Actions and the space behind them.

Yesterday in my work with GD (my teacher, mentor, partner and as he would rather put it Mighty Companion) something about actions and the space that they come from came up. This is generally something that is a little difficult to put into words as it involves a description of the space you are in. It might be better understood if I share the conditions and the situation I was in, so this post might be a little long.?

The last week has been a really interesting one.?There were a lot of “firsts” for me. I am shy of any form of public visibility, but that seems to have started to change. Over the last week:

I joined a group of unknown people, attended a group coaching session and let myself be seen.

I willfully got into a video call with another person to share my thoughts.

I finalized working with a professional on my personal brand.

I started to put out my thoughts and feelings in these posts.?

I wouldn’t say that these were effortless actions, they took effort and they still didn’t feel natural. I feel they were a culmination of a series of clearing and internal work that happened with GD over the last 12 years.

This post is about what transpired in my interactions with GD yesterday, what were the actions, and how the space they come from influenced things.

For those who don’t know GD, (Check out www.sessionswithgd.com ) he is an extremely energy sensitive person who. He has over decades trained himself to perfectly identify the energy he picks up, who he’s picking them from and use that to heal the person. More often than not, people working with him don’t even know what they are feeling until they meet him. His presence is like a spotlight that automatically focuses on the hidden aspects of you, and emotions surface.

This is a little difficult to accept especially when things that we don’t want seen could be exposed. So sometimes things get projected onto him and we believe that the mirror is faulty and is showing an image that doesn’t correctly represent us.?

In my previous meeting with GD, a couple of days ago, we had spoken about these new things that I was doing, and this is what the work led to:

1. He reaffirmed my direction by saying that he thinks things are going in the right direction and there is no need for any judgement of these actions.?
2. When GD mentioned that the first post felt like I was wanting to be a teacher, I froze. I had not seen it like that, and now that he mentioned it and I replayed the post and the emotions I was having while writing, it felt true. I had always told him that I don’t want to be a teacher and that it’s too much of a pain. So there was the conflict between the conscious and subconsious desires that wasn’t seen. More work is definitely needed here.
3. He cautioned me that the ego might try projecting this internal conflict onto him. Thinking/feeling or in any way believing that he doesn’t want me to do this.?
4. ?I felt that there was guilt that I got too carried away, excited and lost the neutrality and peace that should have been my first priority.?
5. We concluded that the “What is it for?” (The most important question GD has taught us to consider before taking up any endeavour) was still not clear.?He also said that often it takes time and natural movement into the experiences for it to clear fully.?
6. He mentioned more than once that it’s all part of the curriculum (That’s what he calls the opportunities for forgiveness and growth that accompany any challenge.)?

Yesterday on meeting GD I updated him on a few things that I realized I had missed telling him for various supposedly justifiable (Forgetting or not getting an opportunity to is almost always a subconscious means to cover up fear and judgement) reasons.

Knowing a few things that happened yesterday will help.

1. At multiple times GD tried to bring my attention to some internal conflict with respect to these actions. (Multiple times, means the system was not listening)
2. As I was updating him, he asked me “What are you feeling at this moment?” and I couldn’t get an answer. That did send off some sirens about me being too closed, but I ignored them.
3. He again reminded me that he thinks it’s all happening perfectly, and I said “I know, I remember and am thankful for that.” (Later we identified this as a programmed response, without taking in, understanding and believing what he said.)
4. We went to a nursery and were choosing plants, and as time passed and action after action there was a tightening and closing up that I could sense and a desperation to break it unsuccessfully.
5. Then back in the car with an uncomfortable silence, GD suggested we talk to Pinaki (my wife) and he was doing some work for her on anger, and as he did that energy work I could feel the anger within me swelling into a rage…. He stopped and said, “Let us get Amit also into this… what are you feeling angry for” and SNAP I burst…?
6. I shared my anger with GD about silly things that happened in the nursery etc, not being able to express myself truthfully to him about some plant stuff etc. (All the anger was backed with perfect facts and irrefutable justifications.) Even while saying these things I had a sense that this is all BS and this is about something else.
7. He just said one thing that took a while to sink in. “Whenever You withhold what you want to express you have already judged your brother for being something, because of which what you wanted to say can’t be said.”
8. Then something just clicked inside and opened. I realized that I was restless and felt incomplete, about something to do with my new regimen. Not being able to figure that out, (And frustrated that GD wasn’t getting me out of the conundrum) I was angry and projected that onto the easiest justifiable excuse I got.

Now almost all the stuff that I was choosing and doing, as a part of this new regimen, I was doing with a lot of awareness and was?repeatedly checking inside for guidance. So I believed that there could be no conflict in that.?

After the realization of guilt of getting carried away after the first discussion with GD, I was also aware of that and had a pretty balanced day with many deep spaces of meditation in between activities.?

