetup or Eventbrite or even FB groups.
• Sports/Gym: The same rule for Dance class applies here too, check out what sports facilities you have around you, and go check it out, join a team or take a friend with you and meet more people.
• Startup events: This is a great way for you to not just create your professional network but also your personal network. Networking at events like this is hard, and we'll dive into it in a separate newsletter, because networking is an important skill to have which takes practice.

But basically, it all starts with being ready to try what you like doing already or trying something completely new with new people. Give it a shot and let me know how your next experience goes! ??

?Questions, questions, and questions ??

?We’ve all heard the phrase “You have 2 ears and 1 mouth for a reason”. And as cliche as that sounds, it’s actually a hack to connect with people more deeply!

?Our favourite speaker in the world is us. Internally, we all want to tell our stories, our struggles, our achievements, and so on. But if all of us are speakers, who’s actually listening? That’s why asking questions from people who you’re catching up with after a while is a great way to reconnect with them!

?But in a much deeper perspective, many people don’t have anyone to talk to about their day or what’s going on in their lives. And it’s sad that its that way for them! Even if someone may seem boring on the outside, it means you don’t know much about them. From what I’ve noticed, if you ask people a certain number of questions consecutively, you’ll find them hella exciting! Try it once in a while, you’ll be shocked from what you find out!

?Pro-tip: Try not to ask ‘yes’ or ‘no’ questions and use statements to get them talking for long! You can try the exercise I mentioned above with new people too ??

Hang out with your friends at least once a week ???

Building genuine friendships is about more than just meeting a new person once or even a few times. It’s about making a commitment to someone that you’ll be there for them consistently.

Showing up for people is what matters! And showing up consistently or at least trying to is what helps you nurture the bond that you have! ?

Exercise: Check in on a friend you haven't spoken to in a while and would like to re-connect with or try to initiate the next meetup plan with your friends

Studies show that you build stronger friendships when you see each other more often. That’s because your brain needs time to process the information it gets from each interaction. It’s why you might forget what someone was wearing when you first met them, but after a few more encounters, you can remember their favourite colour!?

Pro-tip: Maintaining a work-life balance is super important. If you’re facing trouble at work, it’s most definitely going to affect your personal life. Learn how you can identify and solve your workplace triggers in my last article here.?

Summary

Friendships are essential to our well-being and happiness, but they can be hard to build as an adult. Building genuine friendships takes time and effort, and it’s important to be honest and make time for your friends once you make a commitment to them.

Here is a recap of what you need to do to build long-lasting friendships as an adult:

1- Ask yourself why you want to make friends

2- Join groups of events where you can socialise

3- How to find events to socialise

4- Ask as many questions as you can

5- Hang out with your friends at least once a week

Thanks for reading!?Learn to invest your time in your friendships ??

P.S. Comment below on what’s your favourite point out of these!?