Ache To Say No

Sonny once said to me that when we turn away business we should “Ache To Say No.” This insight applies to our world of wine, but it could be held true for all businesses. This afternoon I made a warm and human connection with a referral accommodation property. When I mentioned our winery name to the G.M. she smiled and said her brother recently arrived unannounced at our winery on his bicycle. We could not host him, but he told her he was turned away with such care that he still felt valued. He wanted to make an appointment next time and have his sister join him.

We all find ourselves logistically disadvantaged and unable to seize the opportunity in front of us. That doesn’t mean it is lost. It may be deferable. Finding empathy for the “Ache” is in first recognizing that someone thought of you, chose you instead of something else, turned the steering wheel in your direction, took a wrong turn, argued with their spouse, cursed Siri, finally found your entrance, parked carefully avoiding the cactus, got their jacket on, responded to a text, checked their hair, cracked the windows for heat, locked the rental car and walked across the gravel to your wine room. In our minds they just “turned up” - but they didn’t.

Maybe they didn’t read the signs or didn’t check your web site properly, but I’d bet there’s a story about why they arrived spontaneously at your door. Take a moment, relax, look them in the eye, smile, and ask, then listen to that story. It’s common sense to at least find out who or what you are saying “No” too. If you still can’t accommodate them, you can explain truthfully, it’s because you wouldn’t be able to give them the experience they deserve. Then feel it, feel the ache of saying “No.” Look for that faded flower in the dry dusty corner of your weary hospitality soul and hold it till it’s real and vivid in your mind, then speak.

Contrasts highlight. We went to visit a winery around the corner from us last week that “Accepts Walk-ins If Available.” We told the host we were in the wine business and if possible, would like to review some of their wines. The host was uncertain, so he asked someone senior at another desk. This person was clearly audible as they did not look and up told the staff member within our earshot, “Tell them we can get them a glass of wine, or sell a bottle, but no tasting.” I could have run over and throttled him. It was a potent blend of sadness at the sheer desperate waste of an encounter with a dose of indignation at feeling slighted thrown in. (The wounded ego is my problem) There was no “Ache To Say No” in that encounter.

I’m not sure how you train for The Ache. You can’t make people feel what isn’t there. Can they “Fake The Ache?” Probably not. I suppose if this short piece resonates with you the reader, then it is on your shoulders to set the example at whatever strata you work. Live the philosophy and share the story of why the “Ache To Say No” is so important.