Action Bias or Mental Load? ??????

I was told, the other day, that I need to live in the moment more.. that being busy and rushed is being noticed, that I was snapping at my kids to hurry up.. I began to wonder..

I already know I have action bias, a tendency to favour action over inaction, I often feel compelled to act, even if there's no evidence that it will lead to a better outcome than doing nothing would.. "What does it matter if this job isn't done?", I often hear from other people. To me, though it seems important.. is this because of my bias, or perhaps because I have a high mental load? A seemingly endless list of jobs that impact on each other.. if job A isn't done, it means job B can't be, in my mind. I'm effective, sh*t gets done, and I'm often relied upon to push things forward, but at what cost?

I want to share (overshare?) a snapshot of my thoughts during a typical day, not for sympathy, or advice, just in solidarity with other working parents who feel guilty when they hear this remark too, because I’m sure I’m not alone.

My life is fairly normal, not special, I have three children under 9, a family-sized house and a full-time, relatively high-level job. My partner is present and hands-on (I’m not sharing their gender, I don’t think it matters, and I don’t want gender roles to be the focus of my story).

So, here you are.. inside my head on a typical day -

(I haven't included work topics in here, I'm absolutely present during that time period and relish the different type of mental challenge it brings, but I'm sure we can all agree that it adds another series of waterfall-thoughts).

"I must call my mum, she lives in Australia and we only have a certain window of time to speak - (I'll do it tomorrow, guilt enters the room). My first meeting is at 8:30, have I prepped enough? I MUST remember to write X on my to-do list (whilst brushing hair/teeth/finding shoes).. Who is walking the dog later, we both have meetings for most of the day.. Ooo, I need to get the meat out of the freezer for dinner later, otherwise I can't cook it, etc. etc. you see how it goes..

If it's a weekend we can add: ahhh, time to chill! First, though I’ll finish the washing, fold it and put away, and THEN I'll chill. Actually, while the washing is on I’ll empty and reload the dishwasher. I need to get it done before my neighbour drops in at 11.. No, actually, first I’ll get the kids dressed and fed with my partner. Ah, homework! Ok, we’ll do that later.. oh that reminds me, I need to organise the tutor for this week for my eldest.. which day is best? .. ah, it’s school holidays in two weeks, I must book the children into holiday club and book a vacation day or two for me to spend some quality time with them.

My mind wanders to what else needs to be done in readiness for school on Monday.. The kids have skiing tomorrow - I need to sew a patch on the middle child’s trousers today so they're ready, he ripped them yesterday.. I also remember I need to make a cake or something for the school cake stall this Thursday - must add the ingredients to the shopping list. Sh*t, the shopping needs to be done on Monday this week, not Tuesday because I have that thing to do.. what have we got in the freezer? I need to plan the meals and list by Monday evening.

My partner is helping with the kids or doing various jobs like mowing the lawn, fixing something, etc. my thoughts are constantly being interrupted by children asking for snacks, help, breaking up arguments".

This really is a typical day, thoughts above are replaced with others, an endless flow of little jobs that add up to a big to-do list, all with interlocking deadlines. It's important to add that my partner has their own mental load, but do I know what it is? Not really..

Does that resonate? Mental loads are not visible, perhaps if they were we would all be kinder on ourselves.. the external being perceived so differently from the internal reality - do I really come across as hurrying, pushing, or can my family see that it's actually all for them?

Perhaps we should make sharing our mental loads the norm, or perhaps I do need to live in the moment more, forget the shopping list, don't worry about clean washing or the dog - perhaps I just need to let chaos reign!