A-Gay-Ny Aunt #2

A-Gay-Ny Aunt is a weekly column written by Gina Battye - about navigating work, relationships, family and feelings, your sexuality and gender and being your Authentic Self in a chaotic and often confusing world.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In this week's column:

Why am I always arguing in my relationship?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Arguing in relationships

Hello there friend,

Ah yes, I hear you! One minute you're washing the dishes or about to put the bins out. The next minute you find yourself in a heated argument. Funny how bins bring out the worst in people, ey?!

Listen, relationships are your greatest teacher. It may not feel that way in the moment, but trust me - you can learn SOooooo much about yourself from these moments of unrest.

Go grab yourself a cuppa. This is going to be a long one...

Here are the 4 most common argument triggers in relationships, and how to deal with them. See which of these resonate with you.

1. Silent expectations

These are unspoken expectations you place on your partner to do, or not do something.

If you find yourself saying, “Why is it always me that has to… (insert action here)?” or “I wish you wouldn’t do that” - you have silent expectations.

Let's say you expect your partner to take the bins out every other week, but you haven't discussed that with them. That expectation lives solely in your head.

Here's a scenario: It is 'their week' (in your head) to take out the bins. They haven't done it. You end up taking the bins out. You have a bit of an edge to you afterwards. That vibe is picked up by your partner (most likely subconsciously) causing tension to rise. Before you know it, that vibe has manifested into an argument.

Sound familiar?

If so, ask yourself "what expectations have I placed on my partner, without knowing?"

Consider voicing those.

2. Filters

We all have them - they are in action in every conversation you have!

They can cause you to mishear and internalise what has been said in a different way to what was actually meant.

I want to pick up on that word internalise. This is what happens in conversations.

Something is said to you. You have an internal reaction. You respond.

That reaction can be positive, or it can be negative.

What causes a negative reaction?

There is a split second after you have listened to what was said where you place a judgement on what is going on. That judgement causes you to have an emotional reaction to what was said.

The feeling you have in that moment is not an emotion based on what was said. 

It is an emotion in response to the judgement you just made about what was said.

The key here is to become aware of when you are triggered.

Then stop.

Ask yourself "how did I just interpret what my partner said to me?"

What's going on inside of you in that moment? What were the thoughts, judgements or old stories (more on that in a minute) that came up in that moment?

Instead of letting the emotional reaction take place and take hold, stop yourself.

Tell your partner how you interpreted what they said. Ask them to clarify what they meant, if you misunderstood them.

This often nips arguments in the bud before they even begin.

A little note here.

The person or situation that triggers a reaction from you is highlighting what you need to work on – within yourself.

What triggers you is here to teach you something about yourself. It is flagging up a belief, a fear or the conditioning you have and that you’ve experienced throughout your life that needs working through. These are growth opportunities for you.

Embrace them and learn from them.

3. Stories

All the things that have happened to you in your life - you've created stories about them.

• That time you got told off at school.
• Your first romantic break-up.
• That time you fell out with your best friend.
• That time you quit your job.

You've created stories about every event and situation you have experienced in your life.

Let me give you an example of how this can play out in a relationship.

In the early days of your relationship, your partner went out after work for a few drinks. They came home, kebab in hand, unable to string a sentence together. Later you found out they were dancing a little too closely to someone in the office. They denied it.

Over the days that followed you thought about it, internalised it and created some sort of meaning that felt true to you in that moment for that particular experience. It may be that you thought ‘my partner can’t be trusted after a drink.’

And once you had fixed onto a meaning that made sense to you in that moment, you created a story around it. For instance, ‘my partner doesn’t love me and respect me. Every time they go out they do something that upsets me or disrespects me.’

Those stories you create. They impact on every situation, conversation and experience you have today. It is like they are hiding beneath the surface, steering your every move, thought, action and decision. You begin to retell these stories to anyone that will listen or asks.

Now, when your partner is late home from work, you think they have gone out for drinks and a dance with someone that isn’t you. You think they are lying and hiding things from you. You begin to collate further proof and evidence to support this story and belief you created. Confirmation bias comes into full swing.

What have you done here? Instead of asking questions to fully understand what went on in this specific situation, you default to, "my partner doesn’t love and respect me. This happened before, and therefore when that happens today it means this." 

You have made that story you created in one moment in time a reality for your present and future relationships. 

Ask yourself. "Am I locked onto an old story?"

4. Perspectives

We all have different perspectives and thoughts on how things 'should' be.

We have all been there. Your partner sees it one way. You see it a completely different way.

You have this 'struggle' where you go backwards and forwards attempting to justify why you are right, or why they are wrong.

This can often quickly get out of hand and an argument can erupt.

At this point, you need a time out!

If this is going on, first seek to understand their perspective.

BE CURIOUS.

Ask questions to understand their perspective, before you make any judgements or draw any conclusions.

If you both seek to understand each others perspective in these situations - rather than letting your ego take over, you will feel comfortable to express yourself authentically in every conversation you have. This is where respect is built and connections deepen.

Bear in mind, once you have a deeper understanding of their perspective, you may still not 'agree.'

It is ok to have a difference of opinion.

At this point you have to either stop talking about it, or agree to disagree. Draw a line under it and move on.

Hope that helps,

Gina x

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Have your questions answered in A-Gay-Ny Aunt

To have your questions answered anonymously in A-Gay-Ny Aunt, please DM Gina or send an email to [email protected]

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

About Gina Battye

Gina Battye is a world-renowned Authenticity, Psychological Safety and LGBT+ Inclusion Consultant and Trainer for Multinational Corporations, Fortune 500s, TV, Film and the Global Press.

As a media friendly experienced expert, with an acting background, Gina's work has been featured widely in the media, including:

Sky News, BBC Radio, Forbes, Psychologies, Cosmopolitan.

Media Enquiries | Authentic Self Process | 5 Pillars of Psychological Safety