Acceptance

"The standard pieces of good story telling can get in the way of reaching what is considered the Mount Everest of Human emotion, the hardest place to get to, where the views are life changing, which is acceptance." Kelly Corrigan

Acceptance

By Doug Wyman

My friend John and I teach a class in mental health, wellness, and resilience to police

officers across New England. Our class comes at the end of two weeks of newly

promoted sergeants learning what it means to be a supervisor. Our class culminates

their learning experience of taking care of their people, managing marginal employees,

labor and discipline, 21st Century Policing and Reform and learning new skills or honing

old ones like; emotional intelligence, critical thinking, conflict resolution and others.

We explain to them that our class is the “feelings” class and that they are going to feel

vulnerable – a state that no police officer likes (because it’s misunderstood), and that

we will speak about some rough topics: Post Traumatic Stress, Post Traumatic Grief,

Suicide – stuff that may trigger some in the room. However, we start by showing a

movie about OUR own experience with these topics. We create a safe space for them

to open-up, because they quickly learn that we have experienced(ing) these things too

and that we know that it is okay not be okay, because we are not either… So, what

does this have to do with acceptance?

In all of our classes and to all of those I spoke to in my journey there is one thing that

those who are suffering struggle with – ACCEPTANCE. They cannot accept that they:

Didn’t do more, didn’t save a life, Didn’t see it coming, they were the one to survive,

they could not get there fast enough, That they sat on the left side rather than the right,

that they didn’t go through the door first… Acceptance is coupled with that other

crippling word IF… IF I could have, IF only… They cannot accept what happened

before, thus they cannot begin to deal with what has/ did occur… They are stuck.

Shame and guilt are powerful weapons against our psyche. Shame and guilt are like a

virus that infects your whole body. It can manifest itself physically - you’re tired all the

time, you lack energy, you have more pains and aches… It’s because this burden you

are bearing is foreign to your body and your body is expending a lot of energy trying to

combat it! It can manifest itself psychologically - You have trouble concentrating, you

have a quicker temper. You can feel that people are out to get you or that life is just

completely unfair and now you are bitter. The swirl we experience when we are in our

own head can be hard to overcome, because we are able to convince ourselves so

easily. The enemy uses shame and guilt against us very effectively as we sit in a room

alone with our head in our hands… When we wake up in the middle of the night in a

cold sweat…Terrified at flashes of memory we just saw and the screams we just heard.

As we swallow the last bit of that bottle… We think we have no place to put that pain, so

we try to beat it down… However, just as with an injury – Guilt and shame are

symptoms and if you do not treat it, it will only get worse and hurt more. Acceptance is

the start of your antiviral medicine that can put you on the path to the cure.

So, let us start with this. You need to know that acceptance is not agreement. You do

not have to agree with something to accept it and once you have accepted, you have

the ability to move forward. What do I mean? Look at your own life. How many times

have you accepted something without really agreeing with it? You may not agree with

your spouse, but you accept their position, thus ending the spat. You don’t agree with a

7% mortgage rate, but you accept the loan, so you can buy the house. You don’t agree

that a college degree should cost 55,000, but you accept that’s the price of where you

want to go to school and get the degree. You didn’t agree to have your ass kicked at

bootcamp or the police academy, or the fire academy but you accepted as part of the

process. It’s the price we pay for admission to life. Acceptance is most aptly epitomized

in the Serenity Prayer which read: “Grant me the serenity of mind to accept that which

cannot be changed; courage to change that which can be changed, and wisdom to

know the one from the other…”

So, you have arrived at that place in which you accepted what has happened to you,

whatever trauma(s) have befallen you. Now what? When my wife died from suicide, I

thought my life was destroyed. I told my counselor that my life looked like that scene in

the movie Independence Day after the White House had been blown up. Looking across

a vast array of nothingness, seeing no point of reference, not knowing which way to go,

or even where to start, and having no idea where I was going to end up. However, one

day about a month later, as the fog of that tragedy began to clear… I accepted.

I accepted that my wife was gone. I accepted that I had to leave my parent’s house,

where I had been staying and return to my town an hour north of where I was. I was

going to be living in a new place that was donated to me - a place that was fully

furnished - nothing in it was mine, there was nothing familiar about it. I accepted that I

would be alone. My two adult children lived two and three hours away from me. I

accepted that I had a decision to make and in making that decision I only had two

choices: Better or Bitter. I knew I wanted to live, I knew I wanted to love, I knew I

wanted to hope, I knew I wanted to be happy. I chose better, which meant that I chose

having to do the work. I had to accept where my life was and what I was going to have

to do to get it to where I wanted it to be. What I didn’t do was agree to the pain, the

tears, the sleepless nights, the re-living of the event and dissecting of it with my

counselor, her playing the devil’s advocate over the choices I made – making me

confront my guilt and shame head-on by sticking it right in my face to deal with it right

then. And when it was finally all out, laid on the floor in front of me, when I had finally

fought with it, yelled at, cried about it… to the point of exhaustion, the realization

came… It wasn’t my fault. I could only do what I knew, with the information I had. In the

moment I made choices and did things I thought were right. The things I thought were

helping… That’s when my therapist asked me point blank, “Did you do what you did out

of love? Did you do what you did because you cared? Did you have any idea that this

would happen?” When I answered Yes, yes, and no she asked then why are you

blaming yourself? And then she told me ever so gently “Put down your cross. This

burden is not yours to carry. It wasn’t your fault.”

