99 Problems, But Toilet Paper Ain't One

I recently submitted this "essay" to a writing contest that asked participants to describe the "Silver Lining" of Covid. I lost the contest (stop the count!!! ;) but had fun anyway. What do you think? Should I have placed?

99 Problems--But Toilet Paper Ain’t One

They say brevity is the soul of wit, so i’ll keep this short and stick to the important bit.

I ran out of toilet paper--mid pandemic--and realized like everyone else that it was time to panic.

So into Costco I did strut--hoping for something to wipe my butt.

The TP was long gone--and I was now in a rut.

What do you do when you can’t wipe your ass?

Do you pull a dog move and drag through the grass?

Well I wasn’t ready to be that uncivil, so I called up my friend and I posed him the riddle.

He said, “Jesse it’s easy--don’t you worry one bit; all you need is me and my toolkit.”

“What on earth are your tools going to do?” I wondered aloud.

This friend of mine, sure was excessively proud.

Could he have figured this out? I sincerely doubted this would all work out.

But sure enough--when my friend arrived with tools in tow.

He really was in the know.

On the floor of my bathroom he reached up to my toilet.

Fussing and mussing and making a racket.

He asked me if I had any spare “L” brackets.

His work was noisy and I couldn’t tell what was up.

But I didn’t dare to interrupt.

When all of a sudden, he let out a shout! 

He handed me a hose with a little spout “there my friend, test this bad boy out!”

I took the handle and asked “What on earth is this?”

He laughed at me and let out a little “tisk tisk.”

“You Americans and your TP! I’ll let you give it a try. Yes yes, oui oui!”

So that was the day that my life was forever changed.

Though I accused my French friend of being deranged.

I learned the beauty of the United States.

A land of many cultures, a truly amazing place.

Where everyone is welcome--regardless of race.

Our diversity is the silver lining!

So have no fear, we’ll come out of this thing shining (Like my clean derriere)

I’m thankful for my friend Piquet--The Frenchman who taught me about the wonders of the bidet!