The Act of Betrayal -Part 8: The Ultimate Betrayal

The Act of Betrayal -Part 8: The Ultimate Betrayal

“An entire sea of water can’t sink a ship unless it gets inside the ship. Similarly, the negativity of the world can’t put you down unless you allow it to get inside you.”

— Goi Nasu

Considered the ultimate betrayal, is self-betrayal.

What is self betrayal? It is the self-sabotage we all do in some, if not all areas of our life, whether it’s relationships or money.” It is caused by a deep wound or distorted view which comes to dominate our lives or a pattern of behaviour which once was a means of survival but now its effectiveness is no longer valid, but we continue the pattern because it is familiar, comfortable and keeps our identity intact. We don’t have self-compassion or self-forgiveness. We don’t treat ourselves with patience and understanding.”

If betrayal damages relationships with others, self-betrayal damages us while hindering our life’s progress. A deeper reflection of this matter highlights the lack of love and care we have for ourselves, but where does such destructive behaviour start?

It will come as no shock but such ways of being has its roots in childhood. With over three decades of counselling experience I have lost count of the amount of times I have said to clients their patterns of behaviour/of how they have lived their lives, has its roots in the formative years of their lives when they were trying to work out where and how they fitted in life. “If you were raised in a home where there was neglect you would have worked out ways in trying to keep on the best side of your parent/s to ensure you got a little of what they had. You were not conscious of this, but you acted in a way to survive.

Here are some signs of this dreaded condition. You may end up lying to yourself. You are living inauthentic, often characterised by saying yes, when you should be saying no, or saying no, when you should have said yes. Some will know this all too well as when you have said yes to do something and when you are doing it you are cursing the person or thing resenting the fact you said yes when you should have said no.

Here are some more signs of self betrayal. You continue changing to be accepted by others. Not only do you keep changing for acceptance you pretend to be someone who you are not. You can see what is happening. Self betrayal leads you away from the person you were meant to be, to a dark place of confusion. You do things to keep the peace at the cost of yourself while betraying your internal values. This can lead to a downward spiral descending into depression. It is clear self betrayal is devastating to the development of self. The question must be asked, what can be done to arrest this descent?

When we have spent much of our lives betraying ourselves it is easy to continue because it is familiar, but if we want to ‘Let Your Life Speak,’ from the title of Parker Palmer’s classic text on living authentically we are going to have to do something different. Here are some steps we can take to begin the trek of finding who we are.

“I lost myself trying to please everyone else. Now I'm losing everyone while I'm finding myself.” As you move from self betrayal to self love/acceptance be prepared that your current landscape of life will change. Those who were pleasing will not like the new you because you are not playing ball. You are not being compliant and they cannot use you as they once did. You can no longer betray yourself so they will have to contend with the new you.

One thing you can do, maybe for the first time, is to listen to the truth of your heart and learn to give voice to it every day. Psychologist, Kimberley Key, says, “try giving yourself at least 10 minutes every day to write whatever comes to your heart (even if it sounds like rubbish and is incoherent). “Then practice, practice, practice giving voice to your heart’s truth. Most importantly, love whatever blooms. Don’t abandon it. It’s you.”

Another way is to show up to ourselves. This is demonstrated as follows. A method I have used to great effect is asking clients if they had a friend who was in need how would they help them? I ask the client to get a sheet of paper and make a list of things they would do to help their friend. When the list is completed, which it never is, I then ask them to personally apply some of the items on the list. When they hear this, there is often a large gulp, but with support and encouragement they are able to begin the painful task of beginning to work on themselves. Alas, for some, they have found the task too hard and the change too much. Granted, it is no easy feat when you have spent decades denying yourself but I have seen people grab the bull by the horns and work on themselves to bring about vital and lasting change.

Other things we can do to rescue ourselves is Learning to be compassionate towards ourselves, challenge our inner critic, set boundaries for our protection, trust ourselves and intuition, and begin to have some structured “me time.” We have learned unhelpful ways of being therefore to make progress we need to unlearn our old ways and learn new ones. It can be tough but it is possible. Hugely so!

Join me and others on Tuesday 22nd August at 7.00 pm to look at self-betrayal and over the next couple of weeks look at what can be done to begin to let our lives speak.

I can be found on FB, LinkedIn, Twitter and YouTube @drdelroyhall5007

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