[ADHD is bonkers #2] - It’s not you, it’s me. From ADHD victim to ally

“Look, Normie-ish”, I finally told myself, “you didn’t spend your entire life trying to fit into a system that wasn’t made for you, so you have no idea what it feels like. Support the peeps you love instead of making things worse.”

JAYSUS, WHY DID IT TAKE ME SO LONG TO GET THERE?

??This is #2 of our series: “ADHD is bonkers and I (am learning to) love it”, where we share our ups and downs launching a business when one of us has ADHD. See #1 for context. In this post we explore how we got into The Pit of Despair and how we got out of it. Hint: it has a lot to do with me learning to change.

When changing environment means slow death

We were initially on top of the word, but the business honeymoon didn’t last long. What actually happened? The simplest answer is that we moved Niamh from an environment which played to her strengths (working in a hip tech company), to working in a new one that didn't (working from home with her not-so-hip hubby).

Let’s compare:

You get the picture. We inadvertently put Niamh into the most boring position ever. And it woke up her dormant ADHD. Now, it wasn’t actually dormant, her ADHD was always there, but it was shining up to this point thanks to her operating in an environment that supported her strengths. Business at home with hubby awoke its dark side.

I saw the most positive person on the planet get depressed as she was hitting wall after wall on a daily basis. I contributed massively to creating that environment, without realizing it.

On top of this, our daughter was asked to leave her afterschool care because of her own ADHD (fun fact: she also had just changed school). Having her at home in the afternoons while launching our business wasn’t how I imagined the business going. Niamh responded to this really well — I didn’t — but it made it harder for her to focus on anything else.

And this is often what happens to folks with ADHD. At some point in their lives, all the mechanisms they’ve put in place to deal with a system that wasn’t made for them - crumble. They have a new job, a baby, an extra someone to care for, a new house or a city to move to, etc. Something extra that requires extra focus and is too much to cope for a brain that seeks novelty and excitement.

Hello male biases, fancy seeing you here

It’s especially true for women, where ADHD is harder to diagnose because:

1. the research is heavily skewed toward boys/men and findings don’t always apply to girls/women (some studies have as much as 90% male patients).
2. women adhere to the social norms - the “good girl” expectations which tends inadvertently masks their symptoms. As a result, they tend to be misdiagnosed or diagnosed later in life when their environment becomes too much for their amazingly creative brain to deal with (e.g. the drudgery of chores + kids + work, etc.)

We have this image of ADHD kids running around the classroom and disturbing everyone. This may be true for hyperactive boys, but Niamh was an excellent student who caused zero problems - quite the opposite. A “good girl” student who excelled on many fronts.

Since ADHD is genetic, it's often in the family. We have multiple female friends who get a diagnosis after their own children have been diagnosed.

??Phase 2 - Where I f****ed up as a husband/business partner

I’m sharing the following not to indulge in self-pity, but because it’s actually what precipitated our fall into The Pit of Despair. I made things worse until I realized that I had to change the way I approached things for Niamh to play to her strengths - I believe there is a parallel here with how our society ask neurodiverse folks to always adapt, instead of making space for them - and all of us - to be ourselves.

In short: don’t do what I did.

1. Pointing things out constantly leads to shame, like duh

Remember in post #1 where I mentioned that one of my strengths was being analytical? Well, when Niamh’s behaviors started not to fit into a box, I analyzed the s*** out of the situation. To the point where I was pointing out everything she was doing wrong - constantly. Like:

• Why are you late to our meetings (in our kitchen)?
• Why are you missing the deadlines we both agreed to?
• Why are you spending all your time on things that make no money?
• Why are you cleaning the kitchen again when we have s*** to do?

I also started sharing constructive feedback about, uh, how “unreliable” she was. Very helpful. Husband/Biz partner of the year. 5 stars. Would marry that guy again.

2. More ‘normie’ structure is not helpful

The more Niamh failed to deliver, the more structure I put in place to ‘help her’ focus. Needless to say, what I asked of her may have been helpful to a neurotypical person, it clearly wasn’t for her. I basically set up her to fail over and over again.

Don’t get me wrong, structure is important for ADHD folks, but it needs to be adapted. We now have a system to get things done that works for both of us (details in a later post). But at the beginning, I was acting like a square could fit into a circle.

