9 Ways Veterans Can Cultivate Their Tribe

Investing in healthy relationships is the single best way to improve your mental health, physical health and career.

“Find a group of people who challenge and inspire you, spend a lot of time with them, and it will change your life.” —Amy Poehler?

When many of us get out of the military, the first thing we do is shut down, hole up inside our brains and stop talking to the people we love and support (and who love and support us). For so many of us, the trauma of the transition is just too much without a tribe of people who “have our six.”

I’m here to encourage you to deeply invest in your relationships — whether it’s friends, family, colleagues or even strangers — and do it differently than you ever have before. Why? According to the US Surgeon General, chronic loneliness is as bad for your health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.

Your life literally depends on your ability to form a strong social support network. The veterans who end up taking their own lives often do so because they feel utterly and hopelessly alone, and absolutely certain that no one cares. We have to do a better job of reaching out to each other — and ourselves. There’s too much at stake for us to lose one more veteran life because they felt alone.

Building your tribe is long-term work; it won’t happen overnight, especially if you’re mostly starting from scratch. Here are nine straightforward (if not easy) suggestions on how to get the process started:

Reach out to other veterans

Outside of my husband and my kids, I feel most comfortable and like myself around other vets. You can start by connecting with other veterans who understand your experiences. Seek out Veterans Service Organizations (VSOs), organizations like Team RWB, social media groups, or local events tailored to veterans. Engaging with those who share your same experiences can go a long way toward helping you feel understood and accepted.

Practice authenticity

Healthy authenticity is “an ongoing process of discovery, involving self-awareness, self-honesty, integrity with your most consciously chosen values and highest goals, and a commitment to cultivating authentic relationships.” (Note that this is a process, not an endpoint.) Contrary to popular belief, that doesn’t mean oversharing — especially when first meeting someone who, at first glance, seems like a person you could connect with. But don't hold everything back — being a little vulnerable is a good way to show others that you like and care about them.

Prioritize self-care

I like to use the SPACE framework of self-care to keep me honest: Sleep, Presence, Activity, Creativity, Eating. If I’m on track with these five things, my whole life runs smoother, including my ability to build healthy relationships with others. Make it a non-negotiable part of your routine.

Seek professional help

Is your “people” function rusty or broken? There’s no shame in asking a counselor or therapist to give you some strategies for connecting with others. A therapist or counselor can provide valuable insights, tools, and strategies to improve your relationships and overall well-being.

Block time on your calendar

Look, it’s always going to be easier to sit on the couch and stare at your phone. But I can honestly say that every time I’ve made the effort to show up for a friend or colleague, it’s been worth it. Allocate time for the people who matter to you. Plan regular interactions with friends, family, and community members.

Address unresolved trauma

If you're dealing with trauma from military experiences, take the necessary steps to address it through therapy or treatment. This process will help you feel more comfortable opening up to others and fostering trusting relationships.

Practice self-compassion

This one is hard for vets, but it’s been a total game-changer for me. Be kind and patient with yourself. Overcome self-criticism and negative self-talk by practicing self-compassion. Treating yourself with understanding and kindness boosts self-worth and enables you to connect with others authentically.

Navigate conflict constructively

Vets are notorious for being direct (often bordering on crude), but the communication style that worked for you in the military will not work for you in the civilian world. But when you know better, you can do better! Embrace conflict as an opportunity for learning and growth. Approach disagreements with openness, a willingness to listen, and a commitment to finding resolutions. Conflict resolution can strengthen your connections and deepen your relationships.

Celebrate progress

Take time to acknowledge and celebrate how far you’ve come. Every step you take towards building healthier relationships is a victory. Recognize your efforts and their positive impact on your well-being and the people around you.

A solid network of friends, family and colleagues provides a profound sense of meaning and purpose in our lives. It's worth thinking — and acting — intentionally when it comes to building your tribe.

Originally published on my Substack: https://jillhintonwolfe.substack.com/