ADHD | The kids are not okay

There are a rising number of kids across the UK who are rejecting the school system all together and refusing to go to school. Since covid the number of absences in schools have seen a steep rise (source ). You may see this as a rebellion of sorts. Where kid’s sing along to: “We don’t need no education”. The truth is - the problem isn’t the kids. The problem is a system that is outdated and lacks the resources it needs to cope with a new world. One where we are more aware of what dysregulated neurodivergence looks like.? One where the need for diagnostic care and intervention far outweighs what the government can provide.

Gone are the days where discipline and structure is the way to deal with ‘disobedience’. No one is going off to the army - so why do kids still need to stand in straight lines and keep still in class?

Ultimately, this article doesn’t have to do with the school system that is failing many kids. It has to do with the kids and parents who deal with repercussions of this outdated system. As a mom and coach with ADHD, who watched my parents struggle and feel defeated when their ‘all’ wasn’t enough, this subject is extremely close to my heart.

At that point in time, there was no awareness of how ADHD presented in girls, so I went undiagnosed throughout school and uni until the birth of my daughter. With all I know now, as an ADHD coach, I could have been there for my parents who felt like they had let me down. The truth is quite the opposite - they did all they could with what they had. They dealt with my very unhappy situation at school, and ended up just giving in to my every demand, as it seemed to be the only way to ‘regulate’ me. I cannot go back and change what happened. But I can help others move forward.

Ultimately, my belief is that no matter how much you advocate for your child at school, you don’t always have control of the experiences they have, and this can feel disempowering and infuriating. But there is one thing you do have control over. YOU have control of how you connect with your child. The problem is, you may have a parenting approach that has worked for you with your other kids and by all means, is appropriate in many cases. What you need to understand is that this same approach is not going to work for your child or teenager with ADHD (or neurodivergence in general). Once you understand how your child’s brain is wired, you can meet them where they are at.

In this article, I have outlined the approach I would use to coach parents with an ADHD child. Funnily enough, there is a strong genetic component to ADHD, so there is a chance that either you or your partner may have ADHD too! I actually have a coaching client who has ADHD, along with her husband and kids too! This means having an approach that works for HER and her whole family is required.

1. Reframe

The first step to connecting with your ADHD child is to unlearn all the assumptions you have made in the past with regards to their behaviour. They ARE NOT just being:

Disobedient

Lazy

Hysterical

Anxious

Rude

They do not have so much potential - but just need to commit.

Their behaviour is reflective of them being in environments that were not made for their brains. In other words, they are dysregulated in a world that was not made for them. How does an ADHD brain differ? Your child has an interest-driven brain. This means that their biggest motivation is interest as opposed to outcome (source ).

So when they are invested or interested in something their motivation sky rockets. For instance, you may have a child who is an AVID reader of a certain genre that they love. They are most likely to get through multiple books on the weekend. You would assume that would make them studious. But they have NO time for school literature or studies. You may see this as defiance. But that is far from the truth. If the task lacks interest, urgency, novelty or some form of competition, getting it done is HARD.

In contrast, a neurotypical child’s main motivation is generally the outcome. So if you give them a task, such as washing the dishes, with a reward or consequence for delivery, that is generally enough motivation for them to get it done.

This same strategy will most likely not work for a child with ADHD. An interest-driven approach to an outcome is way more likely to work.

Your child has an executive function difference

Have you ever been absolutely astounded by the talent that your ADHD child has in something complex, while feeling that they have no idea of how to get the simple stuff done? This is not uncommon at all. Children and adults with ADHD have a 30% difference in executive function (source ), meaning that that their self awareness, motivation, problem solving, time management, focus and emotional regulation may be impacted.

They struggle with simple things that you just put down to laziness. The trick is recognising where your child struggles because this is unique to them and their brain. It may not be so easy to spot because your kid tries really hard to be ‘normal’ - and sometimes this is actually part of the problem.

So, what do you do with this information? Try to reframe the meaning behind your child’s behaviour, because if you believe that your child is the ‘problem’ your response to them will not make them want to open up and connect. Next time your child is trying to assert themselves, take a moment to reframe:

Lazy → Lacking dopamine and chasing interest in what is interesting and fun

Disobedient → Struggling to keep up with the task at hand and too scared to say it

Melting down → Triggered by something in their environment that is causing emotional destress

Lacks attention → Is taking in things that other people are able to filter out

Sensitive? → May be dealing with rejection sensitivity, a real or perceived sense of rejection that feel painful and only lasts for a limited period.

There is ALWAYS a reason for behaviour and if you are able to reframe this, it really helps you to empathise with your child. I can tell you now, your child does not want to be the trouble-maker, their actions are just misunderstood.

2.Reconnect

With this in mind, you can approach situations where your child is dysregulated in a new light. Obviously each person presents differently with ADHD and what challenges they have are unique, but there are some principles that you can use to approach difficult situations:

Start with their strengths

By the time your ADHD child is 12, they have heard 20 000 more negative comments than their neurotypical peers. This means that they are acutely aware that they are not doing things 'right' (source ). Make a point of noticing and praising them for the things they are great at. Think about activities and classes you can take them to that boost their confidence - even if it’s not associated with school.

