Achieving My Goals Didn’t Magically Cure My Imposter Syndrome

I don’t remember the first time I heard the term “imposter syndrome”, but I’ll always remember that “ah-ha” feeling of being able to name what I’d been struggling with for so long. I also don’t remember how long I’ve felt this way or why. Being an introvert, for years I’ve told to speak up and pretend to be more extroverted than I am. Maybe that has something to do with it. Or maybe it comes from having grown up in a mixed household with a Latin mom and an American dad and the struggle I’ve faced to figure out my own identity. Maybe. But for whatever reason, I’ve always had that pit in my stomach, that feeling that I don’t deserve what I’ve gotten.

I have snippets of memories growing up feeling like this, but I became hyperaware of it when I stepped on McGill University’s campus. Since the day I’d gotten my acceptance letter, the judgmental voices inside my head had been whispering that it had to be a mistake that I’d gotten into a great school. But when I saw how smart and hardworking my peers were, and how everyone else seemed to have their sh*t together, those whispers became deafening yells. I was paralyzed and my grades suffered. I was on academic probation by the end of my first year.

I struggled my way through university from then forward, which just served to reinforce the negative perceptions I had about myself. But then, one day, I graduated. And I actually felt genuinely proud of myself, that, despite the obstacles, I’d accomplished getting my degree. In spite of all the times I felt like quitting, I pushed myself past the finish line.

Then, the “real world” came crashing down on me. The stress of finding a job as a new grad almost immediately eclipsed any happiness I’d felt. By the time I was hired in my first corporate job, I had virtually no self esteem. I wondered if I’d overstated my experience and somehow tricked the Head of HR into give me the job. “Surely, I CANNOT be best candidate. How did I connive my way into this tech company and an industry I know barely anything about?” I agonized. Regardless, I knuckled down and learned, and researched, and asked questions, and survived.

A couple years went by and I’d attained some sense of calm. By then I had a good base of knowledge in IT recruiting and my performance reflected that. Then I got promoted to Team Lead, and my confidence went right out the window. Back again I was thinking “there’s no way I’m prepared for this. If I try to ‘Lead’ anyone they will, of course, laugh in my face because of how unprepared I am. They’ll see right through me,”. To my own surprise, I garnered the respect of my colleagues and made it through once again. But before I had a chance to build my confidence, Covid screwed up the economy taking my job right along with it. Now I’m left looking for the step in my career – as I’m sure are many people around the world.

Throughout this rollercoaster of emotions, I noticed something curious about how the mind works - the paradox of my imposter syndrome. Crawling my way through academia at McGill I felt more pride than when I’d first been accepted in. Being unemployed now, though very challenging, has made me reflect on my accomplishments with more of a sense of success than when I got promoted. How can that be?! Perhaps in the latter case, it’s because I’ve had to give so many interviews and talk to so many people about my achievements that I’m slowly starting to believe them myself.

It’s funny, I always thought that when I achieved “X” goal I would finally have more confidence (“X” being “graduating”, “getting a job”, “getting promoted”). Yet, I still feel like a faker, waiting to be “found out”. I think we place too much value on confidence altogether. Had I waited until I gained confidence, I probably wouldn’t have finished my BA, gained valuable work experience, and refused that promotion. I don’t pride myself on having imposter syndrome, and I fight my internal dialogue almost daily so that I am not debilitated by it. Meeting goals doesn’t lessen the sting of imposter syndrome, only learning does. What I think my story can teach is that the situations that make you feel like an imposter are the ones you can learn the most from. And that maybe when you’re feeling imposter syndrome, that means you’re on the right track.