“Accept the Alien” (AKA – Your Introvert/Extrovert Opposite)

This is one of my favorite quotes:

“Accept that your partner is a pain in the ass. Accept that you are a pain in the ass, so the two of you are made for each other. Accept that what makes you furious about your partner is wrapped up with what excites you. What you most love and what drives you crazy is the same thing. Just on a bad hair day.”

— Joshua Wolf Shenk, Author, “Powers of Two”

In my book, The Genius of Opposites: How Introverts and Extroverts Achieve Extraordinary Results Together, I talk about an ABCDE process of working with your opposite. The “A” stands for “Accept the Alien.” You can’t change your opposite, but you can understand them. Once you are able to accept this fact, you are in for much less stress.

Why Accepting the Alien Matters

"Communication" is such a loaded word. The dictionary definition is vanilla: the exchange of information between two people. But we all know that exchange can carry misunderstanding, friction and annoyance. When introvert/extrovert partnerships are rocky, the conflict usually reflects a breakdown in this exchange. Sometimes the person sitting across from you with all those weird interpretations of what the client said can feel as alien to you as something that crawled out of a spaceship. When that happens, stifle the impulse to flee or grab a weapon. Genius beckons.

In describing those inevitable times, introvert/extrovert partners will say, “It is too much work to figure him/her out.” Or they will avoid their opposite, leading to a pile of unattended hurts, disconnects, and confusion that are difficult to come back from.

Successful introvert/extrovert opposites make the decision to accept each other and not let communication differences impede their ultimate outcome: to make a great product, deliver the best service possible, and achieve breakthroughs.

There are two key reasons why accepting the alien matters:

1.     Acceptance builds empathy in each partner

With introvert/extrovert partnerships, we have great opportunities to appreciate another view, even though we don’t understand everything they live through. But by stepping into their world, we also awaken parts of ourselves that have lain dormant, allowing us to throttle up our performance. Suddenly the person doesn’t seem like an alien after all.

2.     The partnership becomes stronger

Through the process of working closely together, opposites can become a stronger unit over time. When they face successes and failures, both grow together, not just individually. An exponential power forms to help them meet the next challenge, the next opportunity.

When we grapple with tough problems and decisions together, not only do we learn more about how to move forward as a team, but also more opportunities to be creative emerge.

Good communication with your partner allows you to collaborate ― to grab the best from both of you. Instead of getting irritated, partners in all fields learn to read each other’s non-verbal signals over time. These cues become gateways to gain deeper understanding of the alien’s point of view, allowing them to move back and forth with relative ease.

How Accepting the Alien Can Break Down

• Not realizing that your strengths are my weaknesses

Not stopping to consider differences in personality can cause problems. It happens; even the most accepting partners lose their patience at times. The culprit behind it? Usually stress.

Stress can be a good thing; it can energize us and get us moving. However, we can react in ways that are not productive for the partnership or ultimately ourselves.

• Introverts shut down, extroverts talk more

When stress happens, we often go into overdrive on our personality characteristics. Introverts shut down and extroverts talk more. This creates tension as the introvert is thinking, “Won’t they ever shut up?” and the extrovert is thinking, “What is going on in their head?!”

• Outside stress can also take a toll

Recessions, mortgage payments, being the sole bread winner ― these economic pressures can have a significant impact on a partnership. In other cases, problems with children, spouses, parents, and friends are all factors that can significantly complicate the communication flow between opposites.

These outside stressful events, like a department move or a change in managers, can bring out our fears and lower our tolerance levels. Introverts become more internally focused. Extroverts go into high-energy mode. Clashes occur more frequently. And these moments also provide the true test of whether a partnership will survive. 

Solutions that Keep You Focused on Results

There are several steps you can take to keep your eye on the outcomes you want to achieve together and the genius in your partnership.

• Learn about personality styles

Learn about your own style and your partner's. Take a personality instrument, or an interpersonal skills class so that you can learn what you bring to the partnership. Keep aware of when problems are your issues and not your partner's. The breakthrough comes when you learn that your partner is not intending to make you crazy, but is just wired differently. With that knowledge comes great relief, and best of all, much less judgment.

• Learn to speak their language

You can build on that self-awareness. Knowing that your introvert craves time to think quietly, or that your extrovert is dying to think aloud, is an important clue for flexing or adjusting your behavior. You will find that taking a walk on the other side will help your own growth.

Over time, if extroverts can take the time to let introverts reveal themselves, the introverts open up. And if introverts are patient with the ongoing outpourings of extroverts, they may find themselves catching some of that ebullience.

• Accept that you can't change them

The Serenity Prayer applies here: "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” You will never change another person, nor should you. Yet the stubborn nature of two strong-willed people can cause one to wish the other would think faster or talk less. Ironically, the more that you lay off trying to change them, the less it will bother you. Once you let go of this false hope of molding them to your desired image, everyone can relax, and life gets a lot easier.

• Remove the elephant from the room

Talking about your differences gives them legitimacy. This is particularly important in the beginning of your work together, but holds true throughout the relationship.

• Work on adapting one small thing at a time

As an extrovert, see how it works when you decide to dim the lights to reduce the external stimulation. Or what happens when, as an introvert, you intentionally practice eye contact for a few minutes longer than usual in order to connect with your opposite. Observe the reaction in your partner. You may be surprised at the positive impact even this small move can make.

In addition to connecting more effectively with your opposite, you will find that this deliberate stretching develops a previously untapped side of yourself. You will have a richer array of tools to draw from when dealing with your current opposite and future partners.

• Create a shorthand for communicating

Create a code ― a physical signal or a short phrase ― as a way to stop the action when you are off course.

• Give it time

Introvert/extrovert opposite partners often have tremendous appreciation for what their opposite brings to the work relationship and that respect grows over time.

• Meet regularly and talk

Successful introvert/extrovert partners give each other updates and honest feedback regularly about how things are going. They address problems quickly and don’t let them fester. Figuring out what methods work for both of them is key, and they revisit that key from time to time.

Summary: Respect the Wiring

Because extroverts and introverts are wired so differently, working together gives these opposites many chances to disagree or even reject each other. Yet learning to accept the alien in each other opens up more than a significantly enriched relationship: more creative opportunities present themselves to the pair who does the hard work of acceptance. Disciplining yourself to learn how and why your opposite sees the world differently is work, but the work carries rewards that far outweigh your investment. You will feel almost as if you've learned to speak another language, and in relationship terms, you will have done just that.

Jennifer B. Kahnweiler, Ph.D., Certified Speaking Professional, is a global speaker who helps organizations to harness the power of introverts. She is the author of The Introverted Leader, The Genius of Opposites and Quiet Influence which have been translated into 16 languages. Reach out to Jennifer on LinkedIn, Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.