Active Listening - Over the Top
Lynette Landing
Exec/Mgmt Coaching ?? Dedicated to helping you reach the highest version of yourself through coaching self-awareness and emotional intelligence as well as providing relevant leadership competencies.
"You're not LISTENING!" my son growled in disgust. This was years ago but I remember the sting. More so, the confusion. Me? Not listening? That's ridiculous. I’d created college and corporate curriculum on the subject and could spew more scientific facts about listening than the average person. Facts like, listening and hearing aren't the same; hearing is a sensory perception; listening is learned behavior. And humans listen at 550 wpm while they speak at 240 wpm leaving a gap for our minds to drift. Mostly I maintained eye contact, nodded, interjected… and all other active listening gestures. So how could he think I wasn't listening?
"I swear to God, I listened to every word!" My plea hung in the empty space where my son no longer stood as memories of my past came back. My passion for studying listening skills stemmed from feeling unheard by my own mother who zoned out religiously. It was frustrating and I vowed to be a much better listener than she. But here I was...
What was I missing?
The answers to questions that weigh heaviest on me often come through in dreams - my way of trying to work out problems even in my sleep. I clearly remember this one. In the dream, we sat together as my son expressed something pressing. And just as I'd done earlier that day, I related to his story by telling him one of my own to prove I was truly listening and understood him. At that moment, his spirit left his body and hovered between us. "You might be listening, but by telling your own story, he feels it's no longer about him and more about you; therein lies your problem."
Whoa! I awoke with a jolt. It was still the middle of the night, but I knew this was too important to forget so I wrote it down and conveyed it to him, along with an apology, the next day.
It is always humbling when the teacher becomes the student. I learned it isn't what we say to others that matters, it’s how it makes them feel. I now make a conscious effort to keep my stories to myself, no matter how compelling I think they are, unless the other person asks to hear them. Active listening doesn't have to be over the top. And when I slip up, I remind myself that God gave us the perfect metaphor where listening is concerned - two ears and one mouth means listen twice as much as you speak!
How would those who know you best rate your ability to listen? How can you improve?
Lynette Landing | HumanizingTheWorkforce.com