Achieve: The Emotional Intelligence To Make Things Happen

My grandfather was an accomplished lawyer. A criminal defender and civil litigator, he fought for his clients up until the day he died—people he believed innocent or unfairly punished for their mistakes. 

I never knew him, but I grew up hearing stories and through them, I developed a deep sense of connection to him and his life. My family talked about how hard he worked, how loving he was, and how much he gave to his profession. They talked about his heart and determination—how deeply he cared about his purpose and how tirelessly he worked to serve it.  

Like my grandfather, my father also went to law school. Only he didn’t go because he wanted to be a lawyer, he went because he felt pressured to be as accomplished as his own dad. 

I grew up with a clear message: in order to be “successful”, you must go to college and into a highly specialized profession.

Achieving this kind of “success” was more important than personal purpose or wellbeing. 

In some ways, my drive to achieve has helped me. It inspired me to travel the world, get two Master's degrees, and put myself in the presence of people whose thought leadership inspired and intimidated me. 

In other ways, it has worn me down— I have taken on projects for their clout, not their meaning. And at many points, I have found myself skirting the edge of burnout— because I can’t let something go for fear of letting anyone down. 

Over the years of working with Daniel Goleman, studying his model of Emotional Intelligence, and coaching others in developing their EI, this is one of the areas that interested me the most. 

Many of the leaders I coach are high achievers— they have worked their way up the ladder and find themselves at a crossroads.

I resonate with them.

Some of them have lost sight of their purpose. Others have prioritized achievement over their own well-being. Some can’t seem to align their own goals with the goals of their team. And others find that the drive to achieve compromises their emotional balance. 

The first step in coaching is to understand the drive to achieve and how it shows up in our lives. This includes understanding how the western world rewards hustling and being “first” or at “the top of your game.”

Where does our drive to achieve come from?

In Daniel Goleman’s framework of Emotional Intelligence, Achievement Orientation is the drive to succeed at our goals. One of four self-management competencies, it refers to the ability to set meaningful and important milestones for ourselves— to take risks, embrace challenges and stay consistent in our efforts to do what is important to us. 

When we are competent in Achievement Orientation, we:

• Set measurable but challenging goals for ourselves and those we lead;
• Draw from our values and our sense of purpose in order to do the things that matter to us;
• Persevere in the face of discomfort ;
• Have faith, hope, and confidence in our ability to make things happen;
• Commit to meeting and overcoming challenges ;
• Continually seek feedback in order to improve.

Achievement Orientation isn’t just about getting things done for the sake of getting things done— it’s about cultivating clarity, determination, and resilience in order to meet our larger objectives. 

We all know someone who is lacking in this competency: someone who is smart and talented but can’t quite seem to make things happen. They have skills and abilities but don’t use them in service of a clear and focused destination. 

How do we understand achievement?

This competency has a lot of nuances. It reaches into areas like motivation and resilience— topics psychologists, neuroscientists, social scientists, and leadership experts have studied at length.

It also touches on life experience and mental health: how and where trauma and anxiety impair our cognitive functioning or our ability to drive our efforts towards an endpoint.

As I have shared, achievement has had both positive and negative influences on my family. Growing up under the shadow of my grandfather’s success, my dad believed that becoming a lawyer was a clear way to establish a sense of value in the world. 

On the surface, the goal was law school. But underneath the real goal was to be recognized, accepted, and approved of. 

My grandfather passed away three months before my dad was scheduled to take the bar exam. 

My father describes that day as the saddest and most liberating of his life. My grandfather's early death prompted my dad to have an existential realization— that life could be short and so he should spend it pursuing his own path.

My dad would have made an excellent lawyer. But I am not sure being a lawyer would have made for an excellent life.

When it comes to achievement orientation, the questions always emerge: 

• What am I going after because I can? 
• What am I going after because I “should”?
• What am I going after because I want to?
• What am I going after because it’s part of my purpose?

Going to law school represented one aspect of my father’s Achievement Orientation: his ability to persevere in the face of discomfort, bolstered in part by the family’s outpouring of support. 

But quitting touched into another: drawing from values and a sense of purpose in order to do the things that matter to us.

My dad has been collecting and selling antiques for the past fifty years— an interest he had from the time he was in high school. He has become well-known for his expertise in Mission Style furniture and exquisite glass. 

Both paths had challenges. In the end, the choice came down to which set of challenges was really worth it. 

If we are to use our skills in service of a clear and focused destination, it helps if the destination is one we care about. Our achievements don’t need to be world-changing, but I would argue, we are better off when our heart is in them. 

Over the coming months, I will explore this competency in greater depth, looking at its relationship to culture— unpacking where our understanding of achievement comes from and the degree to which our goals are internally motivated versus culturally defined.

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(Teaser: The next piece will look at achievement in the context of HILL, SKILL, and WILL.)

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What is your relationship to achievement? What goals do you have and how do you seek feedback? Comment below.