9 things that helped me get through cancer

Getting diagnosed with cancer is a life changing event. It shakes us to the core, makes us question everything and confronts us with our own mortality. The meaning we attribute to it, can either give us wings, or throw us into a dark dungeon.

As we begin to share what we are going through, it is not uncommon to hear that “having a positive attitude” will be a determining factor in our healing process. I don’t believe in imposing “positivity” onto ourselves in a way that feels inauthentic, especially if that means denying or repressing what we truly feel, whether that emotion is fear, anger or simply confusion. I believe that allowing ourselves to simply be with our emotions can be a gateway. At the very least, it can point to information about what’s important to us. And at best, it can be a catalyst for transformation. The transmutation from cocoon to butterfly, which I believe underlies every process of overcoming illness, cannot happen without allowing ourselves to feel.?

That said, I do believe that the attitude with which we confront illness can define our way back to recovery. For myself, cancer became an opportunity to apply everything I had ever learned and question everything I ever believed. It was a moment to pause, look at my life, see what needed to change, and what I needed to dispose of in order to come out triumphant on the other side.?

My whole life I have felt like a truth seeker. Since my teenage years, I've been grappling with eternal existential questions that led me to spend significant time in places like India, understanding what spirituality in everyday life means. Experiences of this nature encouraged me to dive deep into empathic communication methodologies like NonViolent Communication (NVC).?

The following are some principles I applied during my two years of living with cancer, and that I hope you, dear reader, find useful in some way. If you have been recently diagnosed with cancer, you are in for a hell of a ride. But I promise you, life can be beautiful... even with cancer.?

1. WE ARE THE STORIES WE TELL OURSELVES: WEAVE MEANING

In my experience, the meaning we give to illness, or anything for that matter, is extremely powerful in not only determining our present, but also our future.

If you are currently going through cancer, instead of wondering “why me?”, you can ask yourself “what for?”. What is the message that cancer is trying to bring to your life? What does it want you to see? I am still discovering layers of meaning around my own journey, and doing so provides me with a compass for staying healthy and strong.?

Be present for what emerges. Observe. So many unexpected discoveries will come out of this, and some might just be wonderful.

2. CULTIVATE RESILIENCE

Attending 8 hour chemotherapy sessions alone was not easy. Once the pandemic hit, visitors were not allowed into "the chemo cave", as I called it. I remember walking into a huge empty public hospital -usually packed with people- on my own... the only sound was that of the wheels of the little suitcase I was dragging. The first time, I thought I’d be completely overwhelmed. But to my surprise, I walked into those ghostly halls like a warrior. It made me tap into an inner strength I didn't even know I had. In retrospect I know I was able to march in there with my head held high because I was resilient: I had made a conscious choice to prioritize my self-care, and that prepared me for that moment.

Resilience is our ability to return to a state of emotional and mental balance, after a difficult stimulus. It determines how we respond to the inevitable difficulties of life, in a way that feels aligned with our values. We can build our resilience, our internal resources, intentionally, like a muscle to be exercised. Resilience is not something we are born with; it’s something we nurture.

Cancer is full of difficult stimuli. It can be hard to know how to respond to difficult news, make decisions around treatment, keep our family informed while also trying ourselves to understand confusing information. Feeling strong is essential to taking empowered steps and making firm decisions throughout our journey.?

Lets turn the focus to you: What are those things that nurture you from the inside, out? Is it listening or dancing to music? Eating healthy? Sleeping properly? Learning something new? Exercising? Spending time in nature? Whatever it is, prioritize it. You are the center of your universe right now.

3. EMBRACE VULNERABILITY

One of the most impactful things I learned with NVC (the methodology I have now spent more than 10 years practicing and teaching), is allowing myself to simply BE with my emotions.

About a year ago in the midst of treatment, I had a moment where I completely broke down in front of my whole team. I can’t even remember what it was about, but I remember seeing the shock in their faces as I cried my heart out. Everyone, including me, was used to me being the relentless leader day in and day out that had it together all the time. Cracking open was essential for everyone to experience. It generated a sense of shared reality and reminded us that behind our annoyances and disagreements, we share a common humanity. We are all dealing with our own struggles, and doing the best that we can. Brene Brown’s talk on the “Power of Vulnerability” -one of the most viewed TED talks ever- makes a compelling case for embracing vulnerability as a way to build more meaningful connections with ourselves and others.?

Living with illness is an emotional rollercoaster. At times it may feel tempting to shut down, or distract ourselves to avoid the pain… but while that may bring temporary “ease”, we are missing an opportunity. Our feelings are opening doors and windows into ourselves that want us to grow, and see new old circumstances in new light. There is absolutely nothing wrong with crying, being angry or frustrated… Allowing ourselves to feel is the starting point for transformation. Surround yourself by people who allow you to just be, and can hold space for that. And trust that in your tender vulnerability, lies your deepest strength.

4. FIND YOUR STRAWBERRIES

One day one of my holistic doctors asked me a simple question: what brings you joy in life?

To my surprise, I wasn’t sure how to answer him. The “not knowing” baffled me. I was living a life full of purpose and meaningful work and connections; but simple pleasures had somehow fallen off my radar.

The instruction that followed is to this day one of my most important mantras: Every single day, do something that gives you pleasure. Make sure there is no ulterior motive but pure enjoyment. These are your strawberries. And from now on, your life must be full of strawberries.

The simplicity of this advice was also the source of its power. You’re sending a very powerful message to your soul: “You are enough and you deserve to be happy”; and to every cell in your body: “I want to live.”

Want to do the same?

Think about your perfect combinations of sweet and sour morsels, that give you moments of pure happiness. What are the strawberries in your life?

