ADHD and the "Window of Opportunity"

By Michael Y. Simon, LMFT ?2024

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ADHD??? is??? a??? lifelong??? neurobiological??? disorder, representing a type of non-neurotypicality. But just how it shows up in our life changes over time. In my clinical practice over the last 28 years, I have observed something operating with many clients who have ADHD which I have termed the Window of Opportunity. This “window” has to do with the cyclical character to motivation and task- initiation that often frustrates those with ADHD, and those close to them who often lack sufficient understanding of just how complicated motivation is in general, and specifically if one is dealing with ADHD.?

It’s a well-known fact that many people with ADHD struggle with both initiating tasks, and following them through to completion. What is much less well-known is that starting tasks doesn’t feel the same all the time, and the difficulty beginning and following-through often seems to go through “seasons” or cycles.?

Difficulty with Starting Tasks Often Has Identifiable Phases

Not all difficulties with “hitting the start button” on tasks feel the same. I’ve noticed that this difficulty with initiating tasks (which I call opening the “Window of Opportunity”) seems to go in a cycle, consisting of 3 major phases:

Phase One

There are times in which you feel really good. You want to do something, and you basically do it. You might have struggles along the way, but you wanted to do something and you got it started, without really even thinking much about it. You may have struggled in the past with doing this very same task, but not today. Today, getting going on the task wasn’t too bad at all. These positive times can increase your self-esteem, confidence and mood. This state is described as when the “Window of Opportunity is pretty wide open.”

Phase Two

Phase Two describes a time during which getting out of bed or off the sofa is hard, but guilt, worry, external or internal criticism will probably eventually get you moving. A famous Roz Chast New Yorker cartoon called “The Mind- Body Problem” depicts a man sinking into his couch. “Get Up!” he tells himself; “No!” he answers.

There are times when you don’t want to brush your teeth or don’t feel like going to do that errand (even if the errand is to get something wonderful or desired!) …when you know a walk or run have you feeling good afterwards, but you still manage to drag, coax or convince yourself to do it. A partner or a parent or a friend might show up and suggest/push you towards that activity, and this might help you get going, for whatever reason. Maybe you feel guilty and don’t want to disappoint them. Maybe you really want to do that thing, and this other person gave you just the excuse you needed to get moving. In Phase Two, you might have a goal of doing something (like exercise) five days a week, and only end up doing it once or twice that week, and then three or four times the next week. Inconsistency is a hallmark of ADHD, in any case. This phase is described as when the “Window of Opportunity is still open, but not very wide.”

Phase Three

There are times where it feels like no amount of dragging, coaxing or convincing can get you going. You may be sitting on the sofa, watching an awful show, wanting to watch something else, but since it would require getting the remote control, which is outside your reach, you keep watching this horrible program—for hours. It’s like some force-field has you locked in that place. Your girlfriend may have asked you to please remember to pick up her new glasses later that afternoon, because you’ll have the car— and you cannot get yourself to get to the car and do the errand. You may be on day three of not getting out of bed in time to make your first class. Because you miss your first class, you blow off your afternoon class. And then it starts again the next morning. You know you’re in danger of failing assignments. But you don’t send an email to the teacher, and you spend the day, and the next day, and the next day, playing Apex Legends or Animal Crossing. Your mom may have gotten super irritated with you and asked you to PLEASE do some dishes and clean out your room, and you actually agree that enough is enough. You actually don’t want to piss her off, and you appreciate how much she does for you, but you still haven’t done any of those chores before she gets home at 6:00 p.m.?

You may love to play the guitar, and all you need to do is to change one broken string, but you’re out of strings and cannot get yourself to walk one block to the music store up the street. It’s been three and a half weeks since the string broke, and now three and a half weeks since you picked up the guitar, which you, in fact, love to play. These negative times can send your self-esteem, confidence and mood into the depths. This state is described as when the “Window of Opportunity is Closed.”

Anxiety, Depression and Other Challenges to Acting on What We Know We “Should” Do

Many people with ADHD have co-occurring anxiety or depression (or both). When the Window of Opportunity is wide open (Phase 1), it can feel like a welcome relief from worry. But when the Window of Opportunity is barely open or closed shut (Phase 3), we begin to attack ourselves. We talk to ourselves with harsh and punishing judgments, and we can alternate between trying to feel numb and feeling super bad and guilty for what we’re not doing. We feel miserable for what we’re not doing because, we tell ourselves that “It’s so easy to do, after all.” During these times, we often don’t ask for help, because the thing we need help with is something we’re supposed to be able to do without help.

