Active Listening & Loyalty to Yourself

Hello and Welcome!

This is the inaugural article in a series called Two Alexandrias: Career Mentoring in Practice by Aya Ghazy Shabana and myself. Aya is a DevOps Engineer with IBM Consulting and lives in Alexandria, Egypt; and I am a Senior Solutions Architect with IBM Client Engineering and live in Alexandria, Virginia in the United States. What started as a discussion on Jenkins and OpenShift turned into a weekly co-mentoring relationship in career navigation we have maintained since November, 2022. This blog series was Aya’s idea: she would like to make visible the impact that mentoring has had on her and share the knowledge and confidence she has gained. We had each tried blogging on our own a few times, and we found it much more fun to write an article together. In this way, Aya mentors me and helps me grow as a person and professional.

Today’s topic is about Active Listening and Loyalty to Yourself, wherein Aya and I posit that our effectiveness in customer and mentoring relationships is as good as our relationship with ourselves, which in turn is impacted by how well we listen to ourselves. We invite you to make this song your own.

There are some additional mentoring topics we would like to cover, such as Why Change and Flow are about Size, not Speed; and how to shift from Judgement to Curiosity. You may find these covered in a future article.

I would like to give a shout-out to my co-mentor, Lysa Banks. We have been working together since 2020. I call her my "co-mentor" because we take turns. We don’t keep a running tally or worry about imbalance. It just flows. Lysa is an amazing listener, and she inspires me to do my best work. It’s the value of our co-mentoring that helps me remember we all have something to give, that listening is a gift, and that listening to your inner voice is a Really Big Gift.

Note: the thoughts and opinions expressed in this article belong to the authors and are not reflective of our employer. This is a personal project of Aya Ghazy Shabana and Pete Nuwayser and the content is released under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License (CC BY-NC-ND 4.0).

Pete’s Part

Fair-weather Fandom

One of my favorite stories about loyalty comes from my hero, Bill Janovitz of Buffalo Tom. I have been a loyal Buffalo Tom fan since seeing them open for Bettie Serveert over thirty years ago. Their set started, they ripped into “Larry” with abandon, and that was it—I was in love.

Somebody asked Bill why, as a New Yorker, he was loyal to the Boston Red Sox. His father told him he had to be loyal to something, and after moving to Massachusetts, he chose the Red Sox.

It stuck with me for a long time. I was born about a mile from Fenway Park, and I spent many Saturdays during my childhood watching baseball games on TV with my mom… but I never really understood people that pledged their loyalty to such a losing team year after year. I became a fair-weather fan because I hated losing and the constant disappointment that goes with it. When they lost to the Mets in 1986 I was a freshman in college in upstate New York, and I never heard the end of it from my hallmates. This just made my attitude about loyalty worse. Why bother hanging around with a bunch of losers?

Then, after losing the first three games in the American League Pennant race to the Yankees in 2004, they won four games in a row. Suddenly, it was cool to be a Red Sox fan, and I wanted to show a little hometown pride. I even quipped that they would win the World Series in four straight… which they did. I was too nervous and full of myself to watch any of the games: I would ruin it if I did. By the end of Game Four I couldn’t help it anymore and turned on the TV. That final pitch, and the ensuing celebration. I played it over and over again, experiencing the redemption and joy like a little kid, with head-to-toe goosebumps. My heart swelled about four sizes that night. The 86-year-old Curse had been reversed.

How did they do it, though? Did they just decide to win, just as Bill Janovitz simply decided to be loyal to them? I didn’t understand how people could do that. Sure, it was easier to like them when they won, but I felt like I was missing something basic.

It turned out that I didn’t want to understand loyalty. There are many situational and dispositional reasons for this, but the short of it is that I feel feelings throughout my body. It’s ASMR turned up to 11. When I’m feeling happy or elated, it’s head-to-toe goosebumps and physical jumping for joy. If I’m anxious it’s a tightening solar plexus, and if I’m really upset, my throat starts to close. Disappointment felt particularly horrible. My relationship with disappointment needed to improve, such that I spelled it with all lowercase letters instead of in all caps. That applied to feeling disappointed by others, but also, in myself.

“If I am not for myself, who will be for me?”

What happens when we make ourselves an object of our loyalties? What happens when we don’t? What does “Be Loyal To Yourself” mean? Is there such a thing as balance or imbalance here?

At Deloitte, as my coach was helping me prepare for promotion to Senior Manager, he told me, “you get to be a little bit selfish.” There needs to be that time when you use “I” to describe your accomplishments instead of “we.” In our coaching groups they hit us over the head more directly and repeatedly: “Don’t use ‘We.’”

