Absorbing What We Hear - Four Patterns of Behavior and Coaching Suggestions

One of our earliest memories many of us have growing up, probably because it was repeated so often, has to do with us NOT listening. “Are you listening to me?” “You’re not listening.” “HEY!”

The words listening and hearing are used interchangeably. However, listening doesn’t mean hearingbecause we hear when someone is talking to us. It is sound and content. “Excuse me. I didn’t hear you” can really mean “I wasn’t listening to you” or “I don’t want to listen to you.”

?Listening is absorbing what we choose to hear in words spoken.

?Simply observing and assessing how individuals listen and hear is an effective tool for leaders pertaining to all team members in overall performance. There are multiple “listening” and “hearing” behaviors. I know this because I have observed, interacted with, led, and was led by people exhibiting some of what I have determined are the four most common patterns of listening behaviors below.

?In most situations, routinely and sometimes amazingly, I have found it beneficial to take the role of an audience member observing and listening to a play or movie. Seriously, I do that. I take myself out and I look in, quietly and intently.

?Using the kind, professional, and always our-people-are-our-biggest-asset standard… basic assessment and coaching suggestions follow each of the four patterns of behavior below.

?The Critical Listener

This heavy-breather sighs and may say “uh huh” occasionally while intently listening. Critical Listenertypically judges whatever is being said and believes his/her expertise is needed, much like he/she is an instructor, sharing opinions and concerns and suggesting specific and global corrections. The challenge with this behavior is he/she is so intent on correcting he/she rarely absorbs much of what is said. This behavior can be a conversation stopper and downer to a team…

Ask “Critical Listener” to lead and put the topic, issue, or question directly to him/her.

• This simple approach allows others to actively listen, and he/she is in a position to share fresh thoughts and ideas before anyone else presents theirs. It allows others to hear him/her from a different perspective.
• Provide feedback as appropriate, ask questions, get feedback, and support him/her as needed. Even though his/her behavior can be trying, some excellent ideas and suggestions may result that should be explored.
• Mentor and encourage the Critical Listener to be more of a team player and supporter.

I’m Too Busy

An oldie but still going strong is I’m-Too-Busy-to-listen-to-this, and she/he feels this way about most conversations and meetings. There may be a few muffled “tsks” or delayed responses to the person speaking because Too Busy is multi-tasking. She/he often asks questions after the conversation that were addressed in detail during the conversation. The challenge with Too Busy is whatever is said or discussed during any conversation often needs to be repeated. This is operationally ineffective. Think band-aid on a gaping wound. We need to stop the bleeding.

Too Busy needs and may want and accept help.

• She /he must be aware of and aligned with the specific responsibilities pertinent to her /his role within the organization. Accountability matters. Is she/he in the right role? Does she/he truly have too much to do? Is this an attitude issue?
• Assess and adjust responsibilities as determined necessary.
• Once Too Busy accepts and understands her/his role, training, mentoring with planning, prioritizing, and using a To-Do list may prove beneficial. This process may be labor-intensive to get Too Busy in the right mindset.
• Observe, question, assess results of adjustments, and act, support, coach, mentor, and act, support, coach…
• If determined to be an attitude issue (negative, consistently unhappy), and this can be detected early on after any changes are made, she/he may need to move on to a better-suited role or organization.

Rainbows, Sunshine, and Roses

When conversation shifts from positive business topics to the timely need to strategize regarding a serious business challenge or situation, Rainbow’s reaction is, “I’m sorry but I’ve got to run.” Rainbow was actively listening as he/she initially participated but took off when his/her assistance was needed and expected. Depending on how often this occurs, Rainbow is communicating that you’re on your own for the tough stuff. Rainbows is not functioning productively as a leader or a team member.

“Tomorrow’s” conversation needs to take place asap.

• Rainbows needs to know the critical importance of his/her participation for serious business discussions. Input is needed; he/she is important! However, just as important during coaching is sharing the consequences of escape-avoidance behavior which is not acceptable for anyone in any role within the organization.
• If this behavior is not immediately discussed and addressed, it can be extremely difficult to correct as it is likely embedded in Rainbow’s life, and not only in the realm of business.
• Consider the value of this individual and his/her role. Coach and support and hold him/her to active participation and contributions to meetings and discussions.
• Accountability matters.
• A more serious discussion may be necessary to determine his/her interest and commitment. ?

Hurry Up and Finish…

Hurry-up-and-finish-because-I-want-to-say-something is not listening to anything. Often, he/she quickly blurts out what he/she wants to say and doesn’t realize the person who just finished speaking (who he/she was supposed to be listening to) said almost the same thing. Even though this happens fairly frequently, Hurry Up doesn’t realize his/her established pattern of behavior can occur multiple times in a conversation or meeting.

There may be deeper issues here than not listening…

• Allow Hurry Up to share his/her thoughts or speak first. Give him/her the floor, respond appropriately, and keep him/her moving forward with prompts or questions or asking another team member a question.
• Make sure he/she is paused to let an actual conversation take place, with ideas and dialogue flowing with others.
• Accountability. Give him/her feedback when it’s a positive interaction. Provide coaching privately when needed, professionally, of course.
• Be sensitive to what may appear to be underlying issues causing this behavior. Hurry Upmay feel he/she has no valued opinions or ideas in other areas of his/her life.
• Change may be needed if this behavior does not change.

?Assessing, teaching and training, supporting and coaching, mentoring and re-assessing…

?They come from our skills at listening and hearing and observing. It’s an art we do every day without thinking, unless we’re faced with patterns of behavior we need to recognize and address ourselves. Using our own mentors and colleagues (who tell it like it is) as a sounding board is always beneficial.

?Be thoughtful, don’t rush, keep emotion out of it, ask for your own help or feedback, and always be open to change which is part of life and our continued development as humans.

?Written by Donna Check

Donna Check Consulting, LLC

DonnaCheck.com

July 5, 2024

Revision from 2021