ADHD, Autism, and Me.

This may seem like an odd place to share this somehow, but it's also a place where I 'know' the most people - many of whom have and do support me, accept me and genuinely appreciate me, despite how different I am.

And I'm so tired of keeping this inside because that's fake. And I'm 41 this year, happy with my achievements, still driven to do better, and have nothing to be ashamed of.

And most importantly, I hope this helps somebody else.

So - here we go.

My son is Autistic. He has also ADHD. He was diagnosed recently and we were not expecting it as just saw him for him and were possibly blinkered with love.

As a parent, many things flew through my mind but most importantly I was worried about his future. Was? I still am.

It is fair to say that becoming a parent didn't just complete me. It made me.

I had a very challenging childhood with a lot of challenging behaviours and complex difficulties. And I also felt different.

I wanted a have a family, not just because I had a lot of love to give, but because I somehow wanted to put right a lot of wrongs I had experienced in my own childhood and give a child (or 3) the opportunity to experience what I did not. Which were understanding and acceptance. But when my son was diagnosed, I was initially filled with dread. Was he going to have the same awful experiences I had endured?

However, it has now come to light that my son and I may have more in common than just DNA. It seems that I, too, most likely have ADHD and quite possibly more. I can't quite bring myself to define 'more', yet, as I would rather see it in writing for some reason.

Since I met with his Dr (and now, mine), I have thought back to some of the more awful work experiences I have suffered from colleagues. Some have found me 'too much, 'too quirky' or just plain jealous of my energy and ability to retain ridiculous amounts of information. And their responses were cruel.

So I had to mask who I really am, tone down my vibrancy and creativity, and dull myself in order to not be annoying or too overbearing. And I became really good at fitting in. I understood who people were within minutes of meeting and am honestly one of the most talented chameleons you'll ever meet.

- The job I did not get as I was deemed to be "too sensitive".

- The crying in the toilets over a horrible decision a Product Owner made over a mobile user journey years ago.

- The constantly starting up businesses and then quitting them until most recently succeeding at staying put on one project

- The biting my thumbs in meetings so that I didn't interrupt

- The taking comments personally online and then making an idiot of myself (up until a few years ago)

- The anxiety of having done something wrong when a colleague or boss of mine called me into a meeting that we hadn't planned

There are so many more!

All of this made and makes me an effing good colleague, friend, partner and Mother.

- I am able to read and understand people in ways neurotypical people cannot.

- I can predict the outcomes of many events, problems, and dilemmas because of my ability to feel everything and anything all at the same time and not be overwhelmed.

- I am connected in a way that many people are not

- I can take a current conversation in my mind and spin it like a plate and be 5 steps ahead in that same conversation and still think about what I am doing in an hour and yet be present for the person who needs me to respond to them.

For the first time in my life, I understand that there is nothing wrong with me. I am just different and many parts of my difference are a gift. And many parts are disabling and have resulted in a horrible existence for many years.

However, now I know.

And had it not been for my child, I would not have this closure.

Thank you, son. The system is beyond a joke but I'm going to fight for you. x