At IBM, as I prepared use cases for my IT Certification, my mentor gave similar advice. “We want to hear what you did. Why did the client call you, why did the sales team ask for your help, what teams did you lead, what was your proud ‘intellectual property moment,’ and what impact did you have?” This can be as simple as switching some articles and refocusing the sentences in the script. Having coached a few people on career navigation, there’s clearly this need not to look loyal to yourself, because the appearance of selfishness carries negative connotations. Other people just don’t like talking about themselves, or they don’t know how. I was a member of all of these groups.

My current team has a culture of Going To Where The Client Is; of Actively Listening to their business goals and challenges; of Genuine Curiosity about the wind in their sails and internal impediments. We play back what we hear, in the moment and in small increments. Our clients literally see us listening because we’re taking notes right in front of them.

Actively Listening and Being Loyal to Yourself

These principles are applicable to many other roles, of course. As Aya’s mentor, it’s my job to meet her where she is, actively listen to her and play it back to her enough times until she starts hearing herself better. This takes a commitment to yourself and your own growth. Perhaps it’s easier to make such a commitment if it’s also to help someone else; that’s definitely true of me most of the time.

The thing is, when you listen, you have to hear what they’re saying in order to play it back to them. Also, whatever you play back to them is going to be yours, too, because it’s coming out of your mouth (unless you’re one of those people who can recite word-for-word what someone says to them). You mentor yourself as much as they mentor you right back.

If you want to be a successful mentor, consultant or trusted advisor, skill in active listening is mandatory. How can you do it well for others if you aren’t doing it at all for yourself? How do you meet yourself where you are? The extent to which you can actively listen to yourself, notice where you are in the moment, be genuinely curious about yourself, and acknowledge that, in your life, you hear everything that comes out of your mouth… all of this can help make your relationships successful.

We hear some variation of the Ethics of Reciprocity or “The Golden Rule” all the time. “Do Unto Others as you would have others Do Unto You.” What if we said, “Do Unto Others as you would Do Unto Yourself?” What if we showed ourselves the mutuality and respect we wanted from others? Wouldn’t that open the door to our hearts a little wider in both directions?

That’s what I mean by being loyal to yourself. “You get to be a little bit selfish,” sure, and you get to make your focus, flow, and joy a priority. You get to have professional pride. You get to say, “yeah, I did that.” We all have superpowers: owning them has a boldness to it, and there are healthy ways to do that while also collaborating and working as a team.

Getting Started

You are a big house; here are a few doors:

• Writing the words, “Be Loyal To Myself” in your journal. Four words, that’s it.
• Giving yourself permission from within, not from outside, to be a little more comfortable with who you are today.
• Redefining what “Strengths” are and shifting that definition to make the term more accessible, more You. Strengths are the activities that feel so energizing—regardless of how “good” you are at them—that you would do them all day, every day, at the expense of getting anything else done if you could.
• Noticing when you do something well. You don’t have to give yourself an award. Just Notice. Also, notice when you are judging yourself too harshly.
• Being curious about yourself. How do you know you did something well? Did you tell yourself? Did someone else tell you? And when you do, what does it feel like, and where do you feel it in your body? Be sure to blend in external feedback with your own observations, because both are relevant.
• Experimenting with different ways of articulating your impact. How do you bring relief to project teams? How do you know when your work is energizing?

Are you listening to yourself? If not, Just Notice without trying to fix anything. Notice enough times, and your choices will become clearer. Whichever door you walk through first, keep it simple.

Aya’s Part

Loyalty to Self: A Journey of Discovery

Let me tell you the story coming all the way from the other side of the world, from the other Alexandria, right in Egypt.

"Be Loyal to yourself, Aya! Trust your creative self, it’s what got you this far," Pete's words echoed within me like a gentle breeze, touching the corners of my soul. It was a moment that ignited a profound awakening, a journey to discover the depth of my own loyalty, an allegiance to the essence of who I am.

To be loyal to oneself is to embark on an expedition of self-discovery, an expedition fueled by the curiosity to embrace every nuance of existence. It’s been a journey that began with the simple intention of knowing who I am. How could I be loyal to a stranger within? Unraveling my essence, embracing my feelings, needs, desires, and above all, my own story. No longer confined to being the hero or the victim of my own narrative, but as an unfiltered, authentic, unapologetic me.

