Acceptance and Change

As the pace of positive change around the world accelerates, so does the level of challenge humanity is facing. Threat of mass extinction due to climate change. A reckoning of the way humanity has structured itself through the systemic marginalization of significant portions of the population. A pandemic that has killed millions. Now an ominous war.

It is tempting to want to put one’s head in the sand and hope that this will all go away. Or maybe the temptation is to become filled with rage and lash out with anger and hostility. Neither extreme takes us anywhere particularly helpful. What can we skillfully choose to make a constructive difference? One place to start is to acknowledge our current reality, choosing radical acceptance of our human condition and the consistent presence of suffering, and honor that with intentional action to bring about the change that is possible.

Don’t turn away from suffering.?

Wanting to protect ourselves from suffering is only natural, but choosing to deny the existence of that suffering is not protection. In fact, it inevitably serves to make things worse. The first step in dealing with the challenges we face is to acknowledge them. This can be true when the challenge is enormous, as it is with the devastation of war or other worldwide crises in recent years, or even when the suffering seems less significant.?

When we push suffering down or aside, whether our own or that of others, it will certainly return with greater power and force. The suffering we inflict on each other is often built on the back of prior suffering. Turning our attention to the hard reality of life allows us to begin to metabolize it and stop it from continuing to roll through the generations.?

It can be particularly easy, or even culturally acceptable, to turn a blind eye to the suffering of others in our organizations. Here, the boundaries of a professional relationship put up a natural hurdle to acknowledging the personal losses or hardships of our co-workers. We must stop hiding behind the dehumanizing delusion that personal suffering should not be brought up in organizational settings. Compassionate leaders need to bravely acknowledge and connect with the suffering of their co-workers to tear down this wall of separation.

Focus on what you can do, not what you can’t.

Turning towards suffering and acknowledging it without acting is a recipe for overwhelm and paralysis. Yet, in intense periods of challenge, it can feel like there is nothing that we can do, as if we are too small to make a difference. Alone, any one of us will not be able to address climate change, systemic oppression, war, or pandemics. Together we can. When looked at relative to the entire problem, our contribution appears small, but when we put our effort together with the efforts of everyone else, our collective energy and intention can move the needle.?

Caring for the people around us is one wise action we can always take. While that may feel limiting in its power to address global ills, this human connection is ultimately the only thing that will change the world. Our connection to those closest to us will ripple outward and have impacts that grow in influence and distance.?

We can also find ways to expand our circle of care for those who are not near to us. If possible, we can give our time or resources directly or through relief organizations. A heart-centered way to expand our circle of compassion is to offer lovingkindness to everyone: to ourselves, to those we care about, and even to those for whom we hold strongly negative emotions. That said, wishing for the wellbeing of our community and for strangers who are undergoing hardship is doable. It isn’t quite so straightforward to send lovingkindess to those inflicting suffering. We must remember that no one is born with hate in their heart, or behaving viciously. The viciousness arises from a feeling of lack of safety, of deep unmet needs. Can we imagine what the world would look like if brutal leaders felt safe??

Focus on behavior change, while limiting blame.

One important element of compassionate leadership is to focus on behavior change instead of on blaming. Blame labels the person, implying a fixed character trait that can’t be changed. Addressing the behavior, on the other hand, enables us to move toward change.?

When something bad has happened, it is easy to jump to the question of blame, “Whose fault is this?” The challenge with such a question is that it looks for simple answers. But the answers are rarely simple. As mentioned previously, people aren’t born hostile. Their mean acts arise from their own developmental histories. Blaming is actually a form of the “looking away” described above. By creating a scapegoat, we release ourselves from any duty to create change. In fact, we have created a narrative that change is not possible.

The evidence is clear that blaming is not effective in bringing about changes in behavior. Understanding that there are deeper causes for bad behaviors allows leaders to simultaneously set clear boundaries of acceptability: “It’s not okay for you to speak that way in a meeting,” without blaming: “Why are you such a disruptor in our meetings?” From there, leaders can coach their colleagues in ways to address the behavior.

In closing…

This is hard. Being present to suffering takes courage. If we want to create meaningful change, we must face the suffering with wholehearted acceptance. Then, and only then, can we act with compassion to bring about the change we want to see in the world.?

Lastly, sustaining a wise, compassionate stance in the face of enormous suffering requires belonging, support, and nurturing from community. Find or create a conversation with others to strengthen your ability to cultivate love and compassion, and lead from the heart. We cannot do this alone.