9 Things To Do If Someone Tries To Send You On A Guilt Trip

By Mark Webb, The Relationship Specialist

“How blunt are all the arrows of thy quiver in comparison with those of guilt.”

~ Robert Blair

What Is The Definition Of A Guilt Trip?

A guilt trip is when someone tries to make you feel guilty for thinking, feeling or doing things a certain way. When someone tries to make you do what they want by making you feel bad so that you will give in and do what they originally wanted is also using guilt to gain their goals.

1) Ignore Emotional Outbursts That Play On Your Feelings. Some people use crying, screaming, sadness and anger to get what they want. The person who finds everything unfair and falls to pieces is trying to gain your sympathy so they can use it to further their own needs. Playing a role of a helpless victim can gain all sorts of emotional and financial support for someone playing the victim role. Another similar strategy is to act in a confrontational manner towards someone. By arguing and demanding, they are hoping to intimidate you and you might cower to their demands because they know you do not like to argue.

2) Pay Attention To The Preface. Your antenna need to perk up when you hear statements like: If you really cared about me, you’d….”, “If you were more thoughtful, you’d….” I don’t see why you can’t just….” You can replace their guilt provoking words with “do as I want”. Sometimes they switch it around by telling you what they would never do. “I’m sure I misheard it. You would never volunteer to do that without telling me first.” They are telling you that you must run all decisions by them first. This train of thought is understandable if it’s coming from your spouse, but what if it’s not? Be wary of people who demand your loyalty but don’t reciprocate and only look out for themselves.

3) Is It Better To Do Nothing? Rather than get caught up in a debate, or worse an argument, simply agree with the guilt tripper. Don’t feed into what they are saying, just agree with it or ignore it then move on. It’s not your job to change the guilt tripper. They will either improve their approach in learning to communicate in a positive fashion or they will find someone else to manipulate.

4) Get In, Get Out. If the guilt tripper tries to make statements that imply that you don’t care or that they don’t matter to you; make short, quick responses that break their hold instantly. For instance, if the guilt tripper says “Fine, go to the beach with all your friends while I stay here and take care of everything.” You respond with something like “Thank you. I appreciate that.”

5) Be Careful If The Guilt Tripper Starts Quoting What Other People Would Do. This manipulative strategy is designed to point out your lack of responsiveness when compared to how others would act. If they say “Nancy’s children would never treat her like this.” Respond with something like “You’re probably right.” and move on to another topic or leave.

6) If You Love Me. “If you love me you would…”. These type statements basically say “I don’t believe you love me. Prove it. Love is a commonly used manipulation tool of the guilt tripper. They make you feel like you owe them something. This approach attacks intimacy by making love conditional. Love doesn’t need to have a scoreboard.

7) Do They Use Illness As A Means To Get What They Want? Some people use illness to achieve ulterior motives. They may be trying to avoid responsibilities and / or they are just being lazy. They get other people to do their work. Remember that unless you are a medical professional, you don’t need to get caught up trying to diagnose them but you also don’t have to do things you don’t want to it because of guilt.

8) Keep Your Cool. Stay calm and do your best to be pleasant. Be rational and try to keep your emotions in check. Don’t blow up in frustration but rather stay friendly. Give non -verbal signs like shaking your head no. Use your manners and stay polite. If a guilt tripper asks you to do something that you do not want to do; simply say “Thanks for asking, but no.” Don’t lie, talk sarcastically, mumble under your breathe or make up excuses because this will induce true guilt for your poor behavior and you will end up doing the thing you don’t want to.

9) Ask Them To Be More Direct. Explain to the guilt tripper that you may be more willing to meet more of their requests if they would express their wishes more directly. You may want to add that you have been feeling distant and resentful because of how they have acted in the past. Expect that you will have to reinforce these efforts. These are communication patterns that probably have been in place for years. Be patient and poised. Positive efforts on your part will always help communication go better than getting aggravated.

Best of Wishes,

Mark Webb

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. He is the author of How To Be A Great Partner and How To Argueproof Your Relationship. Read more of his articles at www. TheRelationshipSpecialist.com