A-Gay-Ny Aunt #14

A-Gay-Ny Aunt is a weekly column written by Gina Battye - about navigating work, relationships, family and feelings, your sexuality and gender and being your Authentic Self in a chaotic and often confusing world.

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I overheard my kids talking to their friends. What I heard really upset me. How can I help them re-programme how they feel about themselves?

Hello there,

I love that you are asking this question.

As a parent, you have a responsibility and a commitment, to ensure your children are able to explore who they are, in a safe space. I can see you are taking this role seriously.

A couple of key pointers to get you started.

Establish communication with them. Cultivate the environment where your children can share and talk about anything with you. If they feel they can talk to you about the little things, they will talk to you about the big things. By doing this you are sending out the message to them that they can talk to you when they are ready.

When they choose to talk, listen. Put down your phone/devices and give them your full attention. All any child wants is to be heard and to be loved.

Give them time alone with you, regularly. Give each child time alone with you. You can schedule in activities to engage in during this time. It will give the opportunity for your child to talk to you whilst engaging in something fun, creative or that you both love.

Ask questions. Be curious about them, their interests, their life and view on the world. Keep the communication between you flowing.

Be mindful. Of the language YOU use. The stories you tell them when something happens, about themselves and you. The social conditioning they are experiencing from your family, friends and outside influences (the media, education, hobbies etc). Comparing them to their siblings or friends. Become more aware of the messages they are hearing and absorbing.  

Listen out for language THEY use in conversation. It can tell you a lot about what they feel about themselves. For instance: “I’m not good at…” You may ask them “what makes you think that?” They may have confirmation bias going on, where someone said they weren’t good at something. They then thought of all the evidence to back that statement up and now they have created a story about it that feels true to them. Your role here is to show them their mind works in weird and wonderful ways - and there is evidence to disprove their original story.

Gently point out to them the language they are using. Give examples of positive ways they can talk about themselves, and talk about the impact of using destructive language. Ask them to think about more positive ways they can talk about themselves. Then ask them to give you evidence to back up these positive statements about themselves.

You could even make this into a card game (or something similar) - to get them to think about language they are hearing all around them and the impact it can have on them. This would be a good lead in for you to ask them to think about the language they are using about themselves.

Stories. Talk to them about the situations in their lives that they have created negative stories around. Illustrate to them they could just as easily have created a positive story about that situation. Get them to explore the different stories they COULD have attached to that situation. Then look at the difference it would make to how they feel about themselves if they attached a different story to the situation.

Messages. Talk to them about social conditioning, stereotypes, the images they see online and stories they are watching and reading. Ask them what those make them think and feel about themselves. Keep the conversation flowing and the door open to talk to you about anything, and everything.

And lastly, reassure them that all is good and they are growing up to be very special people, with unique skills and talents that are invaluable. Remind them regularly that their mind is the most powerful tool they have, and when they learn to hone their thoughts about themselves, they can achieve absolutely anything.

Hope that helps,

Gina x

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About Gina Battye

Gina Battye is a world-renowned Authenticity, Psychological Safety and LGBT+ Inclusion Consultant and Trainer for Multinational Corporations, Fortune 500s, TV, Film and the Global Press.

As a media friendly experienced expert, with an acting background, Gina's work has been featured widely in the media, including:

Sky News, BBC Radio, Forbes, Psychologies, Cosmopolitan.

Media Enquiries | Authentic Self Process | 5 Pillars of Psychological Safety