Abhi na jao chodkar- On Grief & Loss

Loss of anyone and anything we hold close to ourselves, feels heavy and tough to go through! Researchers and academicians have the Kubler Ross model to rely on, for the rationalization and acceptance of ‘death’ as a concept but its still making its way to the different sections of society. People are still figuring out that there could be stages to grief- Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.

We experience loss on a more frequent basis than we notice or get time to grieve for. This situation of certain kinds of loss not being acceptable and ‘approved’ or deemed grief-worthy by the society is often known as ‘disenfranchised grief’.

Are you reminded of any kind of loss that might have been assumed “small” but mattered quite a lot for you.

What does ‘processing’ loss mean for you? Do you often find life coming in the way of your grief and processing? Does it start to sound absolutely necessary to move on, instead of staying and experiencing the hurtful feelings?

A majority of people would believe that the answer for coming to terms with death is either ‘wallowing in grief’ or ‘accepting and moving on’ right away. But it is necessary to understand that taking some time to acknowledge the loss could be helpful.

It is important to understand that grief comes with a flock of emotions- there could be shame, guilt, sadness, disappointment, hurt, anger, emotional pain and so much more! So, taking time off for your own care and well-being (reaching out for support via therapy sessions, journaling, physical movement) could be beneficial!

The flock of emotions makes us wonder and throw some light upon the attitudes and perceptions attached to death in an Indian setting.

Our Relationship with Closures

Our perspectives, beliefs and values in life are largely influenced by the culture we have grown up witnessing.

An Indian culture would typically experience death and understand or try to move on with the support of these few statements-

‘Unke jaane ka samay aa gaya tha’ (It was time for them to go)

‘Wo upar khush hain’ (They are happy, free and relieved from their pain).

It’s almost like yearning for a good closure.

Death can bring up uncomfortable states of feeling and emotion if, say, you didn’t share the most perfect relationship with the particular person.

If the last conversation you had with them wasn’t on the lines of resolution,

If they restricted you from being your true self

If you had to walk on eggshells around them

As I write this, I’m reminded of Arjun Mathur (character from an Indian web series Made in Heaven). The writers and directors have beautifully painted scenes of guilt, hurt and anger that get associated with death for Arjun.

Hurt and anger, because his mother never acknowledged his truth, his sexuality and always wanted to “mend” it and get him married to a woman. As his mother passed away, it left him with a lot of guilt and a state of huge, distressing conflict, an unfair choice and responsibility for not fulfilling his mother’s “last wish”.

We want to address the presence of complicated feelings after the death of someone whom you might have shared a “complicated” relationship with-

It’s okay to have a certain level of relief instead of the expected ‘sadness’ as the immediate response. Covering up the feelings of relief, and questioning or guilt-tripping oneself can result in a more distorted sense of self. The intention is to be true to ourselves, to sit with the discomfort and transpire with some new insights and experiences that lead to a better understanding of self.

Mann ki Baat- replenish & re-look

This section serves as a repository of steps that you can take or indulge in; when going through a loss of something or someone-

Journaling- Often when we are going through a tumultuous time, it gets tough to really understand what we are feeling. We experience brain fog, clouded by a million thoughts and judgments and what might be of help is writing down these thoughts and feelings. Verbalising or writing is a beautiful way to ground ourselves.

Seeking help with a trained professional- We try our best to deal with everything life throws at us but sometimes it can get heavy, and chaotic- probably go out of control. Asking for help in these situations could be a key step in building your support system.

Spending time with people/family for support- We all have our crests and troughs with our families. No family has the best or most perfect ways of functioning but we, sure, can rely on our loved ones for support, care and vulnerability.

Building resources for “Grief triggers”- As we are building our support system, it can be helpful to use our awareness and notice certain triggers which bring up difficult responses. Recognizing triggers is essential to build safety and resources accordingly.

Saying hullo again- this is a narrative therapy technique, which often applies to ‘delayed grief’. For someone who experienced loss of a person and with them -their own sense of self; it is important to re-look at their experience with the particular person. Looking at ourself through their eyes. Taking some time and active, conscious steps to appreciate what the person might have liked about us and re-experiencing life from that outlook is necessary!