Achieving an Amicable Divorce: Yes, It's Possible (Even When Things Seem Impossible)
James Traub, CDC? - Amicable Divorce Coach
Divorce Coaching, Strategy, and Education
When a relationship deteriorates to the point of divorce, communication has often broken down significantly. Tension, conflict, and mistrust typically run high. In this emotional landscape, many people assume an amicable divorce is simply off the table.
"My spouse and I can barely speak without arguing. How could we possibly work together on a divorce?"
It's a common concern I hear from clients, and it's understandable. But here's the truth that might surprise you: Despite tension, conflict, and miscommunication, an amicable approach to divorce is still possible.
Why People Avoid Amicable Approaches
There are several reasons people jump straight to adversarial legal proceedings:
These concerns are valid. But they don't mean an amicable divorce is impossible.
The Path to Amicable Divorce Begins with Emotional Stabilization
The journey toward an amicable divorce starts not with legal paperwork, but with emotional regulation. As a divorce coach, my first priority is helping clients de-escalate their emotions so they can re-engage their prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for planning, rational thinking, and long-term decision making.
This process often takes a month or more of weekly conversations, and it's absolutely essential. When you're operating from a place of emotional reactivity, you simply cannot make the thoughtful decisions that divorce requires.
During this period, I listen carefully to understand what clients want for themselves and their family post-divorce. Creating a vision of their desired future is tremendously important because all divorce decisions—especially those made in the first 30 days—should align with where they eventually want to end up.
Finding Areas of Shared Interest
Once a client has achieved some emotional stability and clarity about their future, we focus on identifying areas of shared interest with their spouse. These might include:
These shared interests create openings for conversation. They provide common ground where couples can begin to discuss divorce processes that will serve both individuals and the family as a whole.
You Can Drive Your Own Divorce Process
One of the most empowering realizations for my clients is that they can drive their own divorce process. They don't have to hand the keys over to attorneys—and in fact, terrible things often happen when they do.
Even if your spouse has already retained an attorney, you can still pursue an amicable process through mediation, using that attorney (if at all) for review and consultation rather than letting them drive the process.
When presenting alternative approaches to your spouse, framing is crucial. I help clients present options through the lens of what their spouse wants, not just what they want. For example, if your spouse values financial security, emphasize how mediation can preserve more resources for both of you. If they prioritize the children, highlight how cooperative approaches benefit kids' emotional health.
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Beyond the Either/Or of Attorneys vs. No Attorneys
There are numerous options for moving through divorce outside typical litigation:
A divorce coach's value lies partly in helping clients assemble a divorce team that meets their family's specific needs. This might include:
Counterintuitively, working with this expanded team can be less expensive than working with one attorney, while providing more comprehensive support. At hourly rates of $400-500, attorneys simply cannot provide the breadth of expertise that most divorcing people need.
The Cost of Legal-Only Approaches
To be frank, it feels ethically questionable for attorneys to charge these rates to work with people who are emotionally overwhelmed and confused. While many attorneys suggest clients work with therapists, therapists often know little about the divorce process itself and cannot guide clients through key decisions, help them avoid common mistakes, or assist in assembling a divorce team.
I've heard repeatedly from other divorce coaches that they've found attorneys to be highly resistant to introducing their clients to divorce coaches. I'm not sure the reasons for this—perhaps attorneys recommend therapists precisely because therapists pose little risk of changing the client's direction toward working without an attorney or working with an attorney as minimally as possible.
Yet what clients truly want is comprehensive support to create the best possible outcomes for themselves and their families without financial devastation.
Taking Leadership in Your Divorce
You absolutely can lead an amicable divorce process, even if your spouse initially resists. The key elements for success include:
Remember that your divorce process will set the tone for your post-divorce relationship, which is especially important if you have children. An amicable approach doesn't mean you won't protect your interests—it means you'll do so while preserving relationships, minimizing costs, and focusing on the future rather than the past.
The Bottom Line
Divorce will always involve challenges and difficult emotions. But with the right support and approach, even couples experiencing significant conflict can achieve an amicable process. The investment in creating this kind of divorce pays dividends not just financially, but emotionally and relationally for years to come.
If you're facing divorce and wondering whether an amicable approach is possible in your situation, I encourage you to explore your options before assuming that a high-conflict process is inevitable. The future you envision might be more achievable than you think.
James Traub, CDC Certified Divorce Coach?, specializes in helping clients achieve successful mediation-based divorces, typically saving thousands in legal fees while protecting family relationships. As founder of Best Possible Divorce, he guides clients through the critical early phase of divorce when thoughtful decisions matter most.