Adjusting Your Emotional Thermostat

Whoa! It was brutal, harsh and hit me the nanosecond my feet hit the floor. Feeling was rapidly leaving my now-bluish feet, and the icicles off my nose hitting the ceramic tile floor sounded like glass shattering.  I staggered clumsily toward that off-white, plastic box that promised comfort and warmth – the thermostat.

You know cooler weather has arrived when shorts are forsaken, and we forage in our closets for wraps, wool socks and snuggly hats with earflaps. No, I don’t think I’m being overly dramatic – after 17 years of living in Florida, I don’t need science to prove that one’s blood thins living in warmer climates. The proof is in the shivering when temperatures dip below 50 degrees here. B-r-r…

Our corporal thermostat isn’t the only one to which we should pay attention. Once cozy wool socks and flappy-eared caps are donned, it might pay to also monitor and adjust our emotional thermostats, too. When I start feeling what I call ‘prickly’, that is, annoyed by others’ behaviors I judge to be dismissive or impolite (cut me off mid-syllable and you’ll get my famous ‘evil eye’) my emotional thermostat can escalate! The amygdala (our brain’s emotion center) can have an itchy trigger finger.

So, here’s how I’ve learned to adjust my emotional thermostat and keep the ‘heat of the moment’ from singeing my bangs:

·      Frame It and Tame It - Is It Really That Bad? Our ‘in-the-moment’ reactions, often caused by our ancient ‘fight or flight’ response, can be intense. So, to roll back a hurried reaction, I ask: ‘Given everything else going on…’ or better yet, ‘Given what I have experienced in my life thus far, is it that bad? Would it violate any of my core values if I didn’t immediately respond?’ These simple questions could lessen the likelihood of a ‘can’t take it back’ moment. It may allow us to look at our biases with grace and make reasoned choices on whether it’s worth the fight.  

·      Mom was right- Engage brain before mouth: My mother often said,’ You never know what’s boiling in someone else’s pot.’ So true. Unless you read minds, you’re not likely to know for sure why someone else says or does what they do. I think Mom was teaching me not to assume. In an exchange where the heat is high, I’m likely to physically ‘change’ so I can see it from another point of view – I’ll sit if standing, lean in, lean back or lean over, whatever - to shift the tense energy and maybe, by leaning over the pot, talk about what's brewing before it starts boiling over.

·      Give yourself a break – focus on what’s going right and own it: It might just be human to focus on what’s going or gone wrong rather than what’s gone right. However, I think we deserve to acknowledge to ourselves that while things can go awry, things can also go right! Recognizing this allows us to experience a healthier balance between emotions that lift us and those that may depress us. While there can be a myriad of variables in a situation, we need to purposefully look for and own what we (and others) did to help things go right. A smile at the right time, a demonstration of trust, a skillfully posed question – these simple actions can help things go right.

If you’d like to have the complete list of ‘Ways to Adjust Your Emotional Thermostat’, please contact Dr. Baxter at [email protected]

Dr. Pat Baxter is an advocate for women in the workplace and the use of emotional intelligence as a leadership tool. She has coached diverse talent in financial services, technology, retail and pharmaceuticals, providing results-focused skill development, reliable assessment, and team mobilization strategies. She is a recognized author, corporate consultant, and professional member of the National Speakers Association.