Adapting to Negative Personalities

My very first manager was absolutely unforgettable.?He was in his late 40’s?gruff, impatient, frequently peering out of the building windows as he paced around the restaurant with no general direction in mind.?He rarely looked us in the eye and never had patience for mistakes. When he noticed a mistake, he would often yell at us around other colleagues or even worse our customers.?There was never any conversations such as “Can you come to my office please?” “or Let’s chat real quick”. At just 14 years old, I road in to work every day on my little Huffy mountain bike, parked it near the back dumpster and road it back home before dark.?I was terrified of this man. I was terrified to even ask him a question of my job responsibilities so that I would not make a mistake. That summer though,?I made a promise to my parents that I would work there until the fall school year began and that is exactly what I did. As the school year approached, I quit that job on a hot August summer day and never looked back as I road my bike home that very last time. ?I made a little extra money that summer, have no idea what I spent it on but I will never forget his terrible attitude towards us. Also, that place went out of business a few years later! Karma, I guess. :)

I love the quote by Maya Angelou “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”?Over the years I have interacted with colleagues, managers, executives and customers of many personality types. A vast majority of these individuals have been good and even great people to work with.?But there has always been that smaller group of individuals with unforgettable negative personalities or behaviors that have made work so much harder that it needs to be for me professionally and sometimes personally.?These individuals can make our jobs harder, create a division in a team culture resulting in poor individual or team performance and even worse leave us feeling empty at the end of the day.?Whether it is by the words they say or don’t say, their negative actions or it is by how they carry themselves around others all of these frustrations can eat at you as an individual and a company culture, very quickly. What I have learned through some of these experiences is that you cannot fix bad personalities or behaviors, as much as you may want to.?Managers can and will discipline or terminate individuals with poor work performance that can coincide with poor attitudes or behaviors.?But there are still those people that do a good job at work yet still have negative attitudes in their everyday interactions with others.?Unfortunately, there is no magic wand in the workplace to fix these problems or email that can be sent.

Fortunately, some people with negative attitudes can change for the better.?Those individuals who possess humility and a willingness to listen can improve their negative attitudes as a friend, colleague, or leader.?As a young manager starting my career, I learned from failure several times that it is critically important to address individuals with poor attitudes, especially when it results in poor individual or team performance. ?Sometimes it is just pulling them aside and listening to their story to find out what's going on. It can be encouragement in many areas, but the conversation must happen.

We all go through certain seasons in our life, where maybe we are negative for various reasons. Things such as life changing events, personal issues at home or negative people in our lives all causing us to be negative to others. ?If we have a little humility, a will to listen to those around us, we can change. We can move past that negative energy. ??I have made plenty of mistakes as a peer and leader and still do what I can to learn from them every day. ?I certainly know people that have changed for the better after carefully addressing concerns of their behavior or?general demeanor and they made a choice to do better. Self-awareness is fantastic and something we should all strive for! ?Unfortunately, there will always be those among us that do not choose to change their behavior.?Their reasons may be because they just do not care about how they are perceived by others; they may be unwilling to listen to other’s feedback or maybe they are motivated by other things.?Whatever their reasons are, we cannot convince them otherwise. If you are like me and experience these situations, then there is good news. What can be changed, is how we adapt our approach and emotional framework?to those negative personality types.?This is a conscious and developed skillset which can be hard at first, however has allowed me and others to have better working relationship with a couple of personality types you may encounter 1) rude & condescending people and 2) know-it-alls

There are those people among us that may be rude or condescending in every aspect of their day.?No matter how sunny the day is for you, there will be a dark cloud hanging over their head that ultimately finds you.?They can make bad situations worse by offering their unnecessary negative opinions on matters or maybe they just complain about what you, others or the company is doing wrong.?Human nature is interesting though and most humans naturally will help those around them in times of need. This is ?the same for majority of rude or condescending individuals. When I encounter people like this, generally I will offer help or ask for help in a situation and after I have helped later tell them how their comments made me or someone else feel during that situation.?Help first, feedback second. Help first, feedback second. Even rude or condescending people generally care about their work, self-image or possibly people close to them.?Taking an extra step to connect and offer or ask for help will go a long way in building a rapport when maybe it never existed.?In order to build this rapport, it takes patience, confidence and adaptation on our part to address those opportunities when they arise. Emotionally, this can be counterintuitive.

When encountering a “know-it-all” personality type, it can be very frustrating at times.?Hearing individuals say things like, “Yeah, I have already done that” or “That will never work and here is why” or “I have been handling this for umpteen years and I can’t believe you think...” can all be very frustrating and intimidating at times for many teammates especially young professionals.?It is common to instinctively challenge or even run away from these types of people because you feel inferior.?As a manager or colleague, there will always be a place for challenging people appropriately but in order to build rapport with these types of people you have to invest more time listening and understanding to their point of view while also asking questions to gauge their opinion and knowledge on situations or general discussions.?Over time I have learned through trial and error that having this inquisitive approach with know-it-all personality types helped guide my conversations to a desired outcome or common ground.?Having humility and fully listening to their opinion in order to understand does not mean you agree with them but does mean you can understand their perspective.?This can be very frustrating when you know you are right about a decision, topic or situation and even have the facts right in front of you. As a manager or colleague, having humility isn’t about being right it is about building rapport so that eventually a know-it-all will listen and trust you. This takes patience and persistence. ?In the book “Never Split the Difference” by Chris Voss he highlights his experience as an international hostage negotiator and one of their primary rules as negotiators is the listen to understand first.?A negotiator will obviously not agree with a suspect's motives in a hostage negotiation but will do their best to understand the suspects point of view. In order for them to do that, the negotiator asks leading questions that ultimately leads them to their desired answer or outcome.??Working with know-it-all personalities can be no easy task as a colleague or manager, however, if you accept the fact that no matter what you say, they will have their own opinion then the best possible outcome to build rapport is listening, understanding and eventually guiding them to a common ground.

People are people with their own personalities, behaviors, and stories and for those few that are constantly negative we cannot change who they are and what they say and do. ?If we focus on tactfully coaching them and more importantly adapting our approach in these situations, we will likely build rapport, remain positive in our daily work and possibly improve their attitude. That is truly all that matters.