When we’re in Phase 3, our anxiety can be relentless and we’re at higher risk for rising depressive thought and feelings. Under this kind of stress—which others rarely see or recognize—our thoughts begin to get more distorted, often predicting disaster. Out thinking can become highly distorted and lack perspective and nuance1. Often, we employ one major strategy: avoid, avoid, avoid. Previously enjoyed social interactions now feel like the last thing we want to do. Unhappiness, avoidance and numbing out seem to descend fast, without explanation.

Maybe, just maybe, after expending substantial energy and simultaneously neglecting the normal activities of daily living, you feel burned out. Even though others think you’re not even doing anything, you still feel so tired. A period of low morale and heightened anxious and depressive feelings ensue. During this time, you have low energy, reduced motivation, increased rumination and worry about the future, negative self-criticism and questions about your worth and ability. You may isolate more and more, spending more time in bed. This low period is subsequently followed by a week to several weeks in a more neutral state before the cycle begins again. Some people feel like they go through this cycle each day.

Perhaps the worst thing is that this phase of having the Window of Opportunity closed shut seems so different than having it wide open: we got things done, felt productive, even hyper-focused on activities we loved and felt competent at doing. How could we be the same person in both those states?

Does this sound familiar to you? If it does, you are absolutely not alone in this. It is really important to realize that these three states of openness of the Window of Opportunity occur very frequently with people who have ADHD. It’s not a moral failing. It’s not laziness. It’s not exactly a lack of desire. But you feel in your bones those times when the Window of Opportunity is just closed, and nothing seems to open it. Is there anything that can be done or do you have to just accept that the Window is closed and give in to it?

The answer, surprisingly, is both “Yes and No.”

Working With the Window of Opportunity—Whether It’s Open or Closed

?One major takeaway from this situation is that the “opening of the window” is part of a cycle. Things don’t stay the same. Most people with ADHD who recognize the events described above, also recognize that they don’t always feel stuck. The closed window doesn’t stay closed. But when and how the window “opens” seems mysterious. It just feels like it’s kind of impossible to initiate activities—and then it doesn’t feel impossible.

In fact, the cyclical nature of motivation for task initiation that many people with ADHD recognize can be a major cause of conflict with parents, partners, friends and bosses. You might have heard, “You did this before—so what’s the problem now? Just get it done. I know you can do it!” Well- meaning others can use our having done things before as an argument that we should do it now.

But what people close to us don’t see is the intense cognitive effort we are making to get going and stay motivated, if we can get going at all. The internal war we are having is mentally and physically exhausting and often guilt-inducing, but it’s largely invisible to others. They see us with both loads of time available and not doing anything. What they are missing is that if motivation for task initiation goes through cycles, then being able to do something now means that we will likely have a harder time in the future with this same task. What they miss is that there is a reason for the inconsistency they see in our behavior, and that reason is not that we don’t care, or are lazy.

It’s important to note that people with ADHD often use how they feel right now, as a means of choosing whether or not to do an activity or task. That’s one reason why planning now to do something three months later, often is not very effective (or desirable) for the person with ADHD. We may have every intention and desire to do something, but whether we will do it often hinges upon how we feel the hour before or the morning of something we might have planned a while ago. So, if we don’t want to do something the morning we wake up, what we said earlier won’t matter too much in terms of getting motivated. People with ADHD often struggle to find motivation to do things that they’re supposed to do, but don’t feel like doing now. “What an excuse! Isn’t everyone that way?” people say. Well, yes, many people struggle to do things now that aren’t that salient for them. But not everyone feels that pushing, coaxing and convincing themselves feels impossible. Many people with ADHD do feel that way, and get judged (and judge themselves) incredibly harshly for it. And those harsh judgments are not usually effective motivators for action. For some people, those harsh judgments are, in fact, "effective" motivators for action, but they come at the price of anxiety, and other intense, negative consequences of self-condemnation.

Four Basics That Seem to Work for Many

There are thousands of books on ADHD. Tens of thousands of coaches and therapists. There are websites and tip sheets and conferences on strategies for dealing with ADHD. I’ve read so many things that look good and sound great on paper. But not every strategy or medication or intervention works for everyone. And something that works today may not work next month or next year. That’s a solid fact right now, because consistent inconsistency goes with the territory of ADHD. The four ideas below are basically the things I’ve seen work the most over 28 years of doing psychotherapy with people who have ADHD. This does not mean these are the magic four things that always work for everyone, all the time. It just means that in my experience, these are the four things that people keep coming back to that seem to help and make a positive difference.

