Accelerate ... hearing others' stories
This is the first of July's three blog posts -- “Accelerate x3” -- where three accomplished women share their insights once a week. In this entry, Pat Coffey shares her thoughts related to this quote:
- "Everyone has untold stories of pain and sadness that make them love and live a little differently than you do. Stop judging; instead try to understand.” Anonymous
Pat Coffey's perspective: "Everyone Has A Story"
It was a long-awaited promotion, something I thought was a bit late in coming. So, I was happy when I finally got it. And then I heard what my new organization would be: one of my new direct reports would be … her. She was a peer of mine before the promotion and I didn’t think very highly of her. She was aloof and always seemed to have a chip on her shoulder. “Great! Handing off your problem to me,” I said to my boss.
I wasn’t happy about it, but it wasn’t the first time I’d had to deal with a new direct report who was upset. I did what I normally do: set up one-on-one time with the person and prepared to be there to listen to them. At the scheduled time, she came in but was unwilling to talk at all. Finally, after an awkward silence, the only thing she said was that she was contemplating a lawsuit. Boom!
I didn’t see that coming. My first thought was about me and all the difficulty and disruption this was going to cause for me. Then, for some reason, I wondered what had caused her to get to this point? We worked for a big company with lots of rules and lots of lawyers. It was very unlikely that she would win anything, but I got really curious about what she hoped to achieve. So, I asked her. Was she trying to prove a point? Was she trying to make it better for others? Was she seeking personal validation? She still wasn’t ready to discuss it. I told her how difficult it would be but that I would support her decision, whatever it was, and we agreed to meet again in a few days.
This time she was very prepared to talk. She told me stories of how she had been discounted and overlooked – numerous times. At first, I was taken aback because I thought she was telling my story. We had so many similar experiences. Halfway through the discussion we were laughing and crying together, amazed at our similar journey. Then she told me the story – one of amazing ignorance and bias. I was appalled and angry. I wanted to fight! That’s when it hit me.
Most of our experiences had been similar. My way to deal with them was to fight, to prove “them” wrong. Her way was to withdraw. This person I had previously seen as “a problem” was actually a talented, caring individual who had been beaten down. I was sad and wanted to help raise her up. I became her biggest supporter. She taught me one of my greatest lessons and continues to be a great inspiration to me. And, she became an amazing friend.
Everyone has a story. If you can just hear their story, you will learn so much. Not only about them; but about life, about love, and about compassion. Such lessons would be very helpful right now to all of us – as leaders and in our personal lives.
? Pat Coffey is a board member, advisor, speaker and facilitator and a retired CIO. You can follow Pat along with June Drewry and Caren Shiozaki as part of "Accelerate X3" at https://www.dhirubhai.net/groups/12376854/