AN ADAPTABLE ATTITUDE What we need to teach our kids

Expectation: a decision to suffer if things don’t go exactly as we planned.

I’ll never forget a trip I took to St Petersburg in Russia in early 2017. On the way back, we got stuck on the runway for seven hours, waiting for the engines to thaw. It was -22°C outside.

The delay had some ‘interesting’ effects on my fellow passengers. One lady, a mother with four children, lost her temper. I’ll give her her due; she deserves an Olympic gold for making that trip on her own with four children. But she didn’t realise how embarrassed her kids were. Or what her antics were teaching them in the process.

I think everyone else was embarrassed for them too. Russia is a powerful nation, but there’s nothing it can do about its weather.

Most of us are like that rigid mom: stuck to our schedule and bound to suffer (anger, sadness, horror, you name it) when things don’t go according to plan. But that’s exactly the wrong kind of attitude to have in a future where life as we know it is changing. Surprises will become more and more common in our fast-evolving world – including unpredictable weather extremes, by the way – and those who are triggered the least by the unexpected will be more successful in the game of life.

A point of clarification

There’s a critical difference between being ready to adapt and ‘going with the flow’. The former, what we’re talking about in this SHOT, comes in the context of knowing your purpose and end goals, and is one of the keys to thriving today. The latter lacks long-term intention and may as well be ‘floating along with no direction’; a route to nowhere or anywhere and, despite its ‘chilled’ connotations, a generator of anxiety because it leaves everything to fate and deprives us of the opportunity to create our own future. Being adaptable doesn’t mean you’re so relaxed, you’re almost horizontal. It means that you are able to alter your course when needed, as you sail with purpose to your destination.

AUGMENTED ADAPTABILITY

By applying certain shifts in perspective in our life, it becomes easier for us to see patterns, adapt to a changing environment and avoid collapsing into an exhausted, exasperated mom of four every time we face an unexpected challenge. These shifts also help us discard the perspectives that are holding us back.

The first step is to replace being expectant with being acceptant. By its very nature, expectation is rooted in HINDsight and PLAINsight – but, as we know, the past and the present hold no guarantees for the future. Instead of expecting things to go exactly as planned, accept that they won’t; by doing so, you’ll be able to approach every moment with less anxiety. Nothing can go ‘wrong’ when you’re not expecting a single fixed set of outcomes.

Next, we need to revisit our definition of gratitude and allow ourselves to be fascinated by life. When something fascinates us, we are automatically grateful, which is far more meaningful than just saying ‘thank you’ and settling for a life that doesn’t excite or inspire. When we are ready to adapt, we come to see uncertainty as fascinating, rather than frightening. As Joe Dispenza says, ‘the unknown has never let me down’.2

One consequence of choosing to be fascinated is that we become absolutely obsessed, rather than merely interested or even passionate. Passion is important but it has become standard; we need to live a new normal where we find a healthy source of obsession, and let it drive our every decision.

To ensure we don’t create unhealthy obsessions, though, we need to understand why we’re pursuing a goal. Acting out of fear and desperation will drive us to dangerous places, but if we run towards something because we love it, we will be fuelled by perpetual inspiration.

My friend Steve Uria offers a perfect example. Two decades ago he became obsessed with changing the fitness space from his base in New York, and he’s been doing exactly that ever since. He’s now a renowned physical trainer working on a global scale. Building his empire is his way of life; training like a machine is his normal. (He’s literally running towards something he loves.) I am inspired by his drive because, just like him, I am also absolutely obsessed with what I do.

Making these shifts isn’t something we actively learn to do. As outlined earlier, preparing our perspectives is about unlearning – in this case, unlearning what we know about expectation and gratitude. It’s not easy to prepare for the impossible, but in the new world it is essential. And it applies particularly to our children. We’re making a tomorrow for today’s children, and we need them to be adaptable enough to revel in it.

Once, Intelligence Quotient was the full measure of an individual; a child’s IQ was all-important. Then we came to understand the importance of Emotional Quotient; we had to encourage EQ too. Today, the third piece of the pie is Adaptability Quotient; work on that AQ.3 The Boy Scout motto ‘Be Prepared’ has taken on new meaning.

THE OBSESSION AND GRIT OF TOMORROW’S LEADERS

Not too long ago, it was common for children as young as six to be sent off to traditional boarding schools to study an established set of subjects. It was the plan. (See SHOT 4.) Happily, that doesn’t happen as much any more.

Like so many industries, education is undergoing transformative disruption. We’ve touched on the crisis at universities, but the revolution extends from the earliest preschool classes to the highest echelons of tertiary education. Of course, the curriculum is changing: kids now learn how to code instead of conjugating Latin verbs, and get taught geography with VR and do homework on iPads, and changing cultural norms mean corporal punishment has been replaced by compulsory meditation. But the critical shift will be the one away from teaching a set of processes towards building a framework for flexibility.

I’m not a parent yet (although I’ve been honoured to be a dog dad), but I can imagine how terrified I’d be by the prospect of my kids’ future in a hotter world run by robots. To make sure our children thrive, we need to equip them with a future-proof way of doing things – and it won’t hurt the grown-ups to embrace these, either.

First, we have to allow and encourage children to follow their passion.

AI is quickly taking over the logistics-, language- and process-driven functions that our traditional left-brain education system prepared us for, so the next generation must focus on what makes them excited. They’ll have to: they are the ones who will have the means, the time and the tools to overcome challenges we can’t even comprehend right now.

Passion (obsessions!) and curiosity are playmates, and being curious is a skill all children have in abundance. It’s what makes them draw on walls and put their fingers in plug points. Unfortunately, that curiosity is systematically dulled while they learn the same lessons their grandparents did. Keep your kids curious about the world beyond textbooks, and help them master the art of asking questions. (All those questions might drive you nuts. My advice: adapt!)

Second, we must give them the gift of grit and resilience.

Moving from today to the future we’re writing won’t be easy. Unless you’ve been raised to embrace ideas with an elastic mind – and even if you have – you’re going to face obstacles and doubt. There’s no easy way for any of us to instantly become enlightened. That’s why it’s important to give children the gift of grit and resilience, to make sure they’re relentless in the pursuit of their passion. They must be able to push on when success seems far off and get back up when they fall down. Even in this viral age, overnight success is a rarity – a point that struck home for me when I worked out that it took me close to a decade to build critical momentum in my current career.

The bottom line

Famous American author and philosopher Ralph Waldo Emerson is credited with a quote I love, one that’s been recycled by politicians and punk rockers alike: ‘Your actions speak so loudly, I cannot hear a word you are saying.’ It’s an observation that could have negative or positive connotations; either way, it remains incredibly relevant. Which is to say, the best way to teach your children has always been to inspire and lead by example – and never has that rule applied more than today, when you need to be a role model for the reality your kids will face. You can’t expect them to be passionate, flexible, curious and resilient if you’re trapped in a life of memories and missed opportunity. As conscious parenting expert Shefali Tsabary explains it, parents need to evolve so their children can be liberated.4 You have to increase your AQ and start adapting today – cultivating your own passion and curiosity and altering your perspective – so that they can thrive tomorrow. If your children inherit adaptability, they will be free to be individuals rather than factory robots on autopilot.