1.?? Realize the Window of Opportunity cycle is just that—a cycle that will change. You will feel like it’s impossible to motivate or begin, but that won’t last. If you take notes or watch carefully, you’ll notice that the Window may feel closed for two or three or five weeks, but you’ll wake up one day and go for a walk, and it will seem a bit like a miracle that all of a sudden, your motivation is there to do something you couldn’t do last week. Study yourself. Look to see if you have a cycle like this operating. Narrate your struggles with a therapist or coach and see if together you can spot the pattern. Try to see which “phase” of the cycle you’re in right now. I’ve seen people cycle through all three phases pretty regularly, over the course of six weeks. I’ve seen others who cycle must faster through these phases during the course of a day or two, but there is still a rhythm to it. I’ve seen people who cycle through high, medium and low/absent motivation and initiation over a course of two months or so. But the presence of a cycle and levels of motivation seems very common.

2.?? Tag a friend, mentor, parent, teacher, coach or partner. When motivation is low, don’t spend a lot of time arguing with yourself that you should be able to do it because it’s easy and you did it before. People with ADHD often find that doing something with a group or with someone else—or even with someone else simply nearby to them—often helps. The neurobiology of having someone close by you is an intriguing part of the puzzle. Try to ask for help much earlier than you have been. This can feel embarrassing. You think you should do it yourself. You don’t want to look weak or be a bother. But if you try this strategy of getting near someone else as a way to motivate your own action, and study the results, you will likely see that this method can sometimes open the Window of Opportunity a little bit, where no progress seemed possible. If you discover this cycle in your behavior, try to tell someone close to you. Tell your teacher, your partner, your parent. Tell them you’re working through a rough patch and you’re aware that things won’t always feel stuck but they do right now. Find someone to be a companion alongside you as you try things, whether you end up succeeding or not in what you’re trying to do.

3.? Focus on self-care during times when the Window feels closed. Should you just accept that you’re in a part of the cycle where things may feel difficult or impossible around task initiation? Yes, in a way. Forgive yourself. Recognize that you don’t totally control these neurobiological rhythms. A good surfer doesn’t try to conquer a wave. She tries to work with it, learning about how it works and how to become a part of those workings. She learns to ride the wave, not fight it. But that doesn’t mean that there is nothing to be done. When you are having trouble initiating tasks and the Window seems closed, temporarily lower your high expectations and focus on basic self-care: daily tooth brushing, showering, getting outside for a walk or some way of moving your body/exercising or being in nature, eating regular meals and trying to eat well, trying not to let your sleep go to hell, etc. These are all still tasks, and they may feel as impossible to do as the rest of the stuff you’re trying to do. But—and you’ll know this is true if you’ve experienced it— sometimes even just showering every day can mean the difference between whether you feel you accomplished something that day, or you feel absolutely miserable about yourself and your current abilities.

When the Window of Opportunity feels slammed shut, try to do at least one or two things that fall into the basic self- care category. It will make a difference and can hasten the Window of Opportunity opening. By the way, as you feel your overall motivation dropping, focusing on self-care can sometimes help prevent the Window from closing completely.

4.? Consider ADHD medication and/or the addition of regular, intense physical exercise, if you don’t already have those pieces of your life in place. I’ll be honest: I haven’t really seen that medication eliminates the challenge of going through cycles of difficulty with task-initiation or follow-through. I’ve seen that for some people the use of the right ADHD medication can reduce the extremes of those cycles, allow them to ask earlier for assistance, and/or allow them to access the strategies that they know work, but forget to do. As is often said: “ADHD is not about not knowing what to do, it’s about not doing what you know.” In other words, it’s a problem of motivation, not intelligence.

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Some people believe that having ADHD is a gift, because it allows for creative and different ways of seeing and being in the world. Others say it’s not a gift, it’s a curse that harshly impacts all aspects of our life. I don’t really believe in defining it in either of those ways. What I do believe in is the power of learning about ADHD, learning about ourselves in general, and sharing what we learn with others, with as little self-condemnation as possible.

About the author

Michael Y. Simon, LMFT is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, practicing since 1996. He specializes in working with adolescents and adults with ADHD, especially those who work in the arts and entertainment fields. Michael is the author of The Approximate Parent: Discovering the Strategies That Work with Your Teenager (Fine Optics Press, 2013), and has worked for decades with parents, teachers, schools and therapists promoting good adolescent mental health.

Notes

1. Cognitive-behavioral therapists like Aaron Beck and David Burns have long-noted that distortions in our thinking are a common response to unmitigated stress. See, for example https://positivepsychology.com/cognitive-distortions/ .