3. The parent-child trap

This one is probably more specific to couples, but I can see it happening in workplaces too. It looks like this: the non-ADHD partner plays the role of a parent by acting and speaking in a bossy, nagging way, and constantly reminding the ADHD partners about things so they don't forget them... again. The ADHD partner feels like they're being treated like a child and resents the controlling micromanagement. Needless to say: it heightens the guilt without fixing the problems.

Thankfully we were able to identify what was happening before it damaged our relationship too much.

The devastating impact on Niamh’s confidence

You know the sad thing about telling Niamh that she was being “unreliable”? She knew it and she couldn’t stop it. And she was beating herself up for not being able to live up to my and her standards.

In fact, the ADHD burnout cycle or ADHD paralysis is very common for ADHDers. I just… accelerated the process by being so boneheaded. It goes something like this:

??Phase 3 - It’s not you, it’s me

After weeks in The Pit of Despair, I decided to meet with a counsellor to find a way to handle my stress. At this point I was drowning in ADHD cray-cray from my wife and my daughter. Let me reframe that last sentence: I was drowning because I wasn't able to handle my own reactions to the situation, not because of them <<< this is the difference between the self-centred victim mentality I had adopted up to that point (poor me!), versus actually taking responsibility and supporting them better.

Because here’s the truth: for most of our working relationship, I had been behaving like a victim. A victim of ADHD cray-cray. It was happening to me. That damn ADHD brain was shitting all over my way of launching a business!!

I finally understood what Niamh had been trying to tell me all along: she was Trying Her Best. She was suffering and if I wanted her to be happy, I needed to look at my own way of doing things. I needed to question what I took for granted. My intentions were good, but not the way I went about it.

These reflections brought to light my own limitations:

• a set of misplaced expectations for what good should look like
• a lack of flexibility for how things should be done
• a scarcity mindset that was holding both of us back
• a need for security that prevented us from taking risks

For months I had been screaming “THIS IS NOT HOW THINGS SHOULD BE DONE!” like an old bureaucracy on life support, in contrast Niamh was a scrappy start-up breaking all the (my) rules.

Different operating systems

Funny how I got there by a completely round about way. I went to the counsellor to talk about the stress THEY were causing me. The psychiatrist said this:

“You, your spouse and daughter have different operating systems. You like routine, knowing what happens next, being on time; they like spontaneity, change, and people. You will always have friction - it’s bound to happen.”

First, props to the counsellor for talking to me about operating systems - that’s a language I can understand. I see what you did there, you clever mentalist wombat!

Second, it made me question my assumptions. Up to that point I had been thinking that my system was better than theirs. I hadn’t considered the over way around. Was I the one causing all this?

“Look, Normie-ish”, I finally told myself, “you didn’t spend your entire life trying to fit into a system that wasn’t made for you, so you have no idea what it feels like. Support the peeps you love instead of making things worse.”

You know, I don’t actually think the system our society is operating on is made for anyone in particular (I mean outside of old white men with lots of money #sowoke). I may label myself as “Normie-ish”, but I’ve also struggled for years to fit into schools, workplaces, etc. Really, any system that ask you to wear a mask so you can fit in, is asking you to shut parts of yourself off. The difference with “neurodiverse” folks is that a mask is not enough. They need an entire costume just to be allowed to knock at the door.

Hey love of my life, we need less of me, and way more of you

I ended up having a breakthrough: Niamh had been trying to play to her strengths since the beginning, but I had created an environment that squashed them all along. It takes two to tango, and I wasn’t playing ball in a way that made sense to her. I had been asking her to fix herself and to fit into what I considered to be ‘reasonable’ expectations. We needed less of me in our working relationship, and a lot more of Niamh.

This insight is what will eventually lead to our paradigm shift in phase 5, where we integrate how we both work into something greater. Still, it took us another 6-8 months to get there: we had to experiment, learn about each other in a new light, and find ways to unleash her amazing ADHD superpowers.

I've compiled my ADHD is bonkers articles at Midlife Stuntman - a newsletter where I share hard-won insights on chaos, growth, and laughing through life’s uncomfortable lessons — French irreverence, zero platitudes, and yes, sometimes ??.

1. ADHD is bonkers and I (am learning to) love it
2. It’s not you, it’s me. From ADHD victim to ally
3. ADHD Superpowers? WTF does that mean?!
4. A system to focus when your biz partner can not.