A-Gay-Ny Aunt #4

A-Gay-Ny Aunt is a weekly column written by Gina Battye - about navigating work, relationships, family and feelings, your sexuality and gender and being your Authentic Self in a chaotic and often confusing world.

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In this week's column:

• I found things out and realised I don't know my partner

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I Found Things Out And Realised I Don't Know My Partner

Hello there,

There is something magical about those early days of getting to know someone, isn't there?

Laughing, having fun and ‘playing out’ together. Engaging in those surface level conversations to find out more about each others family life, work and hobbies.

But, rarely, in the early days of a new relationship do we delve into those deeper conversations about the things that really matter to us. Our dreams, life goals, relationship goals, career goals, the things that keep us awake at night, the things you don't say in every day conversation - we choose to hold those back until we know each other much better.

In the early weeks and months of getting to know each other, your partner is likely to have projected a version of themselves to you, one that is censored.

Chances are they have been wearing a ‘mask’ to hide certain elements of who they are. The 'mask' has protected them from revealing all of their vulnerabilities, fears and real thoughts and emotions, until they were ready for you to see and experience that.

What you describe is the moment where your partner lets that 'mask' drop a little. They have given you more insight into who they really are.

Listen, you have to remember. We all have layers and layers of past hurts, other people’s judgements and criticisms weighing us down and old beliefs and conditioning bubbling away under the surface.

We rarely show up as our REAL selves. The true, authentic and best version of ourselves. Instead, we hide behind the layers, and the 'mask' we wear.

We hide to protect ourselves and to stay safe. Worrying about other people’s perceptions and judgements stop us from being truly authentic in our relationships. All relationships.

The Reality

So here's the thing. The person you thought you had come to know is actually a censored version of themselves. With that realisation, you may also have been thinking ‘I have been hiding the real me too.’

In relationships, especially in the early days, we show up with our ‘masks’ on. Only when we are fully comfortable (and drop the 'masks') are we able to be in a relationship with the true version of each other.

That is when you experience a genuine connection with someone.

When you keep those 'masks' in place, it is difficult to express yourself fully with your partner. Communication becomes an issue, tension rises and the arguments begin. The emotions you experience in your relationship become difficult to express and instead of talking them through with your partner, you lock them all down inside of yourself.

In those moments where you both show who you really are and embrace your vulnerabilities, you will notice a shift in your relationship. It will bring you to a deeper understanding of each other.

Instead of viewing this as a negative experience, view this as an indication that your partner is comfortable with you. They are expressing themselves more fully to you now.

Embrace that, encourage those deeper conversations and enjoy getting to know each other, all over again!

Hope that helps,

Gina x

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About Gina Battye

Gina Battye is a world-renowned Authenticity, Psychological Safety and LGBT+ Inclusion Consultant and Trainer for Multinational Corporations, Fortune 500s, TV, Film and the Global Press.

As a media friendly experienced expert, with an acting background, Gina's work has been featured widely in the media, including:

Sky News, BBC Radio, Forbes, Psychologies, Cosmopolitan.

Media Enquiries | Authentic Self Process | 5 Pillars of Psychological Safety