Actively seek out heartbreak - you'll be stronger, more beautiful and more valuable in the end (besides, you can't avoid it anyway)

For all of us who have had our hearts broken: We should rejoice because of them. Why?

Heartbreak is unpreventable; the natural outcome of caring for people and things over which we have no control, of holding in our affections those who inevitably move beyond our line of sight.

Heartbreak begins the moment we are asked to let go but cannot, in other words, it colors and inhabits and magnifies each and every day; heartbreak is not a visitation, but a path that human beings follow through even the most average life. Heartbreak is an indication of our sincerity: in a love relationship, in a life's work, in trying to learn a musical instrument, in the attempt to shape a better more generous self. Heartbreak is the beautifully helpless side of love and affection and is just as much an essence and emblem of care as the spiritual athlete's quick but abstract ability to let go. Heartbreak has its own way of inhabiting time and its own beautiful and trying patience in coming and going.

These profound words come from David Whyte's book, "Consolations." His reflections elegantly remind us that we don't really have a choice in the matter - it's unpreventable so why try and fight or stop it. More importantly are the philosophies that heartbreak is natural and a testament of our sincerity. It also is not a weakness, but an emblem of care - a badge of honor to be worn proudly.

Perhaps most importantly, however, is the possibility that we can see heartbreak as the ultimate opportunity to develop post-traumatic growth order (PTGO): achieving growth and personal lives not possible by any other (non-traumatic) means. If we were to live quiet, unexpanded and safe lives we'd never encounter the reasons to break out of our past and past molds; in essence, dying at the same level of evolution as we were born.

Thankfully, when heartbreaks occur we can see them as the means to achieve stronger, more beautiful and more valuable lives.

What might this look like in reality?

The ancient practice of Kintsugi: more relevant in today's 'throw-away' mentality

It seems that people's feelings are abused now more than ever because we've allowed the 'fast-food' and 'use it once and throw it away' mentalities to bleed from material things to our personal lives. If we harm someone's heart by verbal or physical abuse, we either move on or expect them to pretend the hurt never happened. Either of these approaches prevent the profound growth and possible PTGO from occurring. In materialistic terms, if something breaks we throw it away instead of looking at ways to repair it. It's so much cheaper and easier to simply 'buy anew' than to fix the broken item?

Up until modern times this 'throw away' mentality didn't exist. Broken items were repaired, rejigged and retooled as many times as possible. Instead of mechanically and mindlessly performing repairs on material items, many cultures saw the parallel between the practice and how it might relate more profoundly in life.

An example of this is the Japanese philosophy of kintsugi, and the related mindset of wabi-sabi: embracing the flawed or imperfect. Moreover, the value of an object can be judged by the amount of wear observed. Kintsugi as a practice doesn't just hide defects, it actively seeks out imperfections, highlighting them, and repairing them in elaborate and value-adding ways; beyond simply extending the life of an object, the renewed object is more valuable than the original.

Not only is there no attempt to hide the damage, but the repair is literally illuminated... a kind of physical expression of the spirit of mushin.... Mushin is often literally translated as “no mind,” but carries connotations of fully existing within the moment, of non-attachment, of equanimity amid changing conditions. ...The vicissitudes of existence over time, to which all humans are susceptible, could not be clearer than in the breaks, the knocks, and the shattering to which ceramic ware too is subject. This poignancy or aesthetic of existence has been known in Japan as mono no aware, a compassionate sensitivity, or perhaps identi?cation with, [things] outside oneself.

Flickwerk: The Aesthetics of Mended Japanese Ceramics by Christy Bartlett

Thus, instead of trying to avoid heartbreak, from trying to minimize it if it's happened, or to throw the broken pieces away and start with a new and perfect item, we should seek out the broken parts of our life and then repair them with stronger and more beautiful materials. We should also highlight them as much as possible and proudly display them for everyone to see, admire and repeat in their own lives.

Please feel free to share if you or anyone else you know has every been blessed with a broken heart.

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Amongst other things, Dr. Gary Redfeather (Keil) was a Founding member and Director of the?Growth Leaders Network, LLC,?a community of leaders dedicated to growing themselves, evolving together, and creating a Growth Culture in their organizations and world - transforming the challenges of our time into opportunities for our evolution.?His professional tenure before the GLN focused on how the brain and nervous system, literally, rewire themselves (a process known as neuroplasticity) during the establishment of chronic pain conditions, and how medical and non-medical interventions must be used concurrently to bring a person's life back from the crushing effects of unrelenting pain.?His life as an ultramarathoner and ardent triathlete show how a normal person (which he considers himself to be) can harness the various energy sources that surround us to achieve greatness, especially following trauma and tragedy.?Something as true for individuals as it is for businesses and societies. He is now an Executive Coach for ExecOnline and helps facilitate multiple leader-development programs in the U.K and U.S. He can be reached at [email protected]. Interested in his surname change? See https://bit.ly/redfeathersurname for details.