A-Gay-Ny Aunt #32

Welcome to this week's edition of A-Gay-Ny Aunt.

I was asked:

I am bisexual. I have had secret relationships with women, but it was always easier to date men and give the impression that I was straight. I want to come out to my parents. I told a few people close to me (including my straight boyfriend) and their response was "Is this really important?" Now I am questioning whether I should come out, or not.

Hello there,

I am really happy that my article helped you, however small a part it played in your journey.

There is one vital thing to remember here.

This is important to YOU.

This is about being honest with the people you love about who you are. Whilst they don't know this about you, you are hiding and censoring yourself. You are not being your authentic and true self with them. Or you.

You don't need to do that anymore. 

You are a grown adult. Yes, your parents don't need to know about your sex life etc. But they do want to know about your day to day life, who you are bringing to their dinner table and who is making you smile on a daily basis.

Personally, I think it would be much harder to come out to your parents when you are in a relationship with a woman. If you tell them now, yes they might not understand fully because you are with a guy. However, never underestimate the power of planting seeds...

They will have the time to get used to it and process what that means for you moving forwards. Often, parents feel this sense of 'loss'. Like you are not the person they thought you were. They may be imagining this big white wedding, kids, picket fence... Make sure you give them space and time to process this. 

Then in the future, when you do get with a woman - you are not hitting them with a double-surprise, right?!

The people you have spoken to about this. They have their own stuff going on. Their own agendas. Their own unconscious biases and prejudices. You can't do anything about any of that, other than to gently challenge them and call them out on things as they come up.

And that shame you feel. Kick it to the ground. There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing about your experience that you need to feel ashamed about.

You are you. You are loved and precious and deserve all the happiness that life has in store for you.  

In terms of 'coming out' - don't big it up in your head. If it can be dropped in to conversation, as opposed to a grand 'reveal party', then do it.

You will know when the time is right. Just trust that the perfect time is coming and you will have the right words and feel good in the moment to talk to them about it.

To be fair, chances are they already know... :) So don't get hung up on it. Alright?

Hope that helps,

Gina x

... Actual question I received is below, in text form:

Hi A-Gay-Ny Aunt,

I recently read your article called "Why Bisexual People Feel Excluded From Work, Life and Love."

Thank you. Your words helped me to feel seen, heard and understood.

Everything you wrote about, I have experienced. I have felt alone and like I was going crazy not fitting in this world.

I have had secret relationships with women, but it was always easier to date men and give the impression that I was straight. 

I have decided I want to come out to my parents. I told a few people close to me (including my straight boyfriend) and their response was "Is this really important?"

That question made me want to crawl into a hole and never come out. Their words reinforced that feeling I already have of shame and that my bisexuality doesn't really matter.

For me this is about being honest about who I am with my parents, who I always have been and who I always will be.

But now I am questioning whether I should come out, or not.

I'd really value your thoughts.

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Have your questions answered in A-Gay-Ny Aunt

A-Gay-Ny Aunt is a weekly column written by Gina Battye - about navigating work, relationships, family and feelings, your sexuality and gender and being your Authentic Self in a chaotic and often confusing world.

To have your questions answered anonymously in A-Gay-Ny Aunt, please DM Gina or send an email to [email protected]

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About Gina Battye

Gina Battye is a world-renowned Authenticity, Psychological Safety and LGBT+ Inclusion Consultant and Trainer for Multinational Corporations, Fortune 500s, TV, Film and the Global Press.

As a media friendly experienced expert, with an acting background, Gina's work has been featured widely in the media, including:

Sky News, BBC Radio, Forbes, Psychologies, Cosmopolitan.

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