ADHD in women: love and hate, wins and losses...

For this mental health awareness month (ah yes! did you know? May is Mental Health Awareness Month! ??), - besides reminding you all to be kind to yourselves and find a few minutes in your busy day to sit back, reflect and meditate, I’d like to talk about something special to my heart ???? - all the wonderful, brave, resilient, creative, and cool women who have ADHD!!! (or suspect to have it). I bet you’re thinking… “what difference the gender makes?”… “why women?” or… you might think… “uh… ADHD? you mean these lazy people who like to constantly find excuses, and procrastinate, and complain, and get distracted?” Well, allow me to tell you more :) it’s about awareness after all, isn’t it?

First things first, ADHD is not about “oh, look, squirrel!” - it’s about the way how brains work. ADHD brain responds to everything differently and has a different from neurotypical reward system. To make it simple - there are several types of ADHD brains: hyperactive, inattentive, or mixed. Boys are diagnosed 3-4 times more often than girls, even though girls are as likely to have it. The hyperactive type is much more common in boys, and much easier to spot, as they are often the “trouble-makers” and the “loud” ones. And the inattentive type is more common in girls, which tends to be overlooked as they are often the “perfect quiet pupils” who just “need to try harder”. Of course, it’s a generalization, and boys with inattentive type are also easily overlooked. Where boys are more active and show their ADHD externally (often via aggression and anger), girls are more likely to phase out and internalize their emotions, get upset and suffer silently. Where boys show it via action (running around and fidgeting), girls are likely to show it verbally (can’t stop talking). The fact is, that boys tend to be over-diagnosed with ADHD, while girls are usually (you guessed it…) under-diagnosed.

Now… 75%-80% of kids with ADHD will likely develop second or third psychiatric condition at some point in their lives. Women are 3 times more likely (than men) to be treated with depression before they are ever diagnosed with ADHD. When women talk about issues and concerns that bother them, which might look like ADHD symptoms, they are often not taken seriously because “ah… women and their periods”. Imagine living your whole life thinking that no matter how hard you try, you’re never enough, wondering why you just can’t be normal, always being the weird kid, being competitive and an overachiever while at the same time getting burnout so easily. You might think you have a solution: “go to therapy and help yourself”. Easier said than done.

See… I said before that ADHD brains work differently. In a nutshell, they are not friends with executive function: you get easily distracted, you have racing thoughts throughout the day, it’s hard to focus, concentrate, and find motivation, especially for tasks that you find boring… and oh believe me - many things are so boring! You often get over-excited about new things, new hobbies, but then get over them as easily. You constantly forget about appointments, where you left your keys/phone/wallet/kid… everyday chores become a nightmare as you can’t finish a simple task because you’re sad that Pluto is not considered a planet anymore. You can’t force yourself to send that email because your third grade teacher once got upset with you because you forgot about your homework because you got distracted with your new hobby which you now remembered and decided you urgently need to buy a new musical instrument to finally pursue your childhood dreams, but then the recommendation engine reminded you about your old purchases and you found those funny socks that you want to buy again… and now it’s been a few hours and you’re still reading about who lives at the bottom of the ocean… and in the end you send your emails late in the evening, while feeling bad that you didn’t manage to finish everything in time… again… ??

Wait… what was I talking about? Ah, yes, the executive function. The advice to “go to therapy and help yourself” sounds great in theory, but in practice - you forget to make an appointment, or to show up to one, or to fill in the form because it's just too long and cumbersome, or to call and ask your GP to give you referral… they don’t make it easy, do they??? Well, long story short, it’s an everyday invisible battle which feels like nobody will never know or understand…

Unless… some day you find another ADHD brain, and you sit together and talk about your struggles, you laugh and cry about it, you share what works and what doesn’t, and how to deal with this world and its people; and then, you learn that despite its challenges, ADHD brains give you superpowers! I found that ADHD women (while generally inattentive) will be the first to remember little details about friends and colleagues which other people wouldn’t; they have high emotional intelligence and empathy (even though, at first they might seem weird and appear to not understand people and how to communicate with them); they are some of the most creative and entrepreneurial people, finding new paths, crazy innovative solutions, new ways of doing things; they are overly emotional and will respond to kindness with three times more kindness (but I mean… don’t break their trust and misuse that kindness or else ??); they will either create chaos or organize it - depending on the situation and the context ??... they are also loyal and honest, and will very rarely have some hidden agenda - there’s just no time for that BS, as their brains are constantly occupied with other problems such as how to achieve world peace and where is my phone again!

Anyway, what I’m trying to say… when you get a moment to spare - take some time to learn how ADHD brains work, and especially how they work in women. Learn a technique or two how you can make their life easier without judgement or prejudice, and appreciate them for their effort, even if things don’t always work out the way they should, or seem clumsy and messy and all over the place. It’s hard to comprehend what’s going on in ADHD brains, but it takes little effort to be kind and understanding. The support you give them now will return to you tenfold! There are plenty useful resources on this topic, but if you’re willing to check out something fun and entertaining and yet educational - I highly recommend “How to ADHD” Youtube channel -?https://youtube.com/@howtoadhd ?- it’s a great resource for audiences of all ages, parents, teachers, teens, adults, and other beings who simply want to be more supportive and understanding of their friends and colleagues, who likely live with ADHD brains ?? ??

P.S. If you feel or suspect that you or someone you know might have ADHD - the best way to address it is to talk to your family doctor / primary care doctor / GP (depends on your country). Ideally, they should be able to have an initial conversation and potentially give referral for further assessment. The age doesn’t matter here… It’s never too late!