Breaking Free from Labels and Guilt

From a past shrouded in uncertainty, I used to question whether I wore the label of a “good” or a “bad” person. The word “I” felt alien on my lips, even after accomplishing feats worthy of celebration. Years trapped in the chains of guilt. Being loyal to myself doesn't mean defining myself as a good person, it's rather about making good choices that suit my true-self so I can grant her the space she deserves, a realm where she blooms at her own pace, guided by her own compass; enough space to express not to impress. So, when my essence speaks, it's my duty to actively listen – not just with ears, but with the openness of heart. Just noticing – the feelings, the state, the whispers of my soul, without the weight of judgment.

In my journey to be loyal, life unveiled a hidden script – events conspired for my growth, not my defeat, life happens FOR me not TO me. There's a special unique path for each of us on this planet, it’s a voyage to uncover the melody unique to ourselves.

Loyalty isn't merely self-directed; it extends to the path we tread. The events, both delicate and harsh, whisper lessons tailored to our evolution. Even pain, we don’t need to avoid or escape from, it’s a wise messenger, that comes to deliver us a message that has a special hint about our true-self, and when we get the message, pain will leave us. As Imagine Dragons sang, "Seeing the beauty through the... Pain!"

Harmony of Loyalties: Self and Path Converge

So, as we stand at the crossroads of loyalty—loyalty to self, loyalty to our path—let us remember that the road winds through valleys of self-awareness and summits of acceptance. The loyalty we offer ourselves and our journey is the compass that guides us toward the symphony of our existence, a melody composed not by fate, but by the choices we make.

Staying loyal and true to myself had a special impact on all corners of my life. Talking about career guidance, when I decided to be loyal to who I am, something interesting happened. I started breaking down barriers between my true self and how I saw myself. They became friends. This made me actually enjoy working in a way that felt right for me – at my own speed, nurturing my curiosity all along. This approach changed me. Now, I work to express my ideas and improve the skills I want, not to impress or to seek validation from others. Each stroke of effort became an elevation, a gradual raising of the bar seasoned with the spice of challenge with myself.

Shifting from Fear to Fascination

Let me whisk you back to the early days of my career, right after I tossed my graduation cap into the air.

Imagine a mix of excitement and nerves bubbling inside me, like a fizzy potion about to explode. Back then, I used to be a chronic workaholic, brewing away in my room for hours and hours. Sleep was this elusive creature, and weekends? Well, they vanished like secret doorways.

But guess what? My marathon work sessions weren't fueled by love for the grind. Nope, it was fear sneaking in, whispering, "Hey, you're not good enough." Talk about a mind game I didn't even realize I was playing.

Then, one day, I pumped the brakes on the chaos. I needed a breather, a chill pill for my stress. But where's the instruction manual for that, right? And that's when a little voice in my head asked, "Hey, remember when you were 14? Life felt like a treasure hunt, didn't it?"

So, I flipped open my mental scrapbook and there it was: the "Curiosity Chronicles" page. At 14, I was this info sponge, soaking up the universe's mysteries. It wasn't just textbooks; I was hungry for life's secrets. And then, an echo from the past – my science teacher's advice from that Science Fair frenzy: "Different mentors for different skills."

Little did I know, that wisdom would be my secret weapon. Time became my mentor, and I learned the mentorship magic, everyone is unique just like everyone else and mentorship is about learning from others' uniqueness. It wasn't just about gaining smarts; it was about embracing others' flavors. Imagine nabbing the best bits of someone else's adventure. Like getting a bonus level in your own game. Like adding one more life to your life.

Steering with Joy: Crafting a Career Symphony

Now, I won't brag that I've got a crystal ball for my career. But I'm not lost anymore. Less like a passenger and more like the person steering the boat going with focus, flow and joy, trusting and enjoying the process and myself. The journey's twisty, but it's like a roller coaster – I'm screaming in delight. I've learned to be loyal to myself to feed my soul with the good stuff that energizes me, and I've found out curiosity's no ordinary cat – it's a cool cat that sparks deep connections and lights up the dark.

And talking about mentorship, let me spill about Pete, the mindful mentor in my tale. Our first chat felt like a roller coaster of nerves. "I'm lost." I blurted out, like a clueless explorer in a maze. It took time and much effort to navigate together till we got to such a point where Pete and I co-mentor each other and going with the flow as Pete, dropped some truth earlier: "Sometimes you can hear yourself better if you put the oars away, lay back in the boat, and let the current take you somewhere."

Thanks for reading!

What did you think? Did you identify with the stories and topics? Have you thought about these questions before? Is there a topic you’d like us to explore? Leave a comment!

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