Addiction = Pain

It took a (long, really long) while for me to accept that what was happening in my life was addiction.

I always knew things would need to change at some point.

But to accept it... that's something else altogether.

Denial is powerful. So powerful that some people carry it to their grave, like a beloved child they've had a decades-long codependent relationship with.

Us humans don't always like to hear that we're wrong.

We don't like to admit that we're wrong.

And we don't like having to make that wrong a right.

Because it's painful.

Most people have addictive tendencies at some point.

A few examples:

• Infants – thumb sucking, pacifiers
• Toddlers – screens (cartoons, tablets)
• Children – sugar, video games
• Teenagers – social media, junk food
• Young Adults – caffeine, shopping
• Adults – work, alcohol, gambling
• Elderly – prescription medication, TV

But it's the things that we get addicted to, the degree to which those behaviours harm us, and the difficulty we have in stopping, that sets people apart.

It's a spectrum.

What is addiction?

Here's the definition from the NHS:

"Addiction is defined as not having control over doing, taking or using something to the point where it could be harmful to you."

And one from Dr Gabor Maté:

"Any behaviour that a person craves, finds temporary relief or pleasure in but suffers negative consequences as a result of, and yet has difficulty giving up. In brief: craving, relief, pleasure, suffering, impaired control."

Now let's touch on three things from those definitions: self-harm, relief and pleasure.

Self-harm – if someone's routinely causing themselves harm, one has to ask 'why'

The why can be found in the following two:

Relief – if someone's seeking relief, one has to ask 'from what'

Pleasure – seeking pleasure is a perfectly logical thing to do

BUT... when it comes to addiction, the pleasure is also a form of relief.

It is relief from the discomfort of boredom, monotony, or an unstimulated mind.

Because to do nothing — to have no stimulation — is a form of suffering.

Sidenote: in 2023, I spent four days in almost total silence at a meditation retreat.

When all stimulation is taken away, you experience this suffering.

You are forced to confront it. To make peace with it.

Practicing stillness in this way lessens the temptation to reach for external stimulants to avoid discomfort, or to give into cravings.

Unfortunately, as a society in the so-called "developed" world of today, we have largely lost the ability to do this.

Many see stillness as something to fear, something that must surely be avoided, something unbearable.

"I don't know how you did that"

"No way, not for me"

"I don't think I could do 4 hours, let alone 4 days"

— some of the things people said to me about that retreat.

How fantastically "developed" we are as a society, with our smartphones attached to our palms, with our inability to sit still or in silence for any longer than a few seconds, with our square, bloodshot eyes and our twitchy doom-scrolling thumbs.

Ok, back to the point I was trying to make...

All addiction is an attempt to seek relief.

Again, one must ask: 'from what?'

What is it that people want? (or not want)

Seeking relief

Let's look at that list again, but adding in some things they get relief from:

• Infants – thumb sucking, pacifiers → discomfort, insecurity
• Toddlers – screens (e.g. cartoons) → boredom, understimulation
• Children – sugar, video games → boredom, rules, stress
• Teenagers – social media, junk food → loneliness, anxiety, stress
• Young Adults – caffeine, shopping → stress, social pressure, fatigue
• Adults – work, alcohol, gambling → responsibilities, money worries, stress
• Elderly – prescription medication, TV → physical pain, loneliness, fear of change

And back to that spectrum I mentioned...

None of the things in that list above will have come as a surprise to you. Pretty much all of us experience stress at some point in life.

But what might come as a surprise is if someone working a 9–5, in a seemingly "normal" life, snorts ketamine, shoots up heroin or smokes crystal meth.

Why is it that one person turns to chocolate, but someone else sticks a needle in their arm?

The answer is psychological pain – but also a complex intertwined web of unmet emotional needs, social environment, and learned behaviours.

While addiction can develop at any stage in life, more often than not, all of the above are a result of events in childhood.

And the deeper the pain and the struggles, the lesser one's ability to cope – the more extreme the pain relief is likely to be.

Sometimes, a bar of your favourite milk chocolate just won't cut it.

A case study

I've spent the last few years working to understand what I've spent most of my life seeking relief from. It's taken me years to figure out.

Despite all the details and memories that I can recall from my life, I have patchy memories for large parts (dissociative amnesia).

In nearly eight years in and out of psychotherapy, some of these lost/hidden memories have started to come back, and it's given me a greater sense of control and empowerment.

But a few years ago, things started to click when I stumbled on the term toxic stress. Suddenly I had an explanation for many life-long symptoms, like sleep issues, difficulty concentrating, and mood swings.

When I ask ChatGPT about the link between these two conditions it says:

Toxic stress can often lead to dissociative amnesia, by overwhelming the brain, causing memory gaps, fragmented recollections, or emotional disconnection as a survival mechanism

and then the link with addiction:

Toxic stress can drive individuals to seek relief through substances, while dissociative amnesia can make it harder to process emotions, leading to substance use as a way to numb or escape overwhelming feelings and memories

I also discovered that during my teenage years and at points during my life after, I had lived with symptoms of complex PTSD.

(Due to its overlap with other conditions, C-PTSD is sometimes overlooked in clinical settings and often goes undiagnosed)

Despite this clear correlation between psychological pain and substance use, on several occasions when I talked about my drug use with a GP or health worker, I felt judged.

The result? More drugs. More alcohol. And still little understanding of the driving force behind this seemingly endless loop of destruction.

Adjusting to a new normal

In recent years, I've found healthy ways to manage this stress.

But my body's become so used to external stimulants for relief, that it's taken years of work for me to get used to finding relief only in healthy things. I did always have healthy habits alongside (football, etc.) — but it was always mixed in with all the drugs.

E.g. I'd often turn up for healthy things — a football game on a Saturday morning; or a hike up a volcano — hungover, with alcohol and cocaine still in my system, running on 3 hours sleep. Or I'd go on long cross-country walks, but with a cheeky gram of ketamine and an eighth of potent homegrown ganja.

Finding new ways to deal with the stress, with the pain, is hard. It's hard fucking work. (and your brain does incredible things to trick you out of it)

But it pays off.

It's better than the constant drama, conflict and chaos that I found myself in over the past two decades. Any day of the week.

And with healthier coping mechanisms, I know the relief is longer lasting (quite literally rewiring my brain) – as opposed to a deceptive, temporary escape.

Finding healthier ways to cope

Once you know the source of the discomfort, the root cause – you can then begin to move past it and find healthier forms of pain relief.

Here are some things that have helped me:

• psychotherapy
• meditation
• yoga
• journaling
• friends
• Buddhism
• recovery groups/communities
• wellness retreats
• exercise
• sauna
• cold water
• self-help books
• coaching

To end on a random, personal note (get used to it): my brother from another mother, Ben, bought me this book a few years ago when I was in early recovery.

He wrote a message in it, containing this phrase which, frankly, forms the foundation of this entire article.

As Dr Gabor Maté says:

"Ask not why the addiction –?but why the pain"

It's that simple.

P.S. If you're struggling and you want some support, I help men overcome addiction in two ways:

1:1 coaching – learn more on my website

A recovery community – learn more here

If you'd like to chat, book a call with me here.