Adding the Dimension of a Working Mother

With my constant desire of absorbing information from the abundance of resources around, I’ve come across many write-ups, talks & forums about working women and I’ve always appreciated those insights and thoughts. However, I feel that being a woman is always associated with being a mother while in reality it’s an added dimension that by no means challenges the equilibrium but gives you something additional to think about. In some sense it’s similar to 4th dimension of time that implies a specific dimension in addition to other dimensions that are assumed as inherent for women. Let me say it in simple terms – Have you noticed your gut churning leaving your children at home with a nanny or in day care? I bet it wasn’t the same leaving your spouse or significant other at home. That’s what I mean by somewhat different perspective, as when you carry a different experience with you to work; you tend to operate a bit differently. Remember your thoughts, energy when you went to work first time as a single woman, married/committed woman, and a new mom. I am sure it was very different. Wasn’t it? So, today I just want to share my thoughts on that dimension and what I feel time to time in my daily life and how I am trying to reason with the norms that are rooted in the system around me.

Recently, dropping my oldest to college was not easy. That mom dimension just went beyond the controls of being a strong woman, professional and all other roles that I play (try to) every day and it was pouring emotion in all interactions for couple of days. I tried to fight it but it came back even stronger. Finally I realized my emotions will take their own course and decided to immerse myself in my day to day routine. And before I knew it, that emotional drenching was shrinking down to non-working hours only. In case you can’t guess, I love my work. I often questioned if I was not missing my son enough, though this was useless as I was hitting a blank space with every question. This reasoning didn’t give me an answer that my brain, so accustomed to social norms, wanted to hear. It responded what my heart wanted to tell me, that getting fully engaged in my work, is not taking me away from the display of my love. I have love for everything in my life including my work but that doesn’t need to be questioned as if it was at the expense of not missing my son. Also, at some point I realized my moral responsibility for being an example to my daughter. I know she will be a working woman who I hope will love her work. What kind of example was I setting for her? Someone who feels guilty because she is equally absorbed in her professional life? No, I wasn’t ready for that because that’s not the reality. And about my son, I’m good as long as I know he is surviving or may be even thriving without daily mommy love. ;)

My other observation was on the first day back to school for my younger one. I tell you, Facebook and Instagram were flooded with first day of school pictures. I doubt a telepathic conspiracy that spreads through social media. Yes, it’s that common. I gave best wishes to my daughter the night before school started because I wanted to be at work early in the morning as in the back of my head, a work related thought was giving me excitement and energy that was difficult to contain. Because I have same sentiments behind the gesture of marking the first day of the school in my memory book, here is what I did. I wished her by a text in the morning. I took a selfie with her next evening so I wouldn’t have the feeling of missing something. It was so refreshing to see what mattered most to my daughter, was marking a memory/good selfie on our own terms, not necessarily on the same day. You can imagine I was proud and beamed with joy. 

A few years ago in a formal setting for mentor-mentee pairing kind of session, I interacted with a bright young man who I thought was looking for a mentor, though he never mentioned it. After talking to him for few minutes, I offered to meet for any guidance or support he needed. I think I startled him to some extent. Naturally he was curious and asked why I took the first step and had offered my time. I thought for a few minutes, because his question was very genuine and I wanted my response to be the same. In that reflection, I realized I was seeing my son in him, working with him or someone like him in 5-7 years. I was being selfish investing for my childrens' future with a hope that someone like him would offer to mentor them. Someone with ‘pay it forward’ kind of mindset will take time to provide them guidance. He just smiled and that was it. A great start of a mutual learning relationship. We were learning about each other’s generation which not only helped me at work but also gave me some insight for my interactions at home.

With all of the above, I hope you see my motherly aspect coming into work with me. I am a woman and a mother and I don’t want to separate the two. One friend who sent her son to college a couple of years ago shared she was a wreck at work for few days, but it wasn’t seen as a weakness. It was accepted with care and respect. Her colleagues offered her tissues and water, recognizing that she is a working mother. How beautiful is that! When an organization makes a mother’s room for just one new mother or more that indeed is respecting the added dimension. Things such as onsite day care, flexible hours, work from home options, or even a foot rest for a pregnant woman recognize that being a mother is an added aspect to being a woman. In my experience, giving birth to a child is easier than letting them go and flourish on their own and between those phases, we, women are working and growing as professionals, woman and mother. This is where I think women can help each other to Lean In. We can help our organizations support and benefit from the nurturing qualities that come from being a mother. Thankfully it’s not as challenging as imagining the 4th dimension of time in a 3-D world. It’s as simple as knowing that being a mother and professional is a bit more than being a woman and professional. It’s that added dimension!

I call it added dimension to my perspective of defining myself as a woman. https://www.dhirubhai.net/pulse/my-perspective-defining-myself-preeti-sharma/