ADHD and ME

ADHD and Me

Being a 42-year-old with ADHD, I've had my fair share of trials and tribulations from a professional and personal perspective, so it's great to see that Mental Health is becoming more acceptable in the workplace. Being diagnosed aged 41 has helped answer a lot of questions about certain traits, behaviours, feelings and emotions especially when I start to piece together certain aspects of my life.

As a kid growing up in the late seventies/early eighties (yes, that is me on the right), I was always the ‘hectic’ one, the kid that would want to make others laugh, the kid that would do stupid things if it meant getting a laugh (and usually resulted in getting in trouble), the kid who couldn’t sit still for a second, always involved in some activity or other to avoid the incessant buzz of my brain. My mum took me to see our family doctor, Dr. O’Donnell, as she was convinced that I was more than just a hectic child, and was told “he’s a young boy, this is what boys do, it’s normal, he’ll grow out of it, perhaps cut back on the sugar intake!!”. These were heart-breaking words for any child to have to hear, “cut back on the sugar intake” may as well stab me in the heart with a red-hot poker.

Therein followed a diet that lacked fizzy drink, or “pop”, and when I was allowed a small amount, it was poured in minute measures and I was watched like a hawk. My parents have some stories of how I did some crazy things, my favourite being when I took the milk float for a joyride aged five. Picture the scene…the milkman is chatting to my mum on the doorstep (no comments, please) and out I run, jump in the float and start cruising down the road with him and my mother in chase. He’d previously shown me how to drive it and, being electric, it was as easy as putting your foot on the pedal and steering. Another time, in France, I trapped my sister in my dad’s new brown Audi (yes, brown), locked the doors, took the handbrake off and rolled his prized possession into a tree. These are just a couple of examples of this “normal kid” Dr. O’Donnell referred to. 

At secondary school I was incredibly sporty and gave maximum effort as this was a subject that I loved and excelled in, whether that be football, athletics, rugby, tennis or hockey. Just being outside, exercising with my mates was pure bliss, and still is when I get the time. I did however struggle academically with the vast majority of subjects and found it really difficult to focus and not be distracted, whether that be by classmates or my own thoughts. As a result of this and other behaviours, my headteacher had my parents on speed dial and numerous detentions and suspensions followed for all sorts of stuff and knowing what I know now, I can’t help but wonder whether things could’ve turned out differently if my teachers knew and were trained to deal with what were perceived as “problem children” with ADHD? My typical school reports would always say “lovely kid, has the ability to do more if he put his mind to it and tried harder”. Little did we know that my mind was half the battle!

After failing my GCSE’s, I attended college only to be asked to leave after three months as I seemed to have more interest in getting high than attending my lessons, and those I did attend I was usually high in. This led to a period of around 9 months just dossing around, experimenting with drugs and alcohol, with no clear direction on where I wanted life to take me. My parents were worried about my lack of focus and mood swings so arranged for me to see what would be the start of numerous counselling and psychiatric sessions over the next twenty odd years. That first session aged around 20 didn’t uncover anything at the time.

I spent the next five years drifting in and out of jobs with no real ambition, literally living for the weekend and spending my pay check on drugs and alcohol which were becoming almost medicinal to me at the time. Knowing what I now know, i'm guessing my relationship with drugs and booze was to mask the thoughts that were buzzing around in my head. I always felt different to others, almost weird and not normal (define normal)!

In my early thirties I decided to try recruitment and took to it like a fish to water. It soon became clear however that it was very much a numbers game, and the pressure was on to make money for the business. Used to group objectives in estate agency, the strain of achieving individual targets brought on a sense of anxiety and depression. I’d settled into the new job well, was earning good money, hitting targets more often than not, but I put a lot of pressure on myself as a result of the competitive environment, which was very much siloed with little opportunity for collaboration. The stress ultimately built up to a point where I was crying on my way to work because, with my self-esteem at an all-time low, I simply didn’t think I was good enough, even though I was the third highest biller globally out of 120 consultants. Whatever I did, professionally or personally, just didn’t feel good enough; I was never happy or satisfied. I had everything I thought I wanted - house, kids, beautiful partner - but I always felt as though it wasn’t enough, even though I tried so hard to be happy in the present. 