Perhaps it's time to yourself. An amazing meal. A hot bath. Yoga. Drawing. Writing. A meaningful conversation. An improvised dance. Painting. Writing. Reading. Make sure you don’t give yourself these things as some kind of reward. You deserve them just because. Your existence is enough reason to be happy. You don't have to work for it.

Nowadays, I am constantly on the lookout for ‘strawberries’; be sure to fill your life with them too!

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5. CREATE RITUALS

I understand a ritual to be any symbolic act that represents a before and after: a portal that allows for transformation to happen. I have also heard that rituals always involve in some way or manner, the transmutation of fear to love. I love that image.?

My healing journey was filled with small rituals. Most of them were intuitive: symbolic acts that somehow made what I was going through more meaningful, and provided me with a sense of relief.

For example: I created an altar with pictures of all of my grandparents, to remind myself that in healing myself, I was healing my entire genealogical tree. My then partner and I turned shaving my head into a ritual, by doing it out in the garden while blasting our favorite music. We celebrated completing every treatment by going out to our favorite restaurant. Perhaps the most meaningful space of ritual was when a group of powerful women friends gathered, to help me process pivotal moments of my recovery… saying goodbye to my breast and then welcoming my new, implanted breast. These were but two of many situations that brought us together to share, express, and heal together. The beautiful thing was that as I healed, they healed as well. That is the power of community. Oh yeah, they called themselves The Powerful Vaginas. Genius.?

6. SET BOUNDARIES

Saying no to something, is always saying yes to something else.?

My husband’s grandmother, a strong, unapologetic woman who is a cancer survivor herself,? told me something after I got diagnosed that really marked me: “You are the center of the universe. Whatever you need comes first, second and third.” These words made a lasting impression on me. As someone who tends to worry a lot about what other people think, and not hurting people’s feelings, this “permission” to put myself first felt huge.

As cancer patients, we are going through something exceptional. Putting our needs at the forefront is our new guideline. That will inevitably mean saying ‘no’ sometimes. And while “saying no” can have a negative connotation for some people, in practice, every time we say no, we are saying yes to something we need, something else that we are protecting. That is a powerful act of self-love, and your peace of mind is instrumental in your healing.?

What does this look like in your life? It could be telling a close family member that wants to accompany you to a medical appointment, that the way they react to news doesn’t help your peace of mind, and peace feels super important to you right now. It could be explaining to someone who wants to visit you when you’re not feeling up for it, that you’re tired and needing some space and privacy. Or maybe it’s about setting boundaries at work because you’re depleted, and not willing to do things you were willing to do before (like late night meetings). You can do all of this while being loving and recognising their good intention, just make sure to consider yourself first, and remember that in the end, the other person’s feelings are their own responsibility.

7. SUPPORT?

Love is the most powerful healing force there is. And as counterintuitive as it may sound, illness is a great opportunity to deepen our relationship with love.

I said it so many times these past two years: community saved my life. Whether it was my family, my ritual-creating female friends, or my empathic ConversABLE and travel-loving Wondermore communities, feeling sustained made a HUGE difference.?

Curiously, I had spent a lot of time prior to cancer, building community, not knowing I’d be able to lean on them at a crucial time like this.?

Reaching out and asking for help can feel vulnerable, especially if you’re like me and take pride in being independent and self-sufficient. But one of the most humbling things that cancer has taught me, is that it’s not only ok to ask for help but that people WANT to be able to support you. They want to help. Giving them something specific to do will not only make them feel useful, it will strengthen your connection. Some people are great for company, others are great listeners to talk to when you’re feeling down, and others strive in helping you navigate the medical world. Know who to ask for what and let them care for your needs too.?

8. RADICAL ACCEPTANCE

There are two ways in which I think about acceptance. Acceptance of life circumstances over which I have no control; and acceptance of myself. Both of them have come by cultivating trust; and letting go. If you love having things “under control” as much as I do,? you know that this is much easier said than done.

A year after my diagnosis and after right after my surgery, I found out I would have to undergo chemotherapy. In a way, everything I had done to heal thus far, was in the hopes of avoiding chemo. Naturally, the news came as a huge blow. I’m not going to lie, I cried for weeks. It felt like a deep deep mourning to put my body through that. Eventually, I understood there was nothing I could do but to let go and surrender to the treatment.? It humbled me. And once I stopped fighting the inevitable and confronted my fate with acceptance, I felt a strange relief. I prepared myself by swimming in the ocean, walking barefoot in the jungle, and eating as healthy as possible. Once the first day of chemo came and every time thereafter, I imagined a rainbow of colors entering my body. My sister Tanya and friends, visualized the same thing at the same time, creating a powerful intention for healing.

Treatment for me, resulted in gaining weight, growing irritable, having swollen ankles, going from feeling vibrant to old, living with a glitch in my eye, and perhaps most difficult, dealing with recurrent feelings of impatience, impotence, and worthlessness. Learning to have patience, remind myself that everything is impermanent, and ultimately accepting myself compassionately and wholeheartedly, despite all of the difficult thoughts and feelings I was experiencing, was one of the most important and beautiful lessons I learned.

In retrospect I feel grateful for the gift of acceptance. I learned to love myself because of (not despite of) all of my imperfections; and I learned to let go of those things I can’t control.? In the process I realised that in embracing the totality of our human experience, we become truly human.?

9. CELEBRATE EVERYTHING

Last but not least, celebration is a need that deserves attention! We can get so bogged down by the endless appointments, treatments and meetings. Celebrating the extraordinary within the ordinary, gives us a sense of progress and reminds us that life can be beautiful, even with cancer!?

A small reduction in the tumor, finishing a treatment, any unexpected good news… embrace life by celebrating anything and everything.?

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