Start by pointing out the ‘small’ things they are doing right! Noticed that your kid remembered to put the toilet seat down (when you know he may struggle with working memory)? Acknowledge this effort. It means more than you know.

Think about ways to lean into their strengths, such as working on projects of interest instead of moaning about what they are doing “wrong”.

Stop with the “shoulds”

In certain areas, your child may be 3-5 years behind their peers (source ).

Instead of: You should be ready at this time.

You should remember what you need to do.

You should be able to know this by now.

Start by:

• Understanding what your child finds challenging about certain tasks For instance, they may be finding it painful to do a certain chore instead of chasing a dopamine reward instead. By approaching them with a sense of understanding, as opposed to annoyance - their response may be different too. Start by acknowledging their challenge: “I can see that this is tough for you” Ask open ended questions such as: “What are you finding difficult about this?”
• Then, try and get them to recall a time where they were able to complete the task with more ease. You may even remember a certain instance where this may be the case. For example, you may notice that your child is more “willing to engage” in chores if you provide some form of entertainment, such as their fave album while they complete the task.
• Start incorporating this approach into daily life By finding accommodations that allow your child to get things done in a way that works for their brain, their confidence grows and you feel more empowered. It’s about relearning that the “right way” may not be what is best for your child.

Sometimes your actions speak louder

When your child is dysregulated or feeling down, engagement can seem almost impossible. If they are open to touch, just put your hand on their shoulder, show open body language and make sure they know it is okay for them to let it out.

Dealing with conflict

When your child is dysregulated, the best thing to do is not engage in that moment. Trying to reason with them in a rational manner while their brain feels like it is on fire has probably not led to a good outcome. If they respond to physical touch you can simply stand by them. Another strategy is to let them know that you want to understand what is making them feel this way, but you are going to give them space until they feel ready to chat. Someone with ADHD generally lashes out when:

→ They are dysregulated in their environment

→They unconsciously want to up their dopamine by picking a fight

→They have been triggered in a way that makes them ruminate and go down a rabbit hole of shame

→Their needs are not being met

The main thing to know is there is no reasoning in this moment. It actually makes it worse.

Growing accountable humans

You may feel like your neuro-affirming actions do not “teach your child a lesson”. Or show them that in life there are consequences for their actions. This is far from the truth.

You want to create structures, routines and accountability - because although your child may say they hate the rules, they actually thrive best when there are limits in place. The trick is to create accountability that is based on where your child is at - instead of where you expect them to be.

If you have both collaboratively figured out strategies to get them through the day that work for them, keep them accountable to these standards- not a random set of rules you’ve proclaimed are ‘correct’.

For example, if you know that your teenager does not do well in the morning, don’t schedule chores for this time. Figure out a time and context that better suits their energy level. This is called flexible structure. You are setting up reasonable accommodations that work for an individual and measuring improvement according to these standards.

One step at a time

Change does not happen over night. I always tell the adults I coach who have ADHD, that trusting themselves to move forward is measuring one small step at time. The ultimate destination is to get your kid through a system that is not flexible or affirming & show them that they have a whole world to discover. But this is isn’t instantaneous. It’s literally about building a relationship with them, brick by brick.

It’s about every time your kid remembers that toilet seat.?

It’s about acknowledging those wins. Because the reality is, your child may be winning sports tournaments or coming first in public speaking. But it’s those little things that they struggle with, where they really need acknowledgment and validation.

3. Re-imagine

Once you have shown your child that you have met them where they are at, validated their experiences and collaboratively worked to find the ’easiest way’ for them - its about finding out what tools can help them integrate in different contexts in their life, such as school, daily routines and weekends too.

This is not always the case, but you may find that once you understand how ADHD is showing up for your child and where their executive function difference shows up, it is easier to implement change with teachers and staff at their school.

I have seen first hand the difference it makes to say:

My child has ADHD.

They struggle with memory recall, sitting still and breaking bigger projects down.

These are the ways we support this difference.

Can you do xyz, as this will help them come home and take accountability in this way.

Rather than saying: My child has ADHD. They need accommodations.

Most of the time, the teacher has a very stereotypical understanding of what this means and has no idea how to help. But if you do know, you can ask for practical support. It may be as small as asking the teacher to make sure the child has taken out visual reminders for certain tasks.

There is a chance this makes no difference and either the individual teacher or the system let your child and your family down. You can’t control that. But you can still advocate in a clear way and control what happens at home.

All behaviour makes sense if you understand the root cause. If you would like to find out how ADHD coaching can help you set up a working strategy that you can use to go from overwhelmed to empowered as a parent, do not hesitate to reach out to me on [email protected] .

I can help you find personalised strategies that help you coach your child with ADHD and give them the chance to re-imagine their future.

Sources:

https://blogs.lse.ac.uk/politicsandpolicy/the-rising-tide-of-school-absences-in-the-post-pandemic-era/ https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-brain-chemistry-video/

https://childhood-developmental-disorders.imedpub.com/articles/adhd-and-the-case-for-support-through-collegiate-age-understanding-the-lifecycle-of-developmental-delays-in-executive-function-for.php?aid=23264#:~:text=Because

https://chadd.org/adhd-weekly/use-summer-to-improve-your-parent-child-relationship/#:~:text=Psychiatrist and author William W,who do not have ADHD.