9 Unwavering Lessons Learned Last Year

Below are nine top-line lessons I learned in 2023. Although I try not to repeat them, some lessons like to revisit me if I haven’t fully embraced them. I will dive deep into the specifics of each lesson in future posts.

Self-care.

A?self-care routine?reigns supreme above all else. You can’t be productive, attentive, or present for other people if you’re burning on the inside—fueled by stress, anxiety, imposter syndrome, or lack of physical activity. Take care of yourself first so you can show up for others?who?you’re capable of showing up?as.

Other benefits of a consistent self-care routine:

• Builds self-reliance
• Builds self-confidence
• Strengthens the mind to overcome challenges

Have a spiritual practice.

I distinguish between religious and spiritual, but this is my preference. The former believes and adheres to a particular religious doctrine, and the latter believes in something beyond the self. However, some people may view a spiritual practice as encompassing their religion. That’s fine. I don’t follow a particular doctrine, so I distinguish between the two. For example, a spiritual practice might include breathwork, meditation, journaling, or yoga. One?study?found that having a spiritual (or religious practice, for that matter) helped people better manage the effects of stress, cope with negative feelings, and improve their mood.

Connect with the body.

When I was going through another certification for transformational recovery and integration coaching last year, the lead instructor often coached a volunteer from the class, which was often triggering for people because of the topic(s) shared. He’d then ask people what they felt in their body and where they felt it. I had to do some real digging because I’ve relied on my mind, not my body, as my guide for most of my life. The problem with relying on the mind is your beliefs become a self-fulfilling prophecy because of that overbearing voice called the ego. Unless you have an?extremely?well-developed?neutral mind (to be discussed in a future article), you won’t be able to siphon off the crap your ego is telling you from the truth of reality (i.e., the present). Your ego is not reality. If it were, it would be true whenever you tell yourself you’re no good, don’t belong, or are unworthy of receiving love or anything else. But it’s not. These are all traumas, and trauma is trapped in the body, not the mind.

True paths are self-correcting.

After leaving the military, I struggled to find meaning in my job. Then, early in 2023, I had such a lucid dream that it could only be described as a wake-up call to stop being stubborn and accept my calling of helping people as a therapist. I enrolled a few months later in a graduate program for clinical mental health counseling and never looked back. If you’re stuck, unsure of what to do or where to go, rest assured you are where you’re supposed to be. There are lessons everywhere if you look hard enough.

Warriors over warfighters.

Warriors and warfighters are metaphors for manliness. Warfighters?lack balance. On one hand, they’re fearless and can conquer anything, but fear and insecurity hold them back. They’re driven by power and use hate as their primary (i.e., first layer) emotion—evidenced by constant complaining or criticizing—because it’s safe and easy to control. They’re not strong enough to face the complex emotions of feeling ignored, out of control, uncertain, foolish, or rejected. That’s because they’re not warriors. On the other hand, warriors possess the same qualities and characteristics as warfighters, with one exception: the courage to face themselves. Warriors feel just as uncomfortable as warfighters but lean into discomfort because they know they’ll be a better human on the other side.

Self-love is a process.

Many people think they love themselves without digging deep to examine themselves honestly. Why? Because they’re warfighters. It took me a long time to understand what self-love truly is and how it serves me and everybody around me. Loving yourself is the process of letting go--of imperfection, of self-criticism—and accepting who you are as you are. It’s not as easy as you think. If you don’t believe me, count how often you criticize yourself and others daily. Why others? Because your inner world reflects your outer world. Those who are harsh toward others do so because they’re harsh toward themselves. They lack self-love.

Healing is integrating.

To integrate is to “make whole.” Making oneself whole (again) is a healing process in itself, characterized by damn near every bullet point on this list. Why is this important? Because everybody has trauma, and everybody can heal. People often think that trauma is reserved for military service members or survivors of catastrophes or near-death experiences. The truth is, when your parents told you that you needed to be a good little boy/girl when you were upset, it was traumatic because what you heard was, “I can’t be how I am right now (i.e., upset).” When your parents told you to stop crying and “get over it,” it was traumatic because you weren’t allowed to feel. Experiencing emotional or verbal abuse, watching a parent fly into a rage because they can’t regulate their emotions (another sign of trauma), witnessing unhealthy adult relationships, or experiencing emotional absence or neglect all contribute to trauma. Everybody has trauma, and traumatizing your kids is inevitable. What’s avoidable is continuing to live with that trauma.

Intention is a game changer.

Breathing is something we do all day, every day (ideally). There’s no intention behind it because breathing is automatic and regulated by the autonomic nervous system. However, try this. Sit with a straight spine and make an “O” with your mouth as if you’re saying, “Oh!” Hold that position and begin inhaling and exhaling feverishly through the mouth for one minute. This is not light breathing. You should be breathing at a rate of approximately four breaths per second. Equal inhales, equal exhales (disproportionate exhales can lead to lightheadedness and blackout, so keep them equal). Go as hard as possible for the last 20 - 30 seconds. Go!

You likely feel calm and relaxed now if you did it right. You breathe every day, but you probably feel differently after one minute of intentional breathing than you do after breathing the other 23 hours and 59 minutes of the day. Nothing changed except you became more intentional about your breath. That’s the power of intention.

Wholeness over wellness.

In?Navigating Chaos: How to Find Certainty in Uncertain Situations, I shared the four pillars that I believe constitute drivers of peak performance: physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. I didn’t realize back then that I was referring to the concept of wholeness. Whereas wellness is driven by external metrics such as the Whoop, Aura Ring, Apple Watch, or some other wearable to track your sleep, heart rate and heart rate variability, recovery, and more, wholeness is an?internal?metric defined by you. It’s something only you can adjudicate for yourself based on your own innate intelligence within. Think of it this way: wellness subtracts from your life; wholeness adds to it. With wellness, perhaps you’re subtracting things like junk food and calories or trying not to be so critical. With wholeness, you’re adding to your life with exercise, meditation, and healthier food choices. This way, you can enjoy junk food occasionally because you’ve balanced out poor eating with healthy choices. You’ve become more whole.

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