ADHD, RSD…. how many letters do they want?! Navigating ADHD and feedback this review season

For as long as I can remember, I’ve faced a fear of negative feedback, rejection and ultimately failure. It’s been an odd experience, particularly as there’s a narrative in the workplace, that feedback is a gift. Quite frankly… I’d rather return it to sender.?

For years, good feedback would give me a feeling of euphoria - it would make me feel like I could take on the whole world. But a little constructive feedback would floor me, to the point that I could only view it as criticism, not as a learning opportunity. Quickly, it could turn me from loving my job to thinking I need to quit - and it could take me days or even weeks to work through. And with Christmas - and review season in many businesses - now upon us, it reminds me how much anxiety that time would create.?

It’s only recently that I’ve understood the connection with ADHD - I first heard about it from psychiatrist and best-selling author Dr James Kustow. Like many aspects of ADHD, I thought that fear of feedback was just another thing that I’m not good with. I put it down to being worried about failing - and thought that if I simply removed myself from harm's way by avoiding feedback entirely, I would be okay.?

But then I learned about RSD - which is a fancy acronym for ‘Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria’. In simple terms, RSD is an extreme emotional sensitivity to perceived rejection, failure or criticism. People with RSD may experience intense emotional pain or distress in response to situations where they feel rejected, criticised, or not good enough, even if the perceived rejection is mild or unintentional. This emotional response can sometimes be disproportionate to the actual event, making it especially challenging to manage in everyday life.

Dr James Kustow covers the subject brilliantly in his podcasts and exceptional book How to thrive with adult ADHD, and I’d highly recommend it to anyone who lives with ADHD, or lives with someone who has been recently diagnosed.?

There’s a couple of ways that it can show up both at work and at home - and lots of them resonated with me right away:

At Work

• Overreacting to criticism: Responding negatively to even small or constructive feedback This can make it difficult for us to engage in feedback sessions without feeling deeply hurt. I tend to feel anger and wanting to put things right, or prove people wrong.?
• Avoiding challenges: To avoid potential rejection or failure, we can procrastinate or avoid taking on new tasks or projects, especially if we feel uncertain about our ability to succeed.??
• Perfectionism: In an attempt to protect ourselves from criticism, some of us might strive for perfection, leading to burnout, stress, and dissatisfaction.
• Misinterpreting social interactions: A subtle look or comment from a colleague may be perceived as criticism or rejection, leading to misunderstandings.?

At Home

• Sensitivity to Family Feedback: Criticism from loved ones, even if it’s constructive or minor, can trigger a feeling of rejection, which can lead to arguments
• Withdrawing from Loved Ones: To avoid feeling hurt or rejected, we can sometimes shut down or avoid intimate conversations, creating emotional distance from people we love
• Fear of Letting People Down: This can lead us to worry excessively about disappointing others.?

A helping hand

The good news is that there are a number of tactics online which can help, but I have highlighted a few that have worked for me, or that I am testing in my daily life at the moment?

Awareness and Acknowledgement: The first step in managing RSD is recognising it - whether you are the person with ADHD or supporting someone with it. Understanding that emotional responses are tied to RSD—and not necessarily reflective of the situation is important. However, it’s important not to avoid or ignore feedback completely - by recognising that you may have an emotional reaction to receiving, and that this is a response to RSD can help make it easier to rationalise.?

Self-Compassion: Encourage self-compassion and reframe negative self-talk. This could be as simple as acknowledging everyone makes mistakes and you cant be perfect or right all of the time - it’s simply OK

Managing Expectations: As someone with ADHD my “go-to” is to set the moon shot goals.? I have a phrase that I use often - I want to change the world.? But we need to set realistic goals: People with RSD may benefit from setting smaller, achievable goals at work or home to reduce the pressure they feel to avoid failure. I have found the Product Op Model brilliant for this as designing a product is all about small iterative steps, allowing you to see and more importantly celebrate small successes.

Be honest about it and know your limits: Acknowledging and communicating limits to colleagues, friends, or family can help manage expectations and reduce the risk of emotional overload. I am now very clear with people that I have ADHD and let them know that some of my actions and emotional responses can be because of that - but as always never use it as an excuse for simply bad behaviour

Clarify Intentions: In both work and home life, it can help to clearly express intentions when people give you feedback. I have just changed bosses and we have had very open and honest conversations around this, letting him know that I often read into things that are said. This has been really useful for both of us.?

Mindfulness Practices: Mindfulness exercises can help regulate emotional responses. Grounding techniques, deep breathing, or meditation and exercise can create a buffer between the emotional reaction and the response, giving space for more measured responses.? Over the last couple of years I have meditated every day. I also spin on my bike every other day to help get my mind in a better place.?

Having a trusted friend or coach: Having someone (a friend, partner, or therapist) to provide feedback and reassurance in a real safe space can help those with RSD feel less alone in their emotional struggles. I am so lucky that I have worked with a core group of people for well over a decade. I feel as though I can always ask for help and they will always point out if I need to refocus, or reframe.

RSD can be a powerful force in the lives of those with ADHD, affecting how they respond to feedback, manage relationships, and navigate their personal and professional lives. With practice, it’s possible to build resilience against the overwhelming emotional responses that RSD can trigger, leading to healthier interactions and greater emotional balance.

So this review season, as you’re filling out your personal development forms and thinking about pitching that promotion to your line manager, think about how you can prepare for feedback by implementing strategies like self-awareness, reframing negative thoughts, and fostering supportive environments. By being prepared it’s possible to soften the emotional intensity of RSD, reframe your response to feedback and apply those learnings to put your best self forward. You’ll never “fix it”, but being aware of it and how it surfaces is the first huge step to living with it.

After all, let’s not forget - living with ADHD is a superpower.