The guilt and shame I had been feeling was a byproduct of what I knew after her death.

It is then and only then that you play the woulda -coulda – shoulda with yourself as only

a Monday morning quarterback can! And THAT is where guilt and shame take root and

grab hold! That is where the rage and bitterness occur too, because shame, guilt, rage

and bitterness begin from the same emotions and they are like erosion. The running

water that is eroding your peace of mind and your soul, it finds the path of least

resistance and erodes the area until it collapses! Finding strength in your vulnerability,

allowing yourself to hurt, and go through the pain, to confront it… That’s the hard stuff.

That’s where positive growth occurs.

My counselor asked me some tough questions and asked me to journal about it. If you

think wrestling with shame and guilt was tough, wait until you hear about this bout! She

asked me who I was. I told her that I was a father, police officer, husband, and now a

widower… She stopped me and said NO, those are titles. What I want to know is; Who

is Doug? What’s he about, what does he feel, how does he think? She also asked me to

answer the question; Am I enough? Am I enough to live with myself? Am I enough to

live by myself, shop for myself, sign the check book by myself…to do everything BY

MYSELF…? My therapist was making me face the realization that there was no longer

a “We” - There was just “Me”, half of me was gone forever, and I would have to be able

to live with the half that remains, and not only live with that half but also be happy with it.

The toughest adversary you will ever go up against is yourself. A victory in the battle

with self can be something seldom done - but it can be the best victory of all. I had the

opportunity to perform a sermon just after New Year’s in 2020. The sermon was about

resolutions, and I commented how our New Year’s resolutions are often unsuccessful,

and they are unsuccessful, because we are always willing to give ourselves a pass. We

resolve to work out more, however, when we are sore and achy and don’t feel like

working out, we might be inclined to give ourselves a pass… Do it tomorrow… We

sometimes get used to letting ourselves down. That’s what makes us such a worthy

opponent. We know where our weaknesses are - so does the enemy and He will use

ourselves against ourselves… To talk us out of the battle. To raise the white flag of

surrender. To win THIS battle, you have to have faith. You must have the ability to keep

looking forward when everything around says to look away. It is Peter in the boat during

the storm, when Jesus tells Peter to get out of the boat and walk to him. Peter was

doing great… until he looked away… You can’t look away! You can’t give yourself a

pass!

Acceptance is not agreement. However, once I accepted my place in life, the hand I had

been dealt, (I didn’t agree to it) it allowed me the ability to move forward.

What did all this work, all this pain lead me too? Forgiveness. I was finally able to

forgive myself and her and let go of all the hurt. My counselor had led me to the top of

the mountain, up the toughest trail imaginable. During the climb she pushed me when I

needed to be pushed. If she got too far ahead of me, she would stop and let me catch

up. She allowed me to rest when I needed it. She encouraged me every step of the

way, and gave me that last bit of strength to make it to the summit of the mountain, and

when I was finally at the top, what I saw didn’t look like the wasteland I started with. It

was beautiful. As I stood on top looking at that newly discovered beauty that surrounded

me, I was able to drop my backpack full of stones. The weight had been lifted. The pain

was gone. I had finally found peace. It wasn’t my fault. I could hold my head high. I

learned there is no honor in shame, that to truly honor those who we have lost memory

is to live your best life. To be more understanding, patient, tolerant. To think of this new

found life as a gift and to give it a purpose. I don’t have nightmares anymore. I have not

only accepted my trauma, I embraced it. You will find that forgiveness, true forgiveness

is probably one of the hardest things you will ever do, however, when you truly forgive,

you finally have peace.

Fast forward five years… I was able to do the work. It was hard, long, and painful.

However, because I dealt with my trauma early, I was able to experience Post

Traumatic Growth. It seems that everywhere I look and all the classes I took, they never

talk about that… They just talk about wellness and resilience. Resilience is good, don’t

get me wrong, but there is a place beyond and it’s beautiful. Because of my growth and

my early intervention, I do not have PTSD, I was, however, diagnosed with Post

Traumatic Grief. Because of my growth I have a closer relationship to God, for which

I am very grateful. I finished a bachelor’s degree - I actually changed my major too. I

retired and started a new career, and I have a calling to help all of you that suffer, but

most importantly I was able to fall in love again, get married and live my best life. Make

a positive out of a negative – You can do it too.