Addressing Changing Desires in Marriage

Q: I’ve been married for eight years. As I grew up in a broken home, I don’t want the same for my children (if I have any). Before marriage, my husband was very understanding and said he didn’t mind not having kids. But I guess his thinking has changed now that he’s in his 40s. Although our bond is strong, I still can’t imagine life with kids and don’t have the urge to have any. What should I do? What can I do to change my own thinking?

-- Biological clock not ticking right

Dear Biological clock not ticking right (what a name!),

First thing to know is, you are not alone in facing this.

Life priorities change as we progress. What was accepted as norm is different now. So, both of you may not have wanted kids before but that has changed for him. After all, it is a natural progression of the human life cycle.

As you mentioned, the bond and relationship between the two of you is still very strong so I recommend that both of you build on it. Not dealing with it may cause strain, resentment and regrets in the long term so it is best that both of you come to an agreement that is truly acceptable for both.

Some actions to consider:

1. Build on the bond to enhance mutual understanding and acceptance of each other’s situation, concerns and thoughts. Make time to really be with each other with the purpose of coming to an agreement on what to do.
2. Both of you can seek help with professional coaches and counselors.
3. It is natural and understandable that he wants to have a kid now so perhaps you can work on your own fears. Just because you came from a broken family, it does not necessarily mean that your kid will go through the same trauma. Contrary to what had happened, you may use that as a driving force to foster a strong family and give your kid the best environment (having learned from the experience of being in a broken home). Seek help to allay and manage fears and concerns, it seems like you have not let go of whatever happened in your past.

As you did not mention more about you, I am assuming your biological clock is still right for bearing a child. Harboring the fear for the worst is unhealthy as you may end up projecting it. Deal with the fears - what has happened does not mean that history will repeat itself unless you will it. You are capable of creating, maintaining and enhancing a lovely family and you must believe it.

Dr. Billy Kueek

About this Article

This is one of the compilation of the articles that were previously published in kidz magazine where Dr. Billy Kueek answered questions that were sent in by readers. The questions tackled issues from children, teenagers, parents and spouses. While we acknowledge that there is no one way to address problems, we hope that the publishing of these articles on LinkedIn will give you some insights on some of the options that may be available to you.

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