I stayed at the same recruitment company, becoming miserable and isolated, for what felt like a lifetime but was in reality only four years. It was then that I realised I’d had enough, thought that the grass was greener, and moved on to pastures new. Terrible decision! Over the next three years, I had three different jobs. Though I didn’t know it at the time, two of these I left because of my behaviours, my approach, my lack of focus on the job, and also my employers lack of knowledge, understanding and adaptability in how to deal with me. At this time, my relationship with alcohol took a turn which only served to accentuate my anxiety. I used drinking as a way to escape the thoughts that I’d go to sleep and wake up with: a constant, overwhelming barrage in my head that I couldn’t seem to control. 

Knowing that I had anxiety and depression wasn’t a surprise to me, it just took a while to finally admit it. There is a history of this in my family. My grandfather took his own life and those are urges that I have had to fight myself in my darkest days. I was still uncomfortable with the fact I didn’t know WHY I suffered from anxiety and depression. So many questions remained unanswered. Why couldn’t I hold down a job? Why did I feel so out of place? Why did I lack focus? Why was I burnt out all the time? Why did I feel at odds with the world? These feelings compounded my complete lack of confidence in my ability as a recruiter, which brought on the anxiety and depression again, which, in turn, led to drinking to wipe out the emotions and confusion in my head. It was a vicious circle. Something had to change, and it was purely by luck that I happened to see a programme one night that featured a young guy in his mid-twenties who had recently been diagnosed with ADHD. 

He was going through his symptoms: Easily distracted – tick, impulsive – tick, hyperactive – tick, poor memory – tick, easily bored – tick, procrastination – tick, mood swings/quick temper/easily irritated – tick, tick, tick, inability to deal with stress – tick, extreme impatience – tick, speaking out of turn/offending others – tick, tick, restless – tick. It was like a defining moment for me, like when God parted the waters of the Red Sea, or Michael Owen scoring THAT goal against Argentina in the 1998 World Cup, or Tony Adams scoring Arsenals fourth goal against Everton to cap a 4-0 victory on 3rd May 1998 to win the Premier League. I looked at my other half and in a split second we both diagnosed me with ADHD. I knew it wasn’t as easy as that but it sparked endless google searches, online tests and the increasing conviction that I had to get this diagnosis confirmed. A trip to my GP revealed that it would be a long and slow process and, being a (now medically diagnosed!) impatient individual, I decided to spend my own money and found an ADHD specialist in Harley Street who diagnosed Major Depressive Disorder Co-morbid with ADHD of the combined type. 

The relief of a diagnosis was palpable. Finally, I was starting to get some answers which could shed light on some of my past escapades, failed attempts to settle in a job, lack of focus, speaking out of turn, mood swings and quick temper, difficulties in my childhood, my relationship with alcohol and recreational drugs etc. Being open and honest about the diagnosis has been vitally important, especially with my immediate family. Knowing why I am the way I am has answered many questions and we’re all still in the process of learning, but the change in me has been quite dramatic – as confirmed by my partner. I delayed telling people at work at first; I was afraid that it may be viewed negatively, but that was, again, me thinking the worst. ADHD is still unexplored territory in my organisation (and the corporate world in general) but my MD was incredibly supportive, which was a real boost for my confidence. 

This whole journey has led me to want to understand what organisations are doing to assist employees with any neurodiverse characteristics, what knowledge do they have on how this effects the individual and how they can adapt the workplace to accommodate us accordingly? Yes, there are a lot of challenges that come with having ADHD, however we need to look at the positives by understanding how these energies can result in being impactful in a working environment. By gaining knowledge and understanding and making small adjustments to the working environment for those that have ADHD can make a MASSIVE difference to how the individual feels and therefore performs. Win win scenario.

Being diagnosed has made my life much easier in many ways as it’s helped me and others around me reach a form of acceptance. I now understand why I struggle in certain areas of my mental health and the effect this has on both my personal and professional life. Understanding is easier to accept as you can work with it rather than against it.

By working collaboratively to embrace neurodiversity by raising awareness, knowledge and impact, we can surely only all win together and drive a more inclusive working environment?