Addiction and the Family: Stepping Off The Roller Coaster

“Whatever those therapy groups you're going to are doing, it’s working.”

My mother said that line to me over Thanksgiving dinner right before I celebrated four years of continuous recovery from a substance use disorder in 2016. When she said it, though, her eyes told me a different story. The story they told me was one of cautious optimism in which she appeared to be expressing pride in me turning my life around yet, at the same time, letting me know that she hasn’t yet overcome the pain she felt while helplessly watching her son destroy himself for all those years.

The families of someone afflicted with a substance use disorder are also victims to the disease. A disease that torment’s their loved one while they stand idly by with their hands tied tightly behind their backs only wishing they could break free to save them.

Imagine, against your will, you’re thrown onto the scariest roller-coaster in existence. Now, imagine that roller coaster’s brakes have failed and you are stuck helplessly experiencing that same terrifying death-loop over and over again. Uh oh, the restraint bar that’s holding you in your seat is loose. Things just got even scarier and there's seemingly nothing you can do to end the wild ride.

That is what it’s like being a family member watching your loved one struggle with addiction.

Even once the loved one finds recovery; the ride doesn’t stop there, for at least a little while. Fear engulfs the family as they recall the times the "roller coaster" has slowed down before only to, unexpectedly, pick up speed once again.

The fact of the matter is, what the family is experiencing is a form of trauma. And trauma needs to be treated. We’ve all heard the phrase “addiction is a family disease” which tells me that the recovery process must also be addressed as a family.

LONG-TERM ISSUES RELATED TO ADDICTION IN FAMILIES

Typically, some of the more prevalent issues for family members that is created by having an addiction in the family are mistrust, codependency, negative coping skills, resentment and financial burden. These are heavy prices to pay for a loved one’s actions but, sometimes to put it simply, it is what it is. The five aforementioned issues sound daunting but each one of them can be managed. Just like a person struggling with a substance use disorder is able to form new, healthy habits, the family is able to do so as well.

In my opinion, this all begins with education.

The disease of addiction is a complicated and baffling disease that, when misunderstood, seems impossible to overcome. On the other hand, once the time is taken to understand substance use disorders as a treatable disease, healing seems possible and hope persists to exist.

KNOWLEDGE IS POWER: EDUCATING FAMILIES DEALING WITH ADDICTION

Educating one-self on addiction while their loved one begins their recovery process is the first step to getting off the roller coaster ride. Part of that education process, in my opinion, should include learning to improve communication skills.

Here’s a scenario in which poor communication and lack of education leads to issues in the home:

Newly clean and sober John, comes home from work and looks exhausted. He sits on the couch and begins to fall asleep after a long day at work. His mother walks into the room and sees John in the process of falling asleep and an assumption is triggered, based on past experiences, that he must be using again. Panic sets in as she flashes through memories of John "nodding out" alone in his bedroom. She wakes up John up by screaming and accusing him of relapsing. John responds poorly to his mother’s accusations and has an emotional outburst. He storms from the living room to his bedroom and slams the door. They are both left feeling distraught, angry, and resentful.

Now, in this next scenario, John’s mother has educated herself on addiction/recovery and has decided to use healthy communication skills to address her concerns:

John comes home from work and looks exhausted. He sits on the couch, after a long day of work, and begins to fall asleep. His mother walks into the room and sees John in the process of falling asleep. Based on her past with John, she is concerned that he may have relapsed so she decides she should openly address her concern with John. Understanding the emotional instability that can be caused by post-acute withdrawals, she makes sure to remain calm and speak from a place of concern rather than anger or panic. “John, wake up, please. Seeing you falling asleep, the way you are, brings back old memories so I just wanted to check on you to make sure you’re adjusting to your new job ok. You know if you’re struggling, you can speak to me, right?” John responds in a relaxed manner and assures his mother he is just tired from work. “I appreciate and understand the concern, I’m just getting used to the new schedule and haven’t been able to sleep much at night, yet.” John’s mother is satisfied with his response and knows that sleeping can be difficult in the first few months of recovery based on what she’s read and has been told. She walks back into the kitchen to finish dinner while John gets his rest on the couch. While his mother is still aware that John is not out of weeds yet in terms of potential relapse, no new resentments or feelings of anger were created during this interaction. In fact, they actually took a healing step towards open communication and trust building.

As we can see in those two scenarios, education and communication are two extremely powerful tools when dealing with a loved one in early recovery.

HELPING FAMILIES UNDERSTAND THE DISEASE OF ADDICTION

One of the hardest concepts for a family member to understand is that they will, as a result of their loved one’s substance abuse disorder, have to now do work on themselves. As hard as this is to grasp for families, it’s a crucial step towards healing for their loved one and themselves that must be taken.

Something I often recommend to families is to try to separate their loved one's disease from the person who is affected by it. Recognize that your loved one still exists and has been hijacked by an emotional terrorist. Doing so helps us take a more objective look at our loved one's situation and remove some of the emotions that are attached to it. Hate the disease, not the person.

One last thing I’d like to mention is that the loved one that is using may not end up finding recovery. All too often, we deal with people in which the grips of addiction have a hold on them so tight that they can’t escape. As hard as this may be to hear, sometimes it’s necessary for the family to move on in order to protect themselves. This isn’t an easy thing to do, in fact, it may be one of the most difficult things a person would ever have to do, but it may have to be what’s done in order to protect the family unit as a whole. I am not suggesting giving up on the person afflicted with a substance use disorder, but I am suggesting detaching with love.

Learn to separate yourself from the person’s behaviors and volatility. It’s stepping off the roller coaster yourself and allowing it to just keep riding along without you on it. If/when your loved one does finally reach out for help (and is serious), it’s important you are stable enough to actually be able to help them. 

Take care of yourself, work on healthy coping skills, develop a support network, educate yourself, work with professionals, and work towards finding a place of acceptance of your family's situation. There is no magic fix or solution to this problem. The only thing you can do is fight the disease with the best of your ability while protecting yourself and the rest of your family. Know you are not alone in this fight and there are free support groups full of people who've been through what you're going through and can help guide you through it. There are also some amazing professionals and experts out there to support you and your family.

I'll put a link below to Next Level's resource page that has a ton of helpful links for you to find support groups, information, recommended books, videos to watch, and podcasts to listen to.

RESOURCES: https://nextlevelrecoveryassociates.com/resources

Blake E. Cohen, BA, CAP, CLC

Co-Founder of Next Level Recovery Associates Inc.

Https://NextLevelRecoveryAssociates.com