Abuse awareness: coercive control - what you need to know

The number of domestic abuse crimes reported in 2021 in the UK was 845,734 - and it must be remembered that a lot go un-reported so the actual figures are much higher.?It is likely that you will have team members or know someone who has or is experiencing abuse. It must also be remembered that both men and women can be victims of domestic abuse.

There are different types of abuse and this newsletter covers coercive control.?The term is a relatively new one.?However, it is important that you understand what it is, how it can be impacting members of your teams and consider your personal feelings on the subject so that, in the event, you have a staff member experiencing this very difficult situation, you can respond in an appropriate and helpful way.?

Coercive control is now formally considered to be domestic abuse.?This change in law has meant that women and men who are experiencing this type of abuse are now able to press charges and escape problematic relationships, as well as gain protection from the police if needed.

It is a very difficult subject which carries a lot of shame and stigma.?Raising awareness and having conversations is an important step in encouraging people to come forward and get help, or assist those experiencing abuse to feel understood, but can also help you to understand why someone may be underperforming or having issues, if they disclose that they are being abused.

Abuse happens across all demographics. It is often mistakenly seen as an issue to those experiencing financial hardship, within certain communities or from relationships with people who have committed crimes. THIS IS NOT THE CASE. Abuse covers every demographic from the richest to the poorest, across every community and diversity of populace.

The definition

The CPS defines domestic violence and abuse as

“Any incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive or threatening behaviour, violence or abuse between those aged 16 or over who are or have been intimate partners or family members, regardless of gender or sexuality. This can encompass, but is not limited to, the following types of abuse: psychological, physical, sexual, financial and emotional." (www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationships)

Womens Aid describes coercive control as “and act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation, intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish or frighten their victim”.?(Coercive control - Women's Aid Federation Northern Ireland (womensaidni.org) . It is important to understand that both men and women experience coercive control and that men are less likely to report or discuss their abuse.

The pattern of coercive control is designed to isolate, confuse and remove a victim’s autonomy, creating a dependence on the abuser.?It is not a simple subject to describe as abusers will use different tactics, manipulation, gaslighting, threats or punishment to create control.

The difficulty for the victim is that these are not always overt.??Rules will change with no warning, and gaslighting, stating that the person is misremembering or deliberately defying an expressed request or demand, is often employed as a tactic to confuse.?Over time the person doubts themselves.

Demands are not always explicit – at any given time the abuser may become difficult or angry indicating that something is not acceptable, this is the punishment for an unknown crime – which adds to the confusion.?The abuser did not expressly forbid something (going out for the evening with a friend), but the reaction and behaviour afterwards indicates that this is not acceptable.?Again, over time, to avoid these reactions, the victim will cease a lot of activities, opinions and behaviours that are not acceptable to the abuser – these range from not socialising, to not eating certain foods, only watching programmes sanctioned by the abuser to avoiding family and friends.?Over time the victim becomes more and more isolated and conditioned to behave in a certain way.

One of the confusing elements is that the abuser is often very charismatic and outside of the home can be very friendly, kind, approachable and appear to be a great person.?This adds to the confusion of the person experiencing the abuse and reduces believability if they are to disclose the behaviours they are subjected to.?Often victims when finally seeking help will be met with comments such as “I cant believe that of x, they are so wonderful.?I always see you as being so lucky to have them”.

In addition, an abuser is not abusive all the time.?At the beginning of the relationship and at intervals, they can be the model partner.?Responsive, supporting and incredibly loving.?They are great listeners and can mould themselves to be the partner a person always wanted.

As you can imagine, this adds to the confusion – at times the abuse follows a faux caring persona – “I am so worried about you, you seem to be forgetting things”, “no-one else understands you in the way I do”.?

Living in this scenario for years causes a multitude of mental health issues from anxiety, depression, low self-esteem and sometimes suicide.

How can I/my organisation help?

1.??????As with any personal difficulties, having an agreed safe space and a person or persons who will listen, keep confidentiality is a great starting point.

2.??????Creating an awareness session can be useful.?Invite an appropriate subject matter expert in to provide information and facilitate a wider discussion

3.??????Do not be surprised if the person experiencing abuse is strong and assertive in the workplace.?Often work is a refuge from the difficulties at home and the person can be more themselves?

4.??????Sign post employees to where they can get help.?In the UK, Women’s Aid and The Men’s Advice Line can be a good starting point.?Every county and most large towns will have local charities that can help, and a google search can help find support in your area

5.??????If someone discloses that they are being abused and are having mental health issues you can refer them to your employee assistance programme or potentially consider funding therapy.?It must be remembered that financial abuse is often found with a controlling abuser and the staff member may not have access to, or need to account for any money spent which can make accessing paid therapy difficult

6.??????Listening without judgement is absolutely key.?Coercive control works on fear and victims are often hypervigilant and frightened.?It may be that a person chooses to stay in the relationship as they are not yet ready to leave and the aim here is to listen and support, rather than judge and sign post to where they can get help

7.??????Acknowledge their bravery in disclosing the abuse and remind them of their attributes, abilities and strengths as their confidence will likely have been eroded.??This may not be apparent as abuse victims are often really good at concealing their feelings.

8.??????Leaving a relationship is difficult and abusers often escalate when the relationship ends.?Talk with the employee and create a plan for how to deal with telephone calls, emails or the abuser turning up at the place of work.?It is useful to document any incidents as this could be required if it continues.

9.??????Confidentiality is important.?Any disclosures must remain between the person and their listener unless they give specific permission for the information to be shared.?If you believe a person is in danger, signpost them to the police or a relevant abuse charity.

10.??Ask the person what support they would like and if there is anything they think would be useful

11.??If you are the person experiencing abuse, if you have a trusted colleague or line manager, you can share the information in this newsletter with them and ask if they are able to provide you with support.

The reason I can write so fluently around abuse is that I was in an abusive relationship for 19 years. At the time I gained several promotions and appeared to be a very successful woman in the financial services industry. On the surface things looked fine. It took someone with awareness who asked the right questions, listened to me and helped me begin my journey to recovery, to make the difference and potentially save my life.

If you would like to talk further about helping employees experiencing abuse, or any other well-being topic, drop me a DM or email me for a virtual coffee and a chat

[email protected]?