Accidental Diminisher (damnit)

?????Have you ever tried to help out and accidentally have the opposte effect?!? ???

Liz Wiseman refers to this as being an accidental diminisher in her book Multipliers. It's a good read, and if you are like me, a lot of it comes across as common sense.

However, as you'll see in this article, common sense often escapes us without even knowing.

The Accidental Diminisher is the well-intended leader, often following popular management practices, who subtly and, completely unaware, shuts down the intelligence of others. (ref)

I just did it recently ?? (without the subtlety even!)

[Setting]

Our R&D (Research and Development) teams had a meeting called an Org Retro. So typically, these meetings are made up of developers, product managers, and engineering managers. There can be others there as well.

The "retro" stands for retrospective and the meeting serves as a way to openly share thoughts and ideas about some topic (maybe more than 1 topic). The thoughts are then documented and shared for others to review and comment on. (Remember the key word "thoughts").

More on retrospectives here

I read through the notes of this retro and was concerned about the notes because it was clear that the topic of discussion was causing discomfort and maybe even stress for many people.

I was aware that the topic was ongoing and not just a new thing, and I wanted to help.

I mean ... who better to help than me right!?! After all I am not a developer, not a product manager, not a ... you get the idea.

Oh, and on top of that, I was not in the actual meeting. Bonus points.

[Action]

So I read through the notes and what I saw was thoughts, ideas and opinions. What I couldn't find were action items? How could I help without next steps or action items? I didn't want to make up or guess next steps because I did not have the context. In order to get context and understanding I started challenging and asking questions.

A lot of questions.

Now, why would I do that?

Well, logically, if you understand the problem, it is easier to move toward a solution. So in theory, there is not a lot wrong with that. On the surface.

Now, let's think about how I asked.

1. I was asking in writing in a wiki style format. So it's not very interactive, and we all know that when it comes to the written word (sms, email, etc.): tone, message meaning, and more can be misinterpreted.
2. I was very to the point and seeking facts. I was challenging and wanting strong answers so I could defend potential action items and next steps. I knew I would be talking to the CEO and others, so I had to have a very strong foundation to stand on. However, when you ask these kinds of questions, they can come across as angry, negative and maybe something worse.
3. I was speaking to a large audience, and many of them have never met me. "Who's this Chris guy?", "Why is he asking all these questions?", "Did he even attend the retro?", "Why is he so angry?!", and on and one. I was an invisible black box (or even a disembodied evil spirit!) asking a lot of strong questions.

[Retro on My Action on the Retro]

Here's an important point. In reading this, you might be thinking,

"Well it's pretty cool that Chris realized the error in his ways and is moving toward correcting it."

... not 100% accurate ...

I am almost certain* that I would not have picked up on this if I did not receive some direct feedback from someone who read my comments and felt the things (and probably more) that I described above (the 1,2,3 part).

*certain: Established beyond doubt or question; indisputable.

When I received their message, I was beside myself. What? How? Really?

If it wasn't for the effort of this person reaching out to me, I probably would have just wondered why don't the attendees of the retro want my help. Why not just answer my questions. Never realizing that I might have made a negative impression.

So since receiving that feedback I have reached out to others that I might have de-railed from taking action on the discussions of that retro. The fact that I might have thrown a wrench into the entire thing was a horrible thought.

In the end, it's probably going to be okay. Fortunately, there were enough people involved in the retro and feedback that know I am coming from a genuine place, despit my barbarian approach to help.

[Some Takeaways]

Take some time to understand

I actually take pride in the fact that I usually dig in and try to understand an area of knowledge before asking to many questions. It's more of a "for me" thing than a "for them" thing honestly. I hate asking questions that have already been answered and documented.

However, in this case, I overlayed some assumptions onto the org retro process and they were incorrect. If you start your journey with the wrong coordinates, it typically doesn't end well.

Take the time. Wait a day or more. Put on the shoes of the others involved.

Think about the communication medium

For me, the most successful form of communication is face-to-face conversation. You are able to see physical responses, hear tone, adjust on the fly quickly in a synchronous manner.

It isn't anywhere near possible to have face-to-face for most communications. Zooms and gmeets, are kind of face-to-face, but a distant second. Many conversations are carried out in written format (documents, wikis) and more dynamic written word like chats (Slack, Teams, Google Chat, Chanty, etc.)

Be aware of the medium. Think about the tone of your words.

Think about your audience

Are you going to be communicating with peers or far removed employees that just happen to work at your company? Have you met everyone in person, do they know who you are? Are you communicating about a domain wherein you have expertise, are you walking a line of domain knowledge, or are you completely out of your wheelhouse?

Every coach a youth sports team and have to deal with the barrage of coaching gems that you receive from (mostly) good-intentioned parents?

Thank people when they call you on your sh*t

It's not always easy to give someone constructive criticism, but most will appreciate it. Since being at Vendasta, I have had numerous people reach out to me and give me the ole:

"Hey Chris, just some candid feedback.."

Of course it's a love-hate feeling when you get this. I personally, never want it to stop, but you always have that moment, "Did I actually just do that?".

The upside is that most people appreciate it when you take their feedback and actually apply it. Some readers might be thinking, "Some of the feedback I get is ridiculous and wrong!". Of course that's possible, but it's safe to assume we are all going to steer away from applying ridiculous and wrong feedback.

On the flipside ... you know when the feedback has merit!

Thanks to all of you who have taken the time to keep me on the rails. I genuinely appreciate it! - Me