I wasn’t hiding anything. I had shared everything with GD and he'd explicitly said that he thought that it was going in the right direction.?

Yet when I shared updates with him there was unease, tightness and fear. So all the actions were Correct, right down to me sharing it all with GD. Now lets evaluate the space.?

Let’s start with what we identified with respect to the new activities that I had started.

In spite of having taken guidance every step of the way, and in spite of believing that life was taking me in that direction.?

1. There was still some conflict between the expansion happening and my past conditioning about it... if it was worth the effort.
2. There was doubt and discomfort about whether this would lead me astray of my path.
3. There were unseen and uncleared emotions around wanting to prove that I could do it, which was creating a push and a urgency towards actions.
4. There was even a sense of let's do it and be done with it.
5. A part of me also felt that this was a betrayal of my own core fundamentals, that as long as you keep doing your inner work, you’ll be guided, taken care of and provided for. It was like I don’t believe in what I teach, and I am being a fraud.
6. A part of me felt silly doing these programs etc and that it was like a regression. Moving from an easy, open and guided life to a disciplined structured and habit-oriented life to achieve a material outcome that won’t give any lasting peace.
7. The judgements against everyone in the past about showing off, blowing their own trumpets and boasting, all came back to bite me. They were making me feel like I was being a sell out and being like “them”. (Lot’s of forgiveness is still needed there I guess.)
8. The basics were forgotten - this is all for my internal growth, not for showing up for the world, or proving that I could do it, or for fame or all the other reasons I had assigned.
9. It is for finding more opportunities for forgiveness (like the one we found above) and using them to bring more peace into life. That has been my essence and my primary goal for a very long time and it was getting a bit obscure with all the excitement and action.?

So while the actions were guided, and factually nothing was wrong with them, there was still an unseen,?internal conflict in terms of whether I really wanted to do it, that was causing discomfort, doubt and restlessness. There was a sense of sadness for losing direction and I was looking at repeated reaffirmations from GD that I am doing the right thing.

This is the space, or what you are really feeling when you are going through with your actions. Most of us are completely unaware of this as it is too close for us to see, and our self-awareness is not honed enough.

Though it’s always the space, while doing the actions that’s the primary reward, even outcomes are more favorable, and need less effort if we are integrated and joined with what we are doing.

Now let’s looks at the space in which I was sharing with GD:

All the conflicts that I had within myself with respect to these activities were getting projected into him:

1. He will think I am digressing.?
2. He may not think I can do this.?
3. He will say that you have not done your work and identified “What is it for?”.?
4. He will remind me that you did not do the work on the conflict about being a teacher.?
5. I have to share all this or else I will feel guilty.?
6. I have to share all this or else I will not know when I got astray.?
7. I want him to guide me, but I don’t want him to stop me from doing any of this.?
8. He will want perfection in everything I do, including the writing and I don’t want to put in that much effort.

There was a caution, a closing up, a sense of protecting myself?from him that wasn’t letting me feel the peace and joy that is instantly felt when I am in his presence. With so much background chatter, the actual sharing was becoming virtually inaudible to him, but he patiently heard and waited and guided me to finding these understandings on my own. Later while discussing he said, “If things are brought to light before time and before the person is open and willing there can be an explosion that can destroy relationships. So patiently waiting and not leaving the person in the state are crucial for a holy relationship.”

Next came a sadness and a feeling of failure, but we saw it and it quickly passed as I knew that it’s just going to keep me out of the space even further..?

I had already worked on a lot of the things we identified, in the past, but maybe a small percentage of these feelings were still lurking. Now this may feel like a failure, but there are 2 things at play here:

1. As you grow and get more aware of what’s happening within, even the small upsets in life become unacceptable and there is a desire to clear them.?
2. It’s difficult to judge without getting in the circumstance whether your work about an issue is done. When life puts you in the situation it’s a lovely opportunity because a hidden time bomb has been found and can be defused.?

The feeling quickly shifted into an immense sense of gratitude for having a mirror like him in my life and for the wonderful life full of opportunities that bring deeper and deeper peace. A space where unrestricted sharing and joining was possible.?

He left me with this beautiful pointer. “The feeling of joining and peace with the persons and the situations is the only sign you can look for about the space you are in. That is the space we are all yearning for as that brings us the feeling of being home. Actions are immaterial, outcomes are immaterial, it’s only the space that matters.”

While writing this post I also got more clarity on the critical question of What it is for??The expansion brings in more opportunities to look within the hidden aspects of me that couldn't otherwise have been identified. Though at times I may seem to come off as a superior, righteous SoB in what i say and write, my true essence is of student who’s sharing his journey, his thoughts and opinions as he learns himself.

Some time back GD had shared the Raj recordings, and I longed to have that voice in the head which would talk to me help me grow and which I could share with others. Today I realize I have always had the voice